Late Night Snark: GOP War on Christmas Edition
“If a Democrat had even hinted about toy rationing for American children, we’d have a full week of Fox News special reports on 'The Sobbing Children of Socialist America,' and there would be a boom of gun-toting patriots going, ‘You can have my G.I. Joe when you pry him from my kung fu grip!' But this is the brilliance of Trump. In the same interview where he says to Americans, ‘Sorry about your Christmas, suck it up,’ he talks about a 90-million dollar parade that just so happens to fall on his birthday and it’s totally worth it.”
—Jon Stewart
“Wow, who could’ve seen that coming? All the good stuff is Trump, all the bad stuff is Biden. Sunshine? That’s Trump. Rain? That’s Sleepy Joe. Pizza? Trump. Box of spinach you buy because you’re trying to be healthy and you forget about it and it gets dark and wet so you throw it out? That’s Biden. Ivanka? Trump. Eric? Biden.”
—Stephen Colbert, on Trump saying “I think the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are the Biden economy.”
—Via The Daily Show
“It was reported that the Homeland Security department has created a method to assess tattoos and determine if they’re gang signs. The way it works is, they check to see if the tattoo is on brown skin.”
—Michael Che, SNL
“Holy shit! The first American Pope. Let me just say, as an American: are you sure about this? We don’t really have the sort of gravitas you associate with pope-iness. We’re less somber procession and more monster truck rally.”
—The Daily Show’s desi Lydic
“Man, J.D. Vance is oh-for-two on Popes. He grim reaper’ed the last one, and got dunked on by this one. That’s how you know the new Pope’s from Chicago.”
—Seth Meyers
“Burger King is facing a lawsuit saying that their Whopper hamburgers are smaller than advertised. Meanwhile, Burger King’s legal defense is that the king has divine power and doesn’t recognize any courts.”
—Jimmy Fallon
“The Kentucky Derby was this past weekend. The winner was a horse named Sovereignty who beat a horse named Journalism, I presume because he got stuck behind a paywall. … A horse named Sovereignty beating one called Journalism is a little too on the nose for what’s happening right now. Get ready for next year, when Checks and Balances loses to Measles.”
—After Midnight's Taylor Tomlinson
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 9, 2025
Note: C&J is taking a break on Monday because good lord, people, have you seen what's going on out there? Back Tuesday with a blueprint for getting the nation back on track with nothing more than thumbtacks and turnip juice. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 2
Days 'til the OC Greek Festival in Anaheim, California: 7
Current support among registered voters polled by Navigator Research for tariffs imposed on the American people by the Republican party, versus 56% who disapprove: 37%
Number of percentage points by which support for the Republican tariffs has dropped since inauguration day: 15
Year-over-year increase in used car prices as of April: 4.9%
Drop in Tesla registrations in Sweden during April: 81%
Last year that the pope's ring was used as a signet to seal official papal documents, a practice that Leo XIV should bring back because I saw it happen in a movie once and it’s really cool: 1842
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Ready for beddy…
-
CHEERS and JEERS to the ins and outs of the week. Normally I prefer to bore you, dear reader, with huge swaths of lengthy paragraphs accompanied by supporting documentation numbering in the hundreds of pages to summarize the week we've just endured. But I'm feeling brevity in the air tonight, so I'll just lean on a cheap gimmick to whisk you through it in record time:
Ordinary ID: Out
Real ID: In (20 years after being signed into law)
Canadian "For Sale" sign: Out
Canadian sovereignty: In
Old psycho Surgeon General nominee: Out
New psycho Surgeon General nominee: In
Modern, functional prisons: Out
Alcatraz: In
30 Dolls, 250 pencils: Out
2 dolls, 5 pencils: In
Old German chancellor: Out
New German chancellor: In
Old pope: Out
New pope: In
Gulf of Mexico: Still in
Gulf of America: F*ck you
Profits on crypto purchases by gullible cash-strapped MAGA rubes: Out
Profits on crypto purchases manipulated and insider-traded by rich MAGA vultures: In
F-18s that fall off of Pete Hegseth's aircraft carriers: Out
F-18s that manage to stay on deck: In
Inspected food: Out
Food that crawls into the living room to curl up and watch TV with you: In
The president's oath to "protect and defend the Constitution of the United States": In or Out—Dementia Don is thinking it over.
And finally, In-N-Out Burger: Yes.
JEERS to Saint Billy the Obnoxious. I think I got the New Pope Fever. This was me yesterday morning following our local Catholic bishop down Congress Street:
[Tap Tap!] Did they elect a new pope yet? [Tap Tap!] Did they elect a pope yet? [Tap Tap!] Does it bother you when I do this? [Tap Tap!] Does it bother you when I do this? [Tap Tap!] Did they elect a new pope yet? [Tap Tap!]
So in my world there were two ways to know when they settled on the new guy: 1) white smoke from the Sistine Chapel and 2) the lifting of the bishop's restraining order against me. Either way: exciting. (Hi, Leo! ‘Sup?)
