Please Rise for Our New Pledge of Allegiance
Hands over your hearts, everyone, and repeat after me:
I pledge allegiance
To the...um...er…I have no effing clue anymore
Of the United States of America, I guess, unless we’re now wholly owned by Russia
And to the...um...again, I have no freaking clue what we are anymore, but it sure ain’t a republic and we sure as shit don’t know what it stands for anymore
One gaggle of Dr. Evils at the helm
Under what now appears to be the anti-Christ
With unnecessary mayhem and confusion for all.
Please be seated.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 4, 2025
Note: Please sign here...[Scribble Scribble]...and here... [Scribble Scribble]...and initial here... [Scribble Scribble]. Congratulations, you now own Blockbuster Video.
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By the Numbers:
4 days!!!
Days 'til Presidents Day: 13
Days 'til the opening of The Chocolate Trail in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania: 4
Number of people killed in last week's airliner-helicopter collision: 67
Number of them who were killed by DEI policies: 0
Years, as of last Friday, since Brexit went into effect: 5
Percent by which Maine's snowfall for this season is less than the average year: 50%
Passengers who passed through Dubai International Airport—the world's busiest for international travel—in 2024: 93.2 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Missouri's Puppy Bowl XXI contestants…
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CHEERS and JEERS to Tuesday morning in America. Here's what's going on as we celebrate the national holiday known as It's Not Actually A National Holiday Now Get Back To Work Day: the GOP-led House and Senate are doing whatever, Elon Musk and his team of teenage mutant non-Ninja nerds is stealing all our money, the Tariff Wars have begun, racism is flourishing, inflation isn't dropping, Russia and the west are still fighting a proxy war via Ukraine, whites are still projected to become the minority in the U.S. by 2045, there are ten people in space, we're still killing the planet, an apple a day helps control apple overpopulation, Minnesota's Ken Martin is the new DNC chair, and I just switched your Folgers Crystals with regular coffee. You are now up to date. One lump or two?
CHEERS to a steady hand on the tiller. With Maine Democrats having been given a resounding thumbs-up by voters to continue their excellent demonstration of fiscal responsibility via total control of our state government, two-term Governor Janet Mills delivered her 2025 State of the Budget message last week. A few highlights:
» Fully funds universal free meals for students in public schools
» Invests $122 million in the General Fund per year to stabilize the MaineCare budget
An excellent governor. And we get her for two more years.
» Investments in child welfare, children's behavioral health services, nursing facility rate reform, mobile crisis response, and public safety
» Makes permanent our Free Community College initiative
» Continues her successful addiction treatment programs in Maine's County Jails
» Raises revenues primarily through a $1.00 increase in Maine's cigarette excise tax
» Funding for community resiliency efforts and infrastructure upgrades in the wake of the recent climate change-related storm damage.
Left untouched: our record-high $968 million Rainy Day Fund. We'll need that next summer for the giant beachside clambake. (Comes with salad or slaw, baked potato or fries. Please: no substitutions.)
CHEERS to #1. On February 4, 1789, George Washington—who was always “the tallest man in the room”—clinched the presidency with 69 electoral votes. Upon hearing the news, he said his feelings were "not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution." His first official act: providing all Americans equal access to quality mattresses at low, low discount prices, a fine February tradition that lives on to this day.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the gift that just kept on giving. Happy birthday to former Vice President Dan Quayle, who turns 76 today, and of whom Molly Ivins once said, "If you put that man's brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards." He certainly wasn't an evil vice president like Dick Cheney or Mike Pence, the latter of whom called him for advice on how to overthrow the government. (To his credit, Quayle said no way, no how.) But I still want to see him tried in the International Criminal Court for torturing the English language:
“If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.”
Yes, the lamestream media was alive and well decades ago.
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'”
“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
You’re still no Jack Kennedy, Dan. But you're also not your un-self-aware son who said in this campaign ad that Barack Obama was “the worst president in history” and then got booted after one sorry-ass term in Congress. So for today only—in honor of the occasion and for all the laughter ya brung us—we'll let potato have an e.
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and nearly choke on your bong hit as you realize that the universe up there is pretty darn spectacular. The elves at NASA are aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at February’s sky-watching highlights, including the moon's dalliances with the planets and a hearty round of appulse:
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By the way, sorry to break this to ya, but the constellation Orion’s iconic belt now only has one functioning star. Elon Musk’s Department of DOGE vaporized the other two for budgetary reasons. (How he got his hands on the Jewish space laser will be a mystery for the ages.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 4, 2015
CHEERS to the dollars and sense. President Obama, once again lapping Republicans in the leadership department, burns the midnight oil to come up with a budget for people who don’t have an "-illionaire" designation in Forbes magazine:
President Obama released a $4 trillion budget proposal Monday that would provide tax breaks for the middle class, raise some of the taxes for wealthy individuals and corporations, and end the budget sequester. It would slightly decrease the deficit and keep the debt at what the White House is calling sustainable levels.
One thing the budget doesn't do is take a machete to Social Security, and Obama is challenging the GOP to follow suit. Republicans say they only want to remove a piece of Social Security. I believe it's the part they call security.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to movin' and groovin'. Congrats to the winners last night at the Grammy Awards, including Beyonce’s first win for Album of the Year and Country Album (Cowboy Carter), Bela Fleck and the late Chick Corea for Best Jazz Instrumental Album (Remembrance), The Rolling Stones for Best Rock Album (Hackney Diamonds), The Beatles for Best Rock Performance (Now and Then), and how cool is it that Jimmy Carter won a final award (his fourth!) for what used to be known as the “Best Spoken Word” category for Last Sundays in Plains: A Centennial Celebration. Finally, thanks to Best Rap Performer Doechii, the world finally has its first Grammy-winning song with the words…
Better off, here alone
Better off, here alone
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Ooh (ooh)
Ooh (ooh)
I hurt your feelings
Mark my words, DJs. That's got "wedding song" written all over it.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
More than three million Americans reported splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool without consulting a medical professional first.
—USA Today
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