A Timely Pluck From the C&J Archives
I’m just a lapsed Episcopalian (agnosticism is my bag now, hep cats), but I can say with relative certainty that the late Pope Francis is the only pontiff who has given a TED talk.
I stumbled on that forgotten fact yesterday via an ancient C&J circa April 2017 when, like now, our country’s wrecking-ball-in-chief was making it clear that, in his mind, billionaires rule and everyone else drools. Francis had a few DEI-friendly words for the pillager class that are worth revisiting as he goes to his great reward and the rest of us continue going up against the worst of humanity intent on driving us into submission by any means necessary:
"How wonderful would it be if the growth of scientific and technological innovation would come along with more equality and social inclusion. How wonderful would it be, while we discover faraway planets, to rediscover the needs of the brothers and sisters orbiting around us. How wonderful would it be if solidarity—this beautiful and, at times, inconvenient word—were not simply reduced to social work and became, instead, the default attitude in political, economic and scientific choices, as well as in the relationships among individuals, peoples and countries.
“Your successor, Mr. Biden, he is...um...”
”Crazy, your Holiness.”
”Yes...quite cray-cray.”
“People's paths are riddled with suffering, as everything is centered around money and things, instead of people," he said.
"And often there is this habit, by people who call themselves 'respectable,' of not taking care of the others, thus leaving behind thousands of human beings, or entire populations, on the side of the road."
"Tenderness is not weakness; it is fortitude. It is the path of solidarity, the path of humility.
Please, allow me to say it loud and clear: The more powerful you are, the more your actions will have an impact on people, the more responsible you are to act humbly. If you don't, your power will ruin you, and you will ruin the other."
His lips to God's ears. (Which, if the rumors hold true, hang low and wobble to and fro.)
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 24, 2025
Note: Objects in Cheers and Jeers are closer than they appear.
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By the Numbers:
Starts Saturday!!!
Days 'til election day in Canada: 4
Days 'til the Oregon Cheese Festival in Central Point: 2
Estimated number of measles infections in Texas, up from 1: 625
Number of cases across the U.S.: 800
Percent of Americans polled by CNBC who believe Elon Musk is human garbage, versus 36 percent who don't: 50%
Weight of the cargo delivered this week to the International Space Station: 6,700 lbs
Number of TGI Friday's left in the U.S.: 85
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
My term in N.Y. City is also passing, to my glee. I have just been named the Rocky Mountain Bureau Chief of the New York Times. Reason I am chief is on account there ain't nobody else at the bureau. There will be NO fucking morale problems in MY bureau. I get to cover New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, and both Dakotas. I keep wandering around the city room with the tactless grin pasted on my kisser, saying, "I'm leaving. Bye."
This here move is considered very big on the Times's part because it has become known that I have a Bad Attitude. I believe [my former headmaster at St. John's School in Houston] Mr. Chidsey was the first to note the fact. Much passes, little changes. I am specifically charged with A) walking around the city room in my bare feet B) laughing too loud C) not dressing right D) making fun of editors E) showing insufficient enthusiasm for the Times and all its wonders and F) just generally coming on too strong. What can I tell you? As Gary Trudeau once wrote: Guilty, guilty, guilty.
—September, 1977 letter to a friend in Austin, excerpted from Molly Ivins: A Rebel Life by Bill Minutaglio and W. Michael Smith. Molly's rocky tenure with the Times lasted from '76 to '80.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: This dog goes to 13...
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CHEERS to starting out with an easy layup. Today is “National Pigs in a Blanket Day.” Or as it's also known: “Nap time at a Trump cabinet meeting.”
CHEERS to parliamentary democracy in action. Early voting is over in Canada, and it would appear that our northern neighbors are a bit more engaged than usual this time around. Not surprising, since one of their major candidates for prime minister would love to see the country hop on the Trump train. I'm guessing these numbers portend a resounding rebuke of that notion:
More than 7 million Canadians have cast their ballots in advance, setting a new record for early voter turnout, Elections Canada says.
Mark Carney of the Liberal Party is poised to become a sharp new pain in Trump’s hiney.
Advance polling stations were open across the country for four days, from Friday to Monday, over the Easter long weekend.
