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Attention billionaires!
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And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 15, 2025
Note: In case you missed the news, the Amish now control all three branches of government and 49 out of 50 state legislature. Man, when they say they can do anything in a day, they ain't kiddin’.
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By the Numbers:
10 days!!!
Days 'til Arbor Day: 10
Days 'til 420 Day: 5
Percent of Americans polled by CBS News who oppose Trump's tariffs: 58%
Rank of "the wealthy" and "major corporations," respectively, among those who voters believe will benefit the most from Trump's trade/tariff policies, according to the same poll: #1, #2
Percent chance that RFK Jr. will make good on his latest pledge to find the cause of the "autism epidemic" by September: 0%
Estimated time when the world's oceans used to look green instead of blue because of its ferric iron content, according to a study published in Nature Ecology & Evolution: 2.5 - 4 billion years ago
Current worldwide box office gross for A Minecraft Movie: $440 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A day in the life…
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CHEERS to Glorious Leader's Glorious Plan. As we start another perfect day in our perfect country, here are today's perfect tariffs announced by the White House Department of Perfection:
10% 25% 232% 5% 43% 87% 145% 25% 25% 25%15% 40% 398% 2% 67% and 212%.
Yeah. You read that right. Now the penguins only gotta pay 2 percent. Fucking ass peckers.
JEERS to pissing on our birthday cake. Hooray! The United States of America turns 250 next year. It's a milestone that calls for pulling out all the stops in cities and towns all across this great nation, as we celebrate our freedom, heritage, and… Oh, never mind. You probably already guessed that the MAGAs just declared all the stops "waste, fraud, and abuse" and pitched 'em in the crapper:
[T]he Republican administration's deep cost-cutting effort across the federal government has led the National Endowment for the Humanities to cancel its grants for state humanities councils. […]
Thanks to the budget cuts, J.D. Vance will now be baking our official 250th birthday cake.
“I cannot imagine how we’re supposed to have a national commemoration that’s meaningful for people where they live without the humanities being supported,” said Gabrielle Lyon, executive director of Illinois Humanities, the state's humanities council.
“What is it going to mean for small towns and rural communities who were expecting the possibility of having grants to do special exhibits, special commemorations, their own programs, and speakers and performers? All of that is now extremely tenuous. And those are exactly the kinds of things people have been looking forward to."
Oh well. If it's any consolation, I hear the big parade of kidnapped legal immigrants in chains being marched in front of the White House before spending the rest of their lives in El Salvador prisons will be mighty swell. (And if we can cancel out another aid program for the poor, Uberdeporter Homan says they'll have enough money to duct tape sparklers to their hands.)
CHEERS to today's edition of Thank You, President Biden, For Leaving Us An Economy Strong Enough To Withstand A Trump Recession For At Least One Entire Year. Courtesy of CNBC:
National Economic Council Director Kevin Hassett said Monday that…there is no chance at all—“100% not”—that the U.S. will experience a recession in 2025.
This has been today's edition of Thank You, President Biden, For Leaving Us An Economy Strong Enough To Withstand A Trump Recession For At Least One Entire Year.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the unsinkable ship—the one that's in the process of sinking over yonder. 113 years ago this morning, the Titanic plunged to the icy depths of the Atlantic after scraping an iceberg. Today it seems an apt analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud icon thought to be invincible that, because of poor design, shoddy workmanship and an air of arrogance on the part of the people in charge, has sunk so deep into the mud because it wasn't looking where it was going that it’ll remain a dangerous, rusting hulk that you can't do anything with but re-arrange the deck chairs. But their grift will go on and on…
CHEERS to the master of the mashie. The 2025 wearer of the Green Technicolor Dreamcoat was decided at the Masters golf tournament Sunday: Rory McIlroy won all the marbles—4.2 million of them, to be precise, along with bragging rights for achieving his career grand slam. (And bonus points for actively opposing that Saudi golf league.) There were a lot of good shots made, as usual, but this from Sir Rory will be one of the enduring moments of the tournament:
Our condolences to second-place finisher Justin Rose, who limped away from Augusta with only $2.2 million in his pocket. Some days it's all you can do to pay the rent.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 15, 2015
JEERS to the War of Wingnut Aggression. Focus On The Family's James Dobson says that gays getting the right to marry could lead to another Civil War. No problem, Jimmy. We know which side will win that conflict, and we'd be happy to kick your side's ass again. And this time we'll burn all your damn flags and ban your statues. Like we shoulda done the first time.
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And just one more…
CHEERS and JEERS to tax day. For most of the country, today is the day that your pound of flesh has to be postmarked and on its way to the IRS OR YOU WILL FACE THE HARSHEST OF PENALTIES UP TO AND INCLUDING A NON-HEALTH-INSPECTED DINNER AT MAR-A-LAGO BECAUSE WE’RE IN THAT KIND OF MOOD SO DON’T TEST US.
Taxes are good because they pay for things like roads and bridges and the social safety net and missiles with which to sink Russian ships and shoot down Iranian drones. Taxes are bad because rich people don’t pay nearly enough of them and a lot of the money goes into giant sinkholes like unnecessary gifts to the oil companies. But, hey, at least it's exponentially easier to fill out our forms, thanks to the “geniuses with money” known as Republicans oh wait, no, that was all bullshit, they suck…
It was a selling point for the Republican tax overhaul in late 2017: A promise that the new law would simplify the nation's confusing tax code to the point people would be able to file their returns on "a postcard," saving people time and making it easier for Americans to fill out tax forms.
The postcard idea died because Trump kept getting orange goo all over the prototypes.
President Donald Trump once boasted in the White House that families would "be able to file their taxes on a beautiful, little sheet of paper." … But after a single, messy year of use, the tax "postcard" is dead.
The Internal Revenue Service abandoned the smaller 1040 form after…receiving complaints from tax professionals and interest groups that it was more complicated than it needed to be, Bloomberg Tax first reported.
That's right, ladies and germs: the Republicans couldn't even do a postcard right. This morning in the C&J rumpus room: fainting couch rentals—30 minutes for five bucks. Plus tax.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"A lot of people have tattoos of Bill in Portland Maine on intimate parts of their body and they sometimes want to show them to me and I'm like, 'I don't want to look at that', you know what I mean?"
—John Turturro
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