Here’s a little distraction from the daily horror show.
My venerable 1997 Lincoln Town Car is dead. Actually it was most brutally assaulted and killed. By one of my neighbors no less.
I bought the Lincoln ten years ago for the princely sum of $2500 from what I have to assume was the world’s most honest used car salesman. He’s since gone out of business, so that may be why.
Most airline pilots keep an “airport car” around. A proper airport car should be mechanically reliable but not big on looks. It’s going to sit out at the airport while you’re on a trip and suffer the various dings, scratches and other indignities that happen to vehicles in airport parking lots so that your good car doesn’t have to.
I rather liked this car. It was comfortable, drove well and looked beat up enough that nobody messed with me in traffic. It was the last of the big V8 rear wheel drive Detroit cars. They really did make ‘em like they used to.
I figure this thing would run forever. I’ve ridden in Town Cars with 400,000 miles on them still being used as limos. With two years to mandatory retirement I was hoping this would be my last airport car.
Then I parked it out on the street…
I live in a condo complex and parking space is limited. We have a one car garage and an additional parking space so the “overflow” gets parked out on the street.
We had some contractors working on our townhouse that morning, and one of them mentioned that the car across the street had been hit. I didn’t think much of it. The Lincoln had collected its share of dings and dents over the years. But then he said “No, it was really hit.”
I honestly don’t know how hard you have to hit a 4,000 pound Town Car to push it up onto the grass but someone had managed. Driving a Toyota Camry no less.
Not that it’s been shoved about three feet up on the grass.
It was listing like a ship that had been torpedoed. Reminded me of Robert Shaw’s monologue in Jaws.
“Japanese submarine car slammed two torpedoes into her side Chief.”
The wreck of the SS Lincoln. The roof rack was to haul our tandem bike.
Since the offending Camry was still sitting next to it, the Columbus PD had no trouble tracking down the culprit. A lady down the street claimed she had to swerve to avoid another car and ran into mine. I find this story a bit sketchy, since the street has a 25 mph speed limit and the laws of physics tell me she had to be going faster than that.
Mind you my first choice of evasive maneuver would not be running into a parked Lincoln. Nice lady but I don’t think she’s a very good driver. The Camry had replaced her previous car that had been wrecked. It still had temporary tags on it.
I don’t know how hard you have to hit something to do this.
People tend to fly up and down our street. We’ve tried to have the city put speed bumps in but to no avail. Look, I will admit to going like hell out on the interstate but I will not speed through a residential neighborhood.
Eyeballing the damage I noticed that the left rear wheel was shattered. Both left tires were flat and a massive dent ran along the whole left side of the car. I was surprised that the doors even opened. I did the only thing I could. Grabbed anything of value out of it and called for a tow truck.
I snapped a salute as it was hauled away on a flatbed.
The Lincoln gave as good as it got. The Toyota had to be towed off as well.
It took about a month for my mechanic and the Camry owner’s insurance company to figure out that the Lincoln wasn’t worth fixing. I went and collected my license plates and bid it a final farewell.
Hopefully the parts will keep someone else’s car going.
Now, this story has a happy ending. Their insurance company paid me double what I had paid for Lincoln ten years ago and probably 3-4 times the market value if I tried to sell it today. I deposited their check before they had time to change their mind. Time to go shopping!
And that, dear reader, is how I came to own a minivan and love it. The key was to find one that was nice, but not too nice. I was looking for a workhorse not a show horse. People tend to keep this things a long time and a lot of them are pretty beat up.
I finally found a nice 2011 model with 120,000 miles at a slightly sketchy used car dealership. Based on the accents I may have been dealing with the Russian mob. Some things are best left unknown.
A bit of haggling and I drove off with it. Cost more than the insurance settlement but I thought it was money well spent.
A minivan may be the least sexy, most unassuming vehicle, but damn this thing is practical. For years we’ve been hauling our tandem bike on a roof rack but now it can go inside the vehicle. This thing swallows all kinds of stuff with room to spare. If I actually had friends, they could all ride in it. Plus it’s roomy, comfortable, drives like a car and gets decent gas mileage. I also think the electric side doors are really cool (I’m easily amused).
It’s the one named after the Homeric poem by the way.
I never realized how popular these things are. Now that I have one it seems like every fifth vehicle on the road is an Odyssey. This would be the perfect vehicle for someone like James Bond or an international crime boss who wants to be anonymous.
Perfect vehicle for an introvert.
“Sir can you describe the getaway vehicle?”
”It was a grey Honda Odyssey.”
“OH COME ON!”
(My theory about James Bond is that he was actually just a decoy to keep the bad buys occupied while the real spy quietly snuck in and took care of business.)
This thing will swallow 148 cubic feet of bikes, skis, groceries or whatever crap you want to put back there. I should have got one of these years ago. Need to haul bikes, take the van. Need to get a load of stuff from the hardware store, take the van.
Since it’s a used vehicle, it came pre-scratched so I don’t have to worry about scratching it.
I suspect it will hold more than a lot of pickup trucks. I’ve notice that over the years truck beds have gotten shorter while the cabs have gotten bigger.
Look at all that space!
Plus I’m not really a fan of pickup trucks. I’m never going off road and I’m never going to tow anything, so I see no reason to have one.
If I ever have to haul something that won’t fit in the van I can rent a truck for that day. Last I checked U-Haul is still in business.
Years ago I liked pickups before they turned into fashion statements.
Our cat even likes it. If she says minivans are cool, then they’re cool.
Stay safe out there.
