Rated FU
Via The Late Show, a cinematic peek behind the evil scheme:
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May their Teslas all burst into flames, many people are saying.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 6, 2025
Note: Today's White House lunch menu includes emolument stew, shredded civil rights salad topped with fascist croutons and a light spray-on-tan dressing, alternative fact filets sautéed in a tangy battery acid reduction, and a diet Coke. Served angrily. Enjoy. Or else.
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By the Numbers:
2 days!!!
Days 'til Mardi Gras: 26
Days 'til Death By Chocolate in Appleton, Wisconsin: 2
Minimum number of federal employees who have taken Musk's sham buyout offer: 20,000
Year-over-year increase in heavy truck sales as of January: 5%
Amount of water that Trump ordered the feds to release from California reservoirs, none of which did any good for anyone anywhere: 2.2 billion gallons
Amount raised from the FireAid benefit concert for L.A. wildfire victims: $100 million
Estimated number of FireAid viewers on streaming platforms: 50 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
As Paul Krugman of The New York Times points out, if you accept the Rosy Scenario the administration is using to paint privatization as an effective scheme, then Social Security is in no trouble at all and we don't need to do anything about it—economic growth will take care of it all.
Contrariwise, if you accept the doom-and-gloom scenario the administration uses to prove that SS is in trouble, then there's no way the privatization scheme will be anything other than a disaster.
Dogged if I know what these people have against SS, a program that works just fine and has kept elderly people from having to eat cat food for many years now. Because the right wing has somehow become a cult of anti-government nuthatches, I have no idea where we're headed.
—February, 2005
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Connecticut's entries in Puppy Bowl XXI…
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JEERS to sneak previews of coming attractions. Coming soon to a rotary phone near you…
[Rrrring ring! Rrrring ring! Rrrrr…..]
[Click]
"Hello! And thank you for calling the Central Intelligence Agency. Here at the CIA, your call is very important to us. Please leave your name and number at the beep and our one remaining employee not fired by Elon Musk will get back to you just as soon as he returns from his latest spy mission. Thanks, and have a spook-y day!"
[Beep!]
Well, boogerballs. Maybe I'll have better luck getting the time and temperature by calling USAID.
CHEERS to today's edition of Whew—For A Minute There I Was Getting Worried! Courtesy of ABC News, which recently settled a bullshit lawsuit filed against it by Very Bad Man with $25 million in fun money to go buy himself a trip to a day spa and whatever frivolous sparkly things he might enjoy:
Senate Republicans insist Elon Musk isn't in charge after whirlwind actions
This has been today's edition of Whew—For A Minute There I Was Getting Worried!
CHEERS to Massachusetts. The commonwealth and somewhat influential original 13-Colonies colony officially became the sixth member of our kooky union on February 6, 1788. And once again I'd like to remind the right-wingers who bash it for being a den of anything-goes liberalism that:
And this Massachusetts senator is a bona fide political rock star.
a) the Salem witch trials were conducted by Trumpian ultra-conservatives, b) the freedoms you guys have to speak your evolution-denyin', LGBTQ-hating, deep-state-conspiracy-deluded minds are largely the result of a bunch of Massachusetts types who shed their blood to make it possible, c) the state has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country, d) it's the home of Romneycare, the genesis of Obamacare which you now love, e) it's also the birthplace of Necco Wafers, making it the cradle of all that is wholesome and chalky and civilized.
But we'll concede that Bay Staters (who I never refer to as "Massholes" until they’re safely back home after spending their money…er, I mean, spending their summer here) do act like fundies in one respect: they drive like they're all late to Second Coming.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Gipper’s flickers. Today is Saint Ronald Reagan’s 114th birthday. He appeared in some classic movies, including Kings Row, Knute Rockne: All American, The Killers (the 1964 version, in which he plays a real meanie), and Santa Fe Trail. Oh, and this:
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Other than that, I have no recollection of him. Well, except the tax-raising, deficit-ballooning, race-baiting, illegal-arms-trading, AIDS-ignoring, tan-suit-wearing, and bowing-to-foreign-leaders part. (And after 40+ years—[taps watch]—that trickle-down magic can start anytime now.)
CHEERS to new official things. I hate to come off as a narcissistic ninny, but how much f*cking longer do I have to stick with this gig to be designated Maine's Official Blogger??? For the love of god, after writing my 50 millionth word yesterday my fingertips have been reduced to bony stubs that my squirrels have taken to gnawing on to keep their teeth filed down. In the meantime, we'll just have to prepare to pop the confetti cannons for the looming announcement of Maine's official reptile:
The Wood Turtle (Glyptemys insculpta) is widespread across the state of Maine, unlike in our neighboring states, and is found in aquatic, open field, and forest habitats.
“Wicked good choice, Ayuh.”
They use upland and forested areas in the late spring and into summer, can be found in slow moving rivers and lakes in warmer months, and during the winter hibernate underwater in slow-moving areas such as ponds, sheltered areas of rivers, or under logs and debris.
“As Maine is the most forested state in the nation, the Wood Turtle is a fitting reptilian ambassador for the Pine Tree State,” said Wright.
Despite running a multi-million-dollar campaign, Senator Susan Collins failed to make the cut. The committee found her cold-blooded enough, and her skin abundantly scaly. But they agreed that her penchant for slathering her worms in mayochup was…concerning.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 6, 2015
CHEERS to making the world safe for sexytime. The guy who co-invented the Pill is dead at 91:
[Carl] Djerassi, who was working up until his death, was best known for his contribution to the first oral contraceptive, and he wrote two books on the subject and three autobiographies. […]
Aside from his contributions to the Pill, Mr. Djerassi was known among chemists for his work with antihistamines and topical corticosteroids, and for his interest in applying computer modeling and measurement techniques to the field of organic chemistry. He also won the National Medal of Technology for his work in insect control at Zoecon, a company he founded in Palo Alto.
In his honor, today all orgasms will be lowered to half intensity.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to historic moments in getting busted for doing something naughty with your hand. Fifteen hilarious years ago this week, while bamboozling a rapt Tea Party audience in Nashville at the height of the movement's Black President Panic of 2010, former everything Sarah Palin—still nursing her butthurt after Alaska rejected her again for a seat in Congress—got caught for the most juvenile of transgressions: writing cheat notes on her hand:
[Eyeroll]
Energy. Budget Tax cuts. Lift American spirits. So complex were those concepts that she had to write them down. On her hand. Seven words. And even then she made a mistake and had to cross one out. Y'know, we don’t say this to our right-wing friends nearly enough: even though you’re lunatics with incurious, reality-averse mush for brains who represent the worst of human instincts, thank you anyway...for your healing gift of laughter.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine is probably one of the most unintelligent kiddie pool splashers I have ever met or seen or witnessed."
—Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
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