Late Night Snark: Ballots and Ballrooms Edition
"Yesterday was election day in America, the first big election since Trump's 2024 victory. It was a chance to see if the Democrats had any pulse whatsoever. And last night showed not only that they are alive, they are coked up like Don Jr. at a crypto convention."
—The Daily Show's Jordan Klepper
"There were elections in 39 states, and it was a big night for Democrats. Democrats won everything. They won the big races on the East Coast, they won the little ones in the South. In New York City Zohran Mamdani was elected mayor with more then 50 percent of the vote, which means your racist aunt and uncle have a new name to mispronounce this Thanksgiving."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"[Republicans] put on a big show of deporting people and targeting transgender folks. They never miss a chance to scapegoat minorities and DEI for every problem under the sun. You got a flat tire? DEI! Wife mad at you? DEI!"
—Barack Obama, campaigning for Gov.-elect Abigail Spanberger (D-VA)
"Don’t give up. We must never give up. To give up is to give up."
—From Virginia gubernatorial candidate Winsome Earl-Sears' concession speech
"The president is spending his time doting on his pet projects and starting new wars while the country is scrambling to deal with the immediate crises that he is actively ignoring. If only there was a picture that would offer a perfect metaphor for this…"
—Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“Your premiums may be going up. Tariffs may be shutting down your small businesses. You may be losing your food assistance. But it’s all okay, because Donald Trump is building a ballroom that looks like the inside of Marie Antoinette’s vagina.”
—Jon Stewart
"President Trump hosted a Great Gatsby-themed Halloween party at Mar-a-Lago. And, look, there's a lot you can say about this. It's tacky. It's tone-deaf when SNAP benefits are set to expire. But also, let's not ignore there's no way he’s read The Great Gatsby. If they were theming it after something he's read, they'd be dressed as the last issue of Maxim."
—Seth Meyers
"In court the prosecution did everything possible to make the crime sound really serious, with the victim of the aggravated sandwiching testifying: 'It smelled of onions and mustard, and it exploded all over my chest.' Exploded all over your chest? Are you testifying or writing steamy sandwich porn? The officer went on to say that the sandwich struck him hard enough that he could feel it through his ballistic vest. Well, of course—I'm sure that cheddar was sharp. It was probably a hollow-point hoagie."
—Stephen Colbert, on the trial of Sean Dunn, who a jury pronounced 'not guilty' for tossing a salami sandwich at one of Trump's armed-to-the-teeth border dimwits...yet another embarrassing loss in court for Jeanine Pirro.
P.S. There’s a golden egg among tonight’s poll candidates. You earned it.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 7, 2025
Note: President Trump cries fraud as dead cat bounces higher than his approval rating. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til Festivus: 46
Days 'til the annual Po-boy Festival in New Orleans: 9
Years since a New York City municipal election topped 2 million voters, as it did Tuesday: 56
Number of seats flipped by Democrats in the New Jersey state Assembly Tuesday, giving the chamber a 55-seat Dem supermajority: 3
Percent of the counties in Virginia that shifted more towards Democrats Tuesday night: 100%
North Carolina voters polled by Catawba/YouGov who blame Trump/Johnson/Thune and Democrats, respectively, for the government shutdown: 44%, 23%
Time of the "sweet spot" for falling asleep for maximum cardiovascular benefits, according to a report in European Heart Journal: 10-11pm
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Six months in a minute…
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CHEERS to a helluva legacy. Although I'm not a fan of false idols, I think it's fair to say that statues in honor of Nancy Pelosi—the first House Speaker with ladyparts—will be entirely appropriate. A staunch defender of democracy and constant irritant to shitstains George W. Bush and Mad King TACO, she wielded her power to shepherd landmark legislation through the lower chamber like a pro. Her last act as a congress member before announcing her retirement at 85: lobbying like the dickens for Prop 50, the redistricting question that paves the way for California to neuter the effect of Texas's mid-cycle gerrymandering stunt. And, boy, did she stick that landing. I could go on and on about her legacy, but I think the simplest demonstration of her stature is a comparative peek at her Republican predecessors and successors in the Speaker's chair:
Dennis Hastert the pedophile who ended up in prison.
John Boehner the chain-smoking crybaby now lobbying for Big Tobacco and Big Cannabis.
Speaker Pelosi doing what no Republican leader ever does: stand up to their demented cult leader.
Paul Ryan the "Young Gun" who got a' scared and ran away to Wall Street.
Kevin McCarthy the hapless sap who took 15 votes to get elected Speaker, but only after agreeing to a rule that would allow a single representative to call a vote for his removal, which happened just months later. Genius!
Today Mike "I Know Nothing, I See Nothing" Johnson of Louisiana holds the gavel in his tiny masturbation-callused hands, lording over the longest government shutdown in history as he fights tooth and nail to protect his true master The Mad King by blocking the release of the Epstein sex-trafficking files. Unlike the menfolk above, Speaker Pelosi put in the hard work, hard brain-thinkin', and hard vote-wrangling to establish a legacy that towers above all of them combined.
If I have any say in a future statue, I say she should be standing on a tall pedestal, arms outstretched, a scroll of her accomplishments in one hand...and a set of freshly-snipped GOP balls in the other.
