Please bear with me while I write this diary entry. Some on here already are aware that I have been the primary caregiver for my 96 year old Mom for many years now. Actually, I’ve lived with my Mom in her home since I lost mine 20 years ago. I thought I would have a little more time with my Mom to get things in order before she succumbs to dementia, but her time is nearly up. I’m a procrastinator who does not like dealing with the death of a loved one, but Mom is now on end of life with the hospice care I just signed up for last week. She could go at any time.
I’m waiting on my older sister to arrive to say good-bye to Mom. My younger sister visited Mom about a week ago, and she had told me that she didn’t think Mom had long to live (maybe 2-3 months if I was lucky). And she lives in another state as well, so I am effectively alone here.
And as some of you are aware, I’m a federal employee. I work for the U.S. Census Bureau, so you can imagine the stress I feel about that. And you might also understand the RAGE I feel at Senate Democrats like Chuck Schumer. With Musk being given a green light with that CR, my days at work are numbered.
What the fuck are you going to do to help me Chuck? Hold another fuckin’ useless press conference??! That will show Musk and Trump!
At some point, I may write about the wonderful things my Mom did for me. One of them is that she is trying to make sure I am not homeless by leaving me the home. Without a job, how long can I hold onto it? I have no idea.
But for now, I’m listening to my Mom’s physical body shutting down. Mom lost the ability to speak about 6 weeks ago. And she lost the ability to chew food. I can’t even give her anymore fluids from a glass because she really cannot swallow, so she makes this awful gurgling sound. Therefore, just moist swabs until she eventually passes.
I like to think there is a vestige of my Mom left that she might know who I am. But dementia stripped her of all dignity over the last several years. The ironic thing is that this was always my Mom’s biggest fear: dying of dementia.
Anyway, my emotions are in full turmoil. But if you have loved ones that you can reach out and hug, please do so. It is a blessing to have loved ones and friends. I have very few, so I know what I am talking about.
