All Aboard
Via The Daily Show, a revolution in modern U.S. air travel, courtesy of new Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy:
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And for only $50 extra you can rent a red MAGA hat, which entitles you to shout conspiracy theories and Jesus stuff at the rest of the passengers for the duration of the flight. Hooray—they’ve made flying in America great again!
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 11, 2025
Note: Full moon tonight. Get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and all our departed space pioneers, and give it a wink. (And, if desired, hock a loogie for Elon Musk.)
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By the Numbers:
Saturday!!!
Days 'til the nationwide June 14 No Kings Protests: 3
Days 'til Ice Cream Days in Le Mars, Iowa: 7
Current average price of gas: $3.08
Number of dams removed across Europe last year, up from 487 dismantled in 2023: 542
Rank of Finland (138), France (128) and Spain (96) among countries who removed the most dams last year: #1, #2, #3
Number of times in his second term Trump has tripped up the steps leading to Air Force One: 1
Age of pop icon Sly Stone when he died this week: 82
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 astounding stealth takeover of America by the heathen). Soul Protection Factor 69 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Now with bonus Babe and Randy Newman
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CHEERS to C&J Theater. We may have gotten snubbed again at last weekend's Tony Awards, but that doesn’t mean my quill and inkwell are suddenly going to sit idle. Here's an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek at my new one-act play, based on current events:
[Curtain Up]
Setting: A room full of U.S. Marines preparing to take to the streets of Los Angeles to confront innocent and peaceful citizens
Sgt. Carter
Everybody check your guns! On the double! We're gonna put down
this citizen uprising our commander-in-chief created out of thin
air if it's the last thing we do!
Pvt. Pyle
Yes, sir! Right away, si…
[Pvt. Pyle slips on a banana peel]
[Pvt. Pyle's gun goes off]
Blam Blam Blam Blam Blam!!!!
Sgt. Carter
Pyle! You clumsy nitwit! I'm putting you on K.P. for a month!
Pvt. Pyle
Well shucks and goooooooolly!
[Curtain down]
I dunno. Should it be a play or a musical?
JEERS to the death cult. Red state Republican leaders and six ghouls on the Supreme Court are shooting champagne corks off their bottles this morning, now that new data confirms what they've been praying for: their hands-off approach to gun laws have led to a literal boom in the absorption of bullets by kids' bodies, just as they expected…
A new study published Monday in JAMA Pediatrics found that over 7,000 more children died from firearm-related injuries in the years following a 2010 Supreme Court decision that gave states greater power to set their own gun laws. Most of those deaths occurred in states that opted to make it easier to purchase and carry firearms. […]
Meanwhile, four states—California, New York, Maryland, and Rhode Island, all of which had strict laws—saw significant drops in pediatric gun deaths.
The top five states for gun deaths among kids: Mississippi, Louisiana, Montana, Alaska, and Missouri…with South Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee right behind. “Much obliged,” said the CEO of Acme Tiny Coffins, Inc., just moments before RFK Jr. appointed him assistant secretary of Health and Human Services.
CHEERS to the C&J punch line express lane—for people on the go who need a terrible joke delivered fast. A new look at the data by ABC News says that wherever plastic bag bans are in place, they work wonders to protect the environment. Even more good news: bans on plastic bags mean fewer Linda McMahon sightings. [Long pause.] You're welcome.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a good start. On June 11, 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee in Philadelphia to draft a Declaration of Independence. Here are three of those members—Adams, Franklin, and Jefferson—hashing out the particulars in one of my favorite scenes from the HBO miniseries John Adams:
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The Declaration itself was nice, but what really floors me is: a committee actually did something useful.
CHEERS to sports shorts. A quick roundup of recent events from the world of friendly competition:
NBA Finals: Oklahoma City and Indiana are tied at 1 game apiece.
Stanley Cup Hockey Championship: Florida leads Edmonton 2 games to 1. Regardless of who wins, the biggest victors will be the tooth-implant specialists.
Coco crushed it.
Belmont Stakes: Sovereignty
French Open: Coco Gauff (USA! USA!) and Carlos Alcaraz (Spain)
Major League Baseball standings: [Checks to see how Boston is doing; sees that Boston is not in first place.] These numbers are currently irrelevant.
Canadian Open: Ryan Fox of New Zealand wins the six-pack of Molson.
Tony Awards: Purpose (play) and Maybe Happy Ending (Musical).
And this just in: game two of the Jarts for Jesus tournament has been canceled after it was discovered there were no survivors after game one.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 11, 2015
JEERS to what's-gonna-happen whiplash. If you're looking for agreement among the economic "experts" this week, you apparently will have trouble finding it. On the one hand:
Wall Street economists, however, aren't that worried about the first quarter and still expect a snapback in the second quarter.
On the other hand…
U.S. economic growth in the second quarter is predicted to be far weaker than previously expected and it will prevent the pace of annual growth from exceeding last year's 2.4 percent, according to a forecast by a group of U.S. business economists.
As always, C&J's advice is pretty simple when dealing with financial matters: get really stoned and then listen to your piggy bank. It'll give you an uninterrupted earful for a good ninety minutes.
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And just one more…
JEERS to summer homework. Sorry, kids, but apparently your math teacher isn’t letting you forget what you learned during the school year:
And, yes, there will be a pop quiz at the next rest stop.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"The hell is this Bill in Portland Maine? Come after me. Let’s just get it over with, tough guy. He needs to grow up. I’m sorry to be so clear, but Cheers and Jeers is exhausting. So, Bill, throw me in the kiddie pool. Let’s go.”
—Governor Gavin Newsom (D-CA)
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