Late Night Snark: L.A. Isn't Burning Edition
"When asked in an interview about Elon Musk tweeting that he was in the Jeffrey Epstein files, President Trump said, 'That's called old news.' Never a good sign when someone accuses you of being in the Epstein files and your response is: 'Please. Everybody knows that already.' "
—Seth Meyers
"As we speak, Trump has sent thousands of troops into downtown L.A. to quell what historians will remember as The Battle of That Video of a Burning Waymo Car They Kept Showing On Cable News."
—Stephen Colbert
"Everyone was talking about Trump being on the Epstein list and fighting with Elon. So what did he do? He manufactured a crisis. He got back to what got him here in the first place—good old xenophobia. I don’t know what happened to the states' rights he thinks so much of when it suits him, but I know I speak for a lot of us here when I say leave us alone here. We don’t need you. We don't need your 'help.' [...]
And to those of you in the National Guard who have been thrust into this: when Donald Trump orders you to do something that is immoral, try to get your dad's podiatrist to write a note to say you have bone spurs."
—Jimmy Kimmel
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Clip of Trump speaking to press: We're gonna have troops everywhere. We're not gonna let this happen to our country. They spit, that's their new thing. And when that happens I have a little statement: when they spit, we hit.
Jon Stewart: Well done, Mr. Churchill. 'When they spit, we hit.' For the love of god, someone protect Hawk Tuah Girl.
—The Daily Show
“We cannot just give up and let this guy do whatever he wants to this country. You can’t have America without immigrants. That would be like, I don’t know, having Epstein’s flight logs without Donald Trump.”
—After Midnight host Taylor Tomlinson
"Trump's terrible policy has generated a huge backlash, which he's responded to by overreacting, which is gonna generate another backlash. We don’t know how this is gonna end, but at least we know it'll be a huge waste of money. Hello, DOGE? I found some cuts for ya."
—The Daily Show's Desi Lydic
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 13, 2025
Note: How do you know when Friday the 13th has brought you bad luck? When you find yourself reading Cheers and Jeers on a Friday night. Here endeth the lesson.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til summer: 7
Days 'til the California's annual Irvine Greek Festival: 7
Current U.S. inflation rate: 2.4%
Increase in egg prices for the year: 41.5%
Percent drop, according to Pew polling, in favorable views of the U.S. by Swedes, Mexicans, and Poles since Trump took over in January: -28%, -32%, -22%
Expected amount that Ferris Bueller's leopard-print sweater vest is expected to fetch at auction on June 24: $300,000 to $600,000
Age of Beach Boys founder Brian Wilson when he died this week: 82
And...
Years, as of Sunday, since my partner Michael smoked his last cigarette: 17
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Take yer pick…
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CHEERS to a friendly gathering of pissed-off 'Murcans. Thanks to a majority of fucking idiots who voted for an even-worse second Trump presidency, with a generous assist from millions of fucking idiots who sat on their asses on election day, we're back to spending another otherwise perfectly lovely weekend spellchecking protest signs and yelling our lungs out against precisely the same kind of tyranny that gave birth to our experiment with representative democracy. I THOUGHT WE'D SETTLED THIS 249 YEARS AGO!!! So off we go in our Buster Browns to let King TACO know that this is our fucking country and he works for us:
No Kings is a nationwide day of defiance. From city blocks to small towns, from courthouse steps to community parks, we’re taking action to reject authoritarianism—and show the world what democracy really looks like.
We’re not gathering to feed his ego. We’re building a movement that leaves him behind. The flag doesn’t belong to President Trump. It belongs to us. We’re not watching history happen. We’re making it.
On June 14th, we’re showing up everywhere he isn’t—to say no thrones, no crowns, no kings.
More on the event and how to find one near you here. And for the all-important info on protesters’ rights and responsibilities click here for guidance from the ACLU.
Meanwhile, Pope Leo XIV will also be using his pro-immigrant pulpit—via Zoom/Jumbotron at the White Sox's stadium—to steal some of Trump's thunder by conducting the first mass for his home city since being elected. May God smite him where he stands. Trump, I mean.
