In Praise of Public School Teachers
I’m a product of America’s public schools system, and you can put me on record as feeling pretty ashamed of the way many of our teachers are treated these days. Why we see fit to kick 'em around—the convenient scapegoats—the way we do is beyond me. I had great public school teachers. And they had a troublesome student. That’s why, during this Teacher Appreciation Week, I offer not only my eternal thanks for their wisdom and patience, but also my annual apologies to my earliest schoolmarms, starting in 1969:
Mrs. Dunn, Kindergarten: Sorry for throwing up at my desk and also believing that the louder I shouted in class the funnier I was.
Mrs. Cline, 1st Grade: Sorry for pouring milk in your classroom fish tank. I have since googled the nutritional needs of our gilled friends and…it is not milk.
Mrs. Martin, 2nd Grade: Sorry for using a stray piece of carbon paper to leave virtually-indelible scribbles on the wall of your classroom, including the word "Hell." If it's any consolation, my mom let me have it when I got home.
Mrs. Wiley, 3rd Grade: Sorry for stealing on virtually a daily basis from the box of candy you kept on a high—but not high enough—shelf to reward “good, smart and helpful” boys and girls. I was none of those. Also: sorry for never putting the SRA cards back in the right order and I think I threw up in your class, too.
Mrs. Giaque, 4th Grade: Sorry for dumping a gallon of gray paint on your light green classroom carpet. I can still hear the way it went "Gloomp" when it landed, and it haunts me to this day.
Miss Woolson, 5th Grade: Sorry I (unwittingly) got you in trouble by begging, with other classmates, for you to play the 45rpm single of Ray Stevens' "The Streak" (released 51 years ago this month) during music period. Principal Hauk was a puritanical jerk about it. To my knowledge, less than half of us actually became professional or recreational streakers after hearing it—a statistical blip.
And to all my teachers from K-12: I humbly apologize for driving so many of you to drink. Your fresh swizzle sticks are in the mail.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 5, 2025
Note: Today is random drug test day. Please randomly test some drugs today. Together, we can make a difference. —Mgt
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By the Numbers:
4 days!!!
Days 'til the 80th anniversary of VE-Day: 3
Days 'til the start of Illinois Craft Beer Week: 4
Drop in overdose deaths in Kentucky last year, the third annual drop on Democratic Governor Andy Beshear's watch: 30%
Jobs added last month: 177,000
Number of Catholic cardinals out of the 133 voting for the new pope who were appointed by Pope Francis: 108
Length of the chimney that sends up the smoke to announce whether or not a pope had been elected: 98 feet
Age of Golden Globe Award-winning Laugh-In icon Ruth Buzzi when she died last week: 88
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Hello, down there!" "Hello, up there!"
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CHEERS to the sweetest three words in the English language: MAINE THUMPS TRUMP. Remember back in February when our feisty governor—formerly our feisty state attorney general—looked the president in his dead eyeballs after he threatened to pull funding to our state and growled: "I'll see you in court"? And remember how Trump responded by saying he would love for that to happen because he would win bigly, beautifully, and perfectly? Here's how that turned out:
Maine Gov. Janet Mills is celebrating a legal settlement between the state and the U.S. Department of Agriculture regarding the freezing or termination of funding over alleged Title IX violations. […]
The fist that delivered Trump’s latest knuckle sandwich.
"A few months ago, I stood in the White House and when confronted by the president of the United States, I told him I'd see him in court. Well, I did see him in court and we won," Mills said Friday. "It's good to feel a victory like this. We took them to court, and we won."[…]
"[The USDA order defunding the Child Nutrition program was] something that smacked of a ransom note written by a school child," Mills said. "A demand letter that was outrageous at the time and remains outrageous today."
Memo to governors around the country (I'm lookin' at you, Michigan's Gretchen Whitmer): watch Maine…and learn.
JEERS to David Horowitz. Not because he was a right-wing extremist who gained enormous power by bamboozling his ignorant followers into parting with their hard-earned money to fund his and his freedom-hating "Freedom Center." Not because he twisted the words of The Bible to suit his political aims. Not because his organization was an anti-Black ("where is their gratitude [to white people] for ending slavery?"), anti-gay, anti-immigrant hate group. Not because he nurtured the rise of such fascist whackadoos as Candace Owen, Charlie Kirk and Stephen Miller. Not because he was an Obama "birther." Not because he accused unions of supporting terrorism. No, I jeer him today because, darn it, I have this dumb rule that says I have to say something nice about the recently departed. So here goes: he married a woman who rescues abused horses. Ah…the banality of evil.
CHEERS to the punch line of the year. Surely this one will win me the Mark Twain Prize next year: Heyyyyyyy, did you hear that the new House budget calls for an additional $150 billion for the Pentagon? Yeah. And that's just for Pete Hegseth's mini bar!
And don’t call me Shirley.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to connecting the docs. The American Medical Association, which is rapidly coming around in favor of a single-payer health care system, was formed 176 years ago this week. Medical professionals from 22 states and 28 medical schools attended to hear such topics as: "How to Smoke a Stogie Properly Over an Open Wound," "Why Drugs Will Never Replace A Good Arsenic Tincture" and “Ether: Your Trusted After-hours Friend.” On their first day they unanimously approved the association's motto which is still in place today: "E Pluribus Three O'clock Tee Time."
CHEERS to the two-minutiest two minutes in sports. Do you realize that if you'd bet the farm on "Sovereignty" to win the 2025 Churchill Downs Drunks 'N Floppy Hats Horse Show Saturday, you'd now have three farms??? You could never run that many farms by yourself. The bookkeeping alone would probably kill ya if the hay-baling didn't. And that's what I keep telling myself before I go to bed every night to keep me from killing myself for not betting the farm on "American Pharaoh."
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 5, 2015
CHEERS to comic relief, JEERS to nuttiness beyond belief. Oh joy…we're gonna need three more lecterns at the Republican debates, thanks to the announcements of a trio of candidates. In no particular order: Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, and Mike Huckabee. Meanwhile, Ohio Governor John Kasich is making some noise about his intention to run. Last month he said that it all depended on getting a green light from God. Now he's getting teased for saying it all depends on getting a green light from money. Said Kasich to his critics: "What, it's against the law to use synonyms?"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Cinco de Mayo (or, thanks to our current president, now also known as Taco Bowl Abuse Awareness Day). This is the one day a year when we can legally re-enact the Battle of Puebla using live ammunition. At Casa de C&J this morning we observed our usual custom of planting a Mexican flag in our neighbor's yard and then taking them prisoner. Finally, after beating our Archduke Maximilian piñata senseless, we dug into some nachos so we could revel in, of course, “an authentic Irish experience.” Meanwhile, the actual Mexicans in Mexico will take part in their annual May 5 tradition of rolling their eyes at us and wondering if a wall keeping us out of their country is something they might want to pay for after all.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine is playing dumb. And he's pretty convincing about it."
—Chris Brennan
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