Late Night Snark: Tanks For the Memories Edition
"On Saturday, Trump had his much-anticipated stupid Sweet 16 party disguised as a tribute to the U.S. Army he bone-spurred his way out of. After all the hype and money—somewhere around 50-million dollars—it was boring. It was basically a 50-million dollar version of when a five-year-old shows you every car in his Hot Wheels collection."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Our system of government is in dire straits, but the massive outpouring of energy across the country was proof that Americans will not easily give up democracy. This was, by all accounts, one of the largest recorded protests in American history. Compare that to the president, who despite all his power and wealth looked like a guy trying to use his crappy golden phone to call roadside assistance."
—Seth Meyers
“I am genuinely baffled. Why is it when a foreigner—or someone that shouldn’t be here—kills one of us, we’re going to put 150-billion dollars into border security, we’re going to militarize our cities, we’re going to spend trillions of dollars to bomb and destabilize foreign countries overseas, we're going to ban people from random countries from ever fucking visiting here, [and] we’re going to take our shoes off at the airport forever? But when we do it to ourselves? Nothing. It makes no sense—it's jarring cognitive dissonance.”
—Jon Stewart, on the MAGA cult’s obsession with beefing up law enforcement and the military in response to barely-existent shootings by immigrants, while doing nothing to reduce the epidemic of shootings—like the assassination of Rep. Melissa Hortman and her husband Mark—by home-grown Americans.
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“For two days now, the world has been waiting for Donald Trump to decide whether to accept Israel’s e-vite to go to war with Iran. We know he’s viewed it, but he still hasn’t RSVPed. I hate it when that happens.”
—The Daily Show's Jordan Klepper
"Yesterday, here in new York City, ICE violently detained New York City comptroller and mayoral candidate Brad Lander. That is a terrifying abuse of power, and they didn’t even have the decency to dress for it. Without uniforms they don’t look like law enforcement. They just look like dudes shopping for protein powder at GNC."
—Stephen Colbert
“The heat is already brutal. Today on my way into work I was sweating like Ted Cruz being asked about Iran.”
—Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 20, 2025
Note: For your protection, C&J has installed a new atmosphere purification machine developed by some of my buddies that eliminates 99.999% of all airborne particulate matter. You will be billed in five easy installments of $19.95 for this service. Also, because our miracle device eliminates 99.999% of all oxygen particles, you have approximately 3 minutes to live. Have a great weekend. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Labor Day: 73
Days 'til San Francisco Pride: 8
Expected economic growth in 2025, a figure revised downward by the Federal Reserve governors and Reserve Bank presidents this week: 1.2% to 1.5%
Number of times (so far) King TACO has chickened out on making a decision about TikTok: 3
Percent drop during May in imports to the port of L.A., which handles 40% of the nation's shipping container traffic: 11%
Number of damning facts that emerged during the Senate Judiciary Committee's taxpayer-funded investigation of Joe Biden's cognitive abilities, much to the dismay of Jake Tapper: 0
Chance of catching an all-orange lobster: 1-in-30 million
Date on which I created my very first blockquote in C&J: 6/21/05
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans...
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JEERS to chutzpah from the skies. Israel's war on Iran continues without any signs of stopping. And the government of Benjamin Netanyahu—now in his 20th year of insisting that Iran is just moments away from having a nuclear bomb—is furious, furious I tell you, that one of their foe's missiles hit an Israeli hospital:
An Iranian missile slammed into the main hospital in southern Israel early Thursday, leaving dozens of people with minor injuries, causing significant damage, and drawing a swift vow from Israeli leaders of intensified attacks on Iran's military and "government targets." Israel's defense chief accused Iran of war crimes and said its Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei would be held accountable.
Yes. Let this be a lesson heard around the world, courtesy of Israel: when you send a missile into a hospital—a war crime!!!—you will not only be held to account, but held to account swiftly. So prepare to turn yourselves in, all you hospital missile-striking criminals:
Israeli military assaults on the Gaza Strip’s hospitals have ramped up in recent weeks to the highest level so far this year, bringing a health system already weakened by 19 months of war to a breaking point. [...]
“Nearly all hospitals in Gaza are now damaged or destroyed, and half of them are no longer operational,” Jens Laerke, spokesperson for the United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, or OCHA, told NBC News. During the war, Gaza’s hospitals have eked back services, only to be repeatedly struck or besieged again.
Repeating our top story: Bad, Iran, bad bad Iran!
JEERS to today's consumer recall alert. Pay attention, this is important: a children's cold elixir called "Little Remedies Honey Cough Syrup" is being recalled. The item number is 7-56184-10737-9. The issue, according to the federal government, is microbial contamination. HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says the product doesn’t contain enough of it, so he's ordering the it off the shelves until the company can bring the formula up to "water wrung out of swim trunks after splashing in contaminated stream" standards.
CHEERS to great moments in agriculture! On tomorrow’s date in 1834, Cyrus McCormick got his patent approved for the first reaping machine. Eh, sow what?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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(Jaws hit theaters 50 years ago today)
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(John Williams, winner of the 1975 ‘Original Score’ Oscar, still keeps busy at 93.)
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to seals that can’t balance a beach ball on their nose. On June 20, 1782, the Great Seal of the United States was finally adopted by Congress. They sure took their sweet time getting there:
On July 4, 1776,the same day that independence from Great Britain was declared by the thirteen states, the Continental Congress named the first committee to design a Great Seal, or national emblem, for the country.
The eye, of course, is George Soros’s. (He sees you, Q-Anon. Ooga Booga!)
Similar to other nations, The United States needed an official symbol of sovereignty to formalize and seal (or sign) international treaties and transactions. It took six years, three committees, and the contributions of fourteen men before the Congress finally accepted a design (which included elements proposed by each of the three committees) in 1782.
Taking our annual inventory: 13 stars, 13 stripes, 13 arrows in the eagle’s talon,13 letters in the mottos "e pluribus unum" and "annuit coeptis," 52 total letters on it (which are divisible by 13), 13 olive leaves, 13 olives on the branch, 13 levels in the pyramid, and 13 sides showing on the ribbon. But designer Charles Thomson stopped short of including a black cat walking under a ladder. That would've been considered unlucky.
CHEERS to home vegetation. As far as TV goes, not much on this weekend. The MSNBC crew will be competing with the always dependable The Office marathon on Comedy Central. Oh, and tonight at 8 me and my online Enterprise crewmates are live-skeeting—via BlueSky hashtag #