Are We Really Going to Have to Tolerate Three More Years of This Gold-Plated Narcissism?

Including fake Time magazine covers, claims he got a Michigan Man-of-the-Year award that he didn’t, publicly expressing a desire to give himself a Medal of Honor, and trawling for a sculpture of himself on Mount Rushmore, Donald Trump’s self-conferred glory would get a “tone it down” from Napoleon, who literally crowned himself emperor. 

Snatching the FIFA World Cup from the winning team last summer would have been a stunning achievement pinnacle for the average self-unaware doofus. But not for The Donald. He followed up his demeaning grab of the cup by first demanding and then begging a Nobel Peace Prize for his pieces-of-Ukraine “peace” agreement and six other wars he claimed to have ended, although the combatants of several are still shooting at each other.

Stiffed by the obviously woke Nobel committee, Trump whined. Enough, it seems, to spur FIFA leadership to calculate they could curry the man’s fickle favor by stooping lower than a limbo champion and inventing for him the FIFA “peace” trophy, a bauble phonier than the paperwork on a blood diamond. In July, Trump had hoisted the World Cup trophy aloft with the reverence of a mall Santa clutching a borrowed baby. This Friday he grabbed the medal accompanying the “peace” trophy from FIFA President Gianni Infantino and slung it around his own neck. Napoleon would have approved.

But surely FIFA isn’t the only sports organization that wants to stay on our Outlaw Prez’s good side.  Why should they take a chance of rousing his ire by standing firm against abject flattery and the gifting of golden geegaws when universities are surrendering what amount to kickbacks to keep the man from cutting off their research grants? Now that we’ve entered an era of bespoke sports prizes for politicians, why not go all in? If FIFA can create an imaginary award for an elderly 12-year-old, why shouldn’t every major sports organization craft its own trophy for him? It doesn’t matter than such trophies and medals have nothing to do with the organizations’ reason for existing. 

Some possibilities:

NFL: Gold-plated Lombardi Trophy for Everlasting Victimhood

Cast in solid chrome under the plating, the Lombardi victimhood trophy would be awarded to Trump for his view that accountability is persecution, rules are personal attacks, and minor slights are unconstitutional. 

Engraved at the base: WITCH HUNT

NBA: Gold-Plated Commissioner’s TROPHY for Creative Accounting

The NBA would award the trophy to Trump for his love of opaque ledgers, ghost corporations, and the dark arts of debt-shuffling as a form of civic choreography. It would come with a discreet little hatch, perfect for tucking away undisclosed cash, offshore IOUs, or, for old time’s sake, a few government documents spirited out of the White House.

At the presentation, league officials would praise the honoree’s “extraordinary dedication to monetizing public office beyond even the wildest dreams of J.P. Morgan.”

On the base: PROFITEERING IS PATRIOTIC

WNBA: gold-plated Civic Gaslighting Medal of Merit

The medallion would be made from shreds of press briefings that contradict earlier statements that contradict earlier statements. It would be made of a gold-plated brushed quantum alloy and awarded to Trump for his capacity to make a statement, deny the statement, disown the denial, then declare victory over the chaos he engineered, a kind of Möbius strip of bullshit.

The medal would be reversible:

 I SAID IT on one side and I NEVER SAID IT on the other. 

NHL: gold-plated Enforcers’ Prize for Diplomatic Body Checks

The NHL would award the Enforcers’ Prize to Trump for asserting that global stability is best achieved by threatening to check half the planet into the boards, with the  “unwavering commitment to international harmony through intimidation, insult, and improvisational belligerence.” 

WAR IS PEACE

MLB: Gold-Plated Pine Tar trophy for ALTERNATE History

This would honor the special talent required for Trump to talk about beating Nazis in Vietnam, claiming tariffs caused the Civil War, and asserting that Columbus was the “original American hero” unfairly tarred by detractors. 

During the ceremony, baseball officials could salute the winner’s “tireless devotion to reinventing objective reality.” 

ALL VICTORIES, NO DEFEATS

U.S. Olympic Committee: Gold-Plated Medal for Self-Congratulation

This would surely become the only medal in Olympic history worn continuously, in the shower, the courtroom, or the occasional rally staged at an airport. The USOC would proclaim the honoree’s “unmatched ability to transform every moment, sacred or profane, into a personal victory lap.” 

EGO CONQUERS ALL

USA PICKLEBALL: gold-plated GRAND SLAM OF SELF-DELUSION plaque

Awarded for Trump’s unmatched skill in turning diplomacy into dodgeball, history into endless rounds of “telephone,” and public office into an extended highlight reel of himself. 

WINNING WHATEVER, ALWAYS