JEERS to the birthday crook. Donald Trump, the 7-foot-4, 180-pound (all muscle), 3,397 IQ fascist dictator-wannabe of the United States turns 79 tomorrow. In his own honor he’s hosting a hot-and-humid pro-Waste, Fraud, and Abuse Parade starring the U.S. Army that has a good chance of getting thunderstorm’ed. As for us, we got him the usual:
It’s the least we could do. So that’s what we did.
CHEERS to tummy ticklers. The world's first roller coaster—the cutest li'l thang called the Switchback Railway—debuted at Coney Island 141 years ago. Today we commemorated the anniversary in the usual way by throwing up on our neighbors.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Things That Bounce for $400, please. During this week in 1844, Charles Goodyear got a patent for better rubber, which would prove wildly successful in the production of tires. When asked last week if the company could patent a similar substance that would give DHS Secretary Kristi Noem something even slightly resembling an I.Q. bounce, a company spokesman said, "Hey, we're chemists, not miracle workers."
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of stuff that might show up on the tube this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes and the evening lineup doing their Friday night doings they do on MSNBC. There’s a The Office marathon on Comedy Central. Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes is the guest on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. And at 9 our favorite Beatles drummer hosts Ringo & Friends at the Ryman (CBS).
The feared sandbox hazard in the 12th fairway at Oakmont will steal many dreams at the U.S. Open.
The most popular movies and streamers, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Do we really need another Train Your Dragon flick?) The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup schedule is here, the WNBA schedule is here, and the NBA finals schedule is here. Golf balls will find their way into traps, lakes and cups this weekend as the U.S Open golf tourney airs on NBC.
Sunday is a barren wasteland, so that would be your cue to patch the roof, clean the gutters, and/or kick back in a hammock.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senators Adam Schiff (D-CA) and Rand Paul (Fascist-KY).
This Week: Israeli Ambassador to the U.S. Dr. Yechiel Leiter; Senator Alex Padilla (D-CA); Former CENTCOM Commander Gen. Joseph Votel (Ret.).
Gee, I wonder if he’ll pull his punches. No, I really don’t.
Face the Nation: Senators Alex Padilla (D-CA) and Tom “Dumber Than A Bale Of” Cotton (Fascist-AR).
CNN's State of the Union: Senator Alex Padilla (D-CA); Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass; Vice president that his boss wanted to hang Mike Pence. (I hope they all remember to help Jake Tapper promote his book on how Joe Biden had problems with his brain.)
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senators John Thune (Fascist-ND) and Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 13, 2015
JEERS to Jebby Come Lately. If it's a day ending in y, that must mean there's another Republican entering the presidential race. Today it's George W. Bush's Hispanic brother Jeb, who says he a) would've definitely invaded Iraq like his brother b) might've invaded Iraq like his brother or c) wouldn't have invaded Iraq like his brother. Jeb's speech will focus on all the hardships he's faced in his life. On the list: getting zoning approval to build his new $1.4 million summer mansion on Walker's Point in Kennebunkport. And if he can think of any others between now and noon, he'll include those, too.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to everyone's favorite Center Square. Today is late comedian and Hollywood Squares icon Paul Lynde's 99th birthday. Regular readers know I boast about him because he and I share the same hometown—Mt. Vernon, Ohio—and also a distrust of politicians: "They talk in generalities and lies, and I think they’ve caused all our grief."
It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material...
Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
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Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Mt. Vernon, Ohio’s finest.
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Peter Marshall: According to the Constitution, what's the proper term for our form of government?
Paul Lynde: At the moment? Shaky. Or will you accept Thppppppppttt!!!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles.
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Peter Marshall: True or false…research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…
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Peter Marshall: What was your grandmother probably trying to do when she drank a mixture of kerosene, sugar and onion juice?
Paul Lynde: We’ll never know. She blew up.
He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor screamed, "Helloooo!!!" Scores of homophobic fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Liberace may have cried all the way to the bank. But Paul? Oh, he swished.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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