CHEERS to fuzzy math. Well, at least fuzzy mathematicians. Einstein's theory of relativity ("The Foundation of the General Theory of Relativity" to be precise) was presented 107 years ago this week in front of the Prussian Academy of Sciences. His later words:
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
Or sit with Marjorie Taylor-Greene for a second and it seems like forever. That’s eternity.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to fluid situations. On May 10, 1863, pretend “General” Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson died of pneumonia after one of his own men shot him a week earlier in a battle at Chancellorsville during the war he joined to destroy the United States of America in order to preserve ownership of human beings possessing skin pigmentation different from his own.
Stonewall Jackson’s statue being torn down in Richmond, Virginia in 2020. Good riddance, traitor.
True fact: he would've survived longer, but Jefferson Davis’s newly-signed Rebelcare health insurance plan considered pneumonia a pre-existing condition, and the high-risk pool his insurer put Jackson into had already run out of money. Sadly, the bake sale table that J.E.B. Stuart and Robert E. Lee set up to raise funds for his surgery was turned into splinters by a Union cannonball, leaving only Mrs. Beauregard's lemon tarts, which were far too mushy and sour and only brought in 3 cents. And that's why you read C&J: we bring history to life.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I've thought long and hard about it, and I've narrowed my weekend activities down to two things: clean up six months worth of winter dog poop in the yard…or watch a bunch of TV. Probably the latter.
Cats will be watching the BBC (Bird Butt Channel).
The viewing starts tonight with MSNBC unpacking the latest Friday night news dumps. Or you can watch a new episode of Hollywood Squares at 8 on ABC. (Sorry, Drew Barrymore, but Paul Lynde remains the undisputed ruler of the center square.) Or you can live-skeet the classic Star Trek episode The Enterprise Incident (H&I Network, and BlueSky hashtag #allstartrek) in which Kirk becomes an undercover Romulan so he can steal a ship’s cloaking device.
The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA semifinals schedule is here. Walton Goggins (The Righteous Gemstones, White Lotus) hosts SNL with musical guest Arcade Fire.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on DOGE’s failure to find fraud in government programs, and advances in the treatment of spinal cord injuries. Homer and Grampa team up to create an alternative to pickleball on The Simpsons, and Brian has to wear a shock collar to curb his barking on Family Guy (Fox). then John Oliver slays another corporate beast at 11 on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Secretary of Keeping All the Planes Grounded Sean “Duh”-ffy; Senators Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and John Barrasso (Fascist-WY).
And this week on “Press the Meat”...
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: New Mexico’s Democratic Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham; United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby pines for the good old Buttigieg days; Rep. Michael McCaul (Fascist-TX).
CNN's State of the Union: Gov. Chris Sununu (Fascist-NH); Strange ghoul Rahm Emanuel.
Fox Fascism Sunday: Secretary of Destroying the Commerce Department Howard Lunatic; Sen. Tom Cotton (Fascist-AR).
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 9, 2015
JEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: common criminal. Imagine my surprise when I found out yesterday that I'm being sued by a woman in Nebraska for being a card-carrying homosexual. Among the charges Sylvia Driskell is leveling against me and every other gay person in America (specifically, “Homosexuals; Their Given Name Homosexuals; Their, Alias Gay”):
“Never before has Our (sic) great Nation (sic) the United States of America And (sic) our great State of Nebraska; been besiege (sic) by sin; The way to destroy any Nation (sic), or State (sic) is to destroy its morals; Look what happen (sic) to Sodom and Gomorrah two city (sic) because of th1ae same immoral behavior thats (sic) present in Our Nation (sic), in Our States (sic), and our (sic) Cities; God destroy them.”
In response, I plan to counter-sue all of Nebraska's Sylvia Driskells for sins against the English language. After all, look what happened to Spellom and Grammarah!
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to ol' Whats'ername. So what's Mom worth these days? According to insure.com, more than ever...
if America’s mothers were paid for their work around the house, they would have earned an annual salary of $145,235 over the past year, according to Insure.com’s Mother’s Day Index for 2025.
Moms’ wages increased by 4% from last year’s Mother’s Day Index, which found that the work mothers did was equivalent to a salary of $140,315
“Oh, an uncomfortable chair for Mother’s day? You shouldn’t have. Really. You shouldn’t have.”
The Mother’s Day Index recognizes the incredible work moms do for their families every day. From managing daily routines to providing emotional support and taking care of household responsibilities—sometimes on top of a full-time career—moms consistently show up, even when their contributions go unpaid.
In calculating mom’s salary for 2025, we used the same 19 job categories that were the basis for last year’s index. Earnings increased for all but one job.
So why don't we actually pay fulltime moms for their toil? Because they'd just funnel the money into a tax-free "Crypto Mommy Account" in the Cayman Islands and use the interest—not to mention their “Mommy Space Lasers”—to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother's Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then, for your own personal safety, it would probably be a good idea to run away really fast. And return with a gift card to a day spa.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
