Obviously I didn’t, or I wouldn’t be here telling you about it now. But at the time, I had decided to. I thought I should tell you all why.
But first I’m going to tell you you how. It was the morning of March 7, 2025. I live in California, and this on particular morning I lay in bed rotting. As it had been for just over a month at that point, this was a common occurrence. That morning I decided I was going to drive to the State Capitol in Sacramento. There, while standing on the State Seal just in front of the West Entrance, I was going to set up two signs, one on each side. I spent several hours in bed mulling over what they would say. The first one came easily, as it was what had brought me to this level of despair that morning. One would say “If even California surrenders, what hope is left?” The second I was less certain about. I tried to balance the need for specificity with the need for simplicity. I wanted something that would fit on a news chyron, if I was fortunate enough to get on it, which I hoped. I also wanted something provocative enough to make that likely. Or at a minimum, indecent enough to make the rounds online. Eventually, after several hours of rotting away, I settled on this: “Am I the first body or the last? You decide.”
…
On March 6, Governor of California Gavin Newsom had released a podcast interviewing radical bigot Charlie Kirk. In that podcast, he betrayed the people of his state. He betrayed any principles he claimed to have. He did this voluntarily, in fact he seemed to think it was was politically useful somehow. It was his own podcast, the very first episode of “This Is Gavin Newsom.” He seemed to think that this would help him on his path towards the Presidency in 2028. On March 6, he betrayed everyone that Charlie Kirk has ever belittled (which is a very long list), but in particular he betrayed trans people. He surrendered to hate of his own free will, without even putting up a fight. It was his own idea.
...
I am trans, obviously. I had been counting on my good fortune of being Californian to protect me, somewhat, from the pogroms of the Trump regime. Perhaps long enough for the regime to end, or for the courts to stop him, or for me to get out of the country. On March 6, I realized there was no hope for any of that. On March 7, lying in bed with nothing but my own thoughts for company, I came to understand the depth of what that absence of hope meant. On March 7, I decided to kill myself, as noticeably as possible.
The reasons I eventually didn’t are my own, and not relevant to the conversation here. Suffice to say that after 30 years of living with suicidal ideation, I’ve gotten very good at talking myself out of it. There are only 3 times in my life I reached the point of decision; through some combination of luck and mental skill I have never reached the point of action. On March 7 was the closest I have ever come. Gavin Newsom was the cause.
There are still some days, as I see that idiot and more like him go on posturing instead of helping, that I wish I had gone through with it.
…
I decided to tell this story yesterday, when I was reading another diary about that fool with a penchant for scoring own-goals. To my own tale and to that one, I add his protection of PG&E, in spite of them repeatedly causing incredibly destructive megafires. His opposition to state health care reform. His vetoing of fracking regulations. His extension of offshore drilling permits, against the protests of voters. He is a corporate tool, through and through. As I described above, he’s a traitor to his own citizens, at a time when we are deeply vulnerable. At a time when our nation needs someone willing to fight oligarchy, Newsom is giving a master class in how to surrender to it.
I decided to tell this story to make a point. There’s probably a lot of them in there, but there’s one point in particular that I had in mind. It’s a point that I hope all Democrats will take to heart, and remember in the lead up to 2028. The point is this: Fuck Gavin Newsom. Do not trust him. Do not elect him. He does not care about you. He never did.
Elect someone who will fight.
…
PS. If my story touched you in any way, please spread it around. Especially if you are a Dem staffer, or politician, or candidate. Print it out and mail it to your Congresscritter, or Governor, or heck, even your school board. My blood was not spilled that day, but very soon, someone’s will be. Democrats need to understand that. Democrat candidates need to know what’s at stake, and who’s at stake, and that their words matter. Their messages matter. Hope matters. Our survival as a nation depends on them understanding that. Please do everything you can to explain it to them.