Poll workers reported longlines, with two million people casting their ballots last Friday alone. […]
Mail-in voting is up as well, with over 754,000 returning their special ballots to the federal agency. That is more than the 660,000 that did so in 2021. Latest polling suggests Liberals have a 5-point lead over the main opposition Conservative party, as campaigning enters its last stretch.
When the conservatives learn Monday night that their idiotic dalliance with MAGA World has led to a thorough shellacking, they'll be—wait for it—poutin' in their poutine. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! (In the interest of friendly intracontinental relations, I'm placing that joke in the public domain.)
CHEERS to cleaning up messes of our own making. If there's one war humanity can claim total victory for, it's the war on our planet. And among the casualties are our fragile coral reefs, which are getting bleached all to shit thanks to our brilliant strategic lack of long-term thinking. Oops! Turns out our survival depends on theirs, so now we're looking for ways to bring our vanquished, unarmed foe back to life. Let's hope this works:
In the pristine waters off a French Polynesian island in the South Pacific, a team of marine biologists believes it has made a "miracle-like" discovery -- a type of coral which can survive in abnormally warm water. […]
Come back, coral. All is forgiven.
The aim of their mission is to study whether the so-called super-resistant corals can live and reproduce in new environments outside of the warm lagoon, and potentially survive extreme heat events that have bleached other corals. […]
If the corals from Tatakoto can survive being moved—a process known as "assisted migration"—then scientists behind the project hope the island could become "a biological treasure chest" of heat-resistant corals that would help restore damaged reefs elsewhere in the world.
And if that doesn't work, I have an idea for Plan B: coral reef central air conditioning.
CHEERS to pigskin fever! Round 1 of the NFL draft is today. Moments after he hears the word "draft," Ted Nugent will instinctively respond by shitting his pants.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to today's edition of Aww…Too Bad, So Sad. Courtesy of ABC News:
Tesla's profits fell 71% over the first three months of this year, a company earnings release on Tuesday showed. The company's performance fell short of analysts' expectations.
Total revenue decreased by 9% from one year earlier, to $19.3 billion, while revenue derived from car sales plunged 20% over the first three months of 2025 compared to a year ago, the earnings showed.
This has been today's edition of Aww…Too Bad, So Sad.
CHEERS to toting the tykes. Today is the 33rd annual Take A Child to Work Day (formerly known as Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day). It's a time to show the kiddies how Mom and Dad's productivity gets cranked up to the max, while their paychecks do not. What fun! I believe I speak on behalf of the entire nation when I say to children of the military personnel who control our nukes: please don’t push any blinking red buttons or turn any keys today. Well, unless the code's been authenticated, of course, duh.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 24, 2015
CHEERS to the people's lawyer. In a 56-43 vote, the Senate finally got off its ass and voted to promote Loretta Lynch from Attorney Colonel to Attorney General:
A two-time U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of New York, Lynch takes on the high-profile job at time when America faces a series of challenges, from dealing with strained relations and deep distrust in some cities between the police and the communities they serve, to criminal justice reform, to confronting the ongoing threat of terrorism. [...]
Lynch's portfolio will include addressing voting rights, white-collar crime and policy reviews, as well as public corruption, an area in which she has vast experience.
Her confirmation, which Sen. Harry Reid could've taken care of in the lame duck session last December, happened after an excruciating five-month wait. And there may be yet another delay, since technically she can't take the oath until current AG Eric Holder steps up to a lectern and sings Let the Eagle Soar. (Shoulda read the fine print, buddy.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a big eye in the sky. 35 years ago today, the Hubble space telescope, now eclipsed by its more impressive companion the Webb telescope, was placed into orbit by the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery. And instead of birthday cake and ice cream, we’re serving something a little more tasty: a tasty image of the Southern Crab Nebula...
Pass the hot melted butter. And the coleslaw.
When the early Hubble photos were revealed to we Earthlings, Democrats saw the wonder of an evolving universe and the hope of discovering intelligent life one day and harnessing our collective strengths for the good of the cosmos. Republicans saw potential fracking fields and the hope of discovering millions of new suckers on which to foist reverse-mortgages, political fundraising scams, and unscrupulous payday lenders. Eh. Potato, Puhtahto, right?
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Bill in Portland Maine is on a planet all by himself, a planet you do not want to be on."
—Harry Enten, CNN
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