CHEERS to returning to the scene of the slime. Predictions, predictions. When you're right, you look like a genius. And when you're wrong, you're…Karl Rove. In 2006 the Bush-Cheney strategist claimed Republicans would sweep the midterms because "You are entitled to your math and I'm entitled to the math." What resulted was a blue wave for the ages. Six years later, live on Fox News, he famously tried and failed to make the numbers add up for Mitt Romney in Ohio. And last Saturday—on Fox again—he gave his prognostication powers one more try. Let's rewind the tape and…
“In Virginia, I think we’re going to have a surprise because the Republicans are gonna hold on to the AG slot. And I think they’re gonna keep their losses in the House of Delegates to less than what the Democrats hoped they would get.”
The incumbent MAGA attorney general got clobbered by Democrat Jay Jones 53 percent to 47 percent. And Democrats in the House of Delegates picked up 13 seats, giving them a near supermajority. I have one word for Mr. Rove: Surprise!!!
JEERS to promises unkept. 63 years ago today, back in 1962, Richard Nixon announced that he was leaving politics with the immortal words, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore." Relive the smarm…
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We did, in fact, have him to kick around some more. Then Ford kicked us by un-kicking him with a pardon. That was mean.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS good readin'. On tomorrow’s date in 1731, Benjamin Franklin got all woke and opened the first lending library—officially called "The Library Company of Philadelphia," an idea that sprang from his weekly meetings with tradesmen designed to expand their depth of knowledge. (For our Republican readers: a library is a place where normal people go to learn facts and logic and wisdom from things called books and computers, but where you go to get facts and logic and wisdom banned.) The dedication ceremony was cut short, however, thanks to strict enforcement of the colonies' first ever "Three shushes and you're out" rule.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I can't decide if I should spend the weekend soaking in a nice borax bath to suck the government nanotechnology out of my pores, or watch some TV. If the latter, there are few odds and ends worth watching, starting with the MSNBC lineup for the latest news updates (some of them this week are actually good). There’s a new edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW. Author Andrew Ross Sorkin is the guest on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30.
Ka-chunk.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NFL schedule is here. (To those who will mourn not having a baseball schedule to peruse for several months, we feel your pain.) Nikki Glaser hosts SNL.
Sunday on Bari Weiss’s New 60 Minutes: reports on how awesome Trump is and how poopypants the woke mob is. Then Bart becomes Professor Frink’s assistant on a new episode of The Simpsons Sunday at 8 (Fox). And Sunday night at 11 we presume John Oliver will question the wisdom of becoming an American citizen on a new episode of Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Wicked: For Good director Jon Chu; House minority leader Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Senator Jim Lankford (Fascist-OK).
This Week: Secretary of F*cking up the Treasury Department Scott Bessent; Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA); President of the International Rescue Committee David Miliband.
Enjoy your Sunday morning with a steaming hot cuppa...
Face the Nation: Governor-elects Mikie Sherrill (D-NJ) and Abigail Spanberger (D-VA); Destroyer of the National Economic Council Kevin Hassett; Governors Wes Moore (D-MD) and Patrick Morrisey (Fascist-WV).
CNN's State of the Union: Governor Gavin Newsom (D-CA) does a victory lap over Prop. 50; Secretary of F*cking Up the Department of Transportation Sean Duffy;
Fox Fascism Sunday: DNC chair Ken Martin; Secretary of Making Planes Fall Out of the Sky Sean Duffy.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 7, 2015
CHEERS to today's boring correction. According to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali "Rusty" Khamenei, the Iranian chant "death to America" no longer means the actual physical death of all 321 million of us. It now means "death to the US’s policies, death to arrogance.” Good to know. Thank you. I know we'll all sleep much better.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to knockin' that sucker down. Thirty-six years ago this Sunday, the world witnessed a surreal scene: Berliners hacking away with pickaxes and hammers at that damned wall that had divided their city for decades—a mind-blowing moment that briefly galvanized the planet in celebration. And what sparked it wasn't the pope or the U.N. or even ex-president Saint Ronald Reagan—it was this awkwardly-delivered comment by Politburo member Guenter Schabowski a day earlier:
"Therefore...um...we have decided today...um...to implement a regulation that allows every citizen of the German Democratic Republic...um...to...um...leave East Germany through any of the border crossings," said Schabowski.
Work those biceps, Dieter.
He appeared scarcely to believe his own words and we were all dumbfounded. What did he just say? Schabowski was asked when the new rule would take effect. "That comes into effect...according to my information.... immediately, without delay," Schabowski stammered, shuffling through the papers spread in front of him as he sought in vain for more information.
I had the chance to visit Berlin a couple times in the ‘70s when I was kid and living in what was then West Germany. I had a middle-school knowledge of the post-war history of Berlin, but nothing could prepare me for the contrast I saw in person: vibrant and colorful on the western side…oppressive, gray, boarded-up and barbed-wired on the eastern side. In some ways it reminds me of what this country has become: reality-based, education-oriented and live-and-let-live on the left…authoritarian, trigger-happy, reality-averse and sadistic on the right. But my main point is: Happy Reunification Day Sunday, Germany—let's all drink beer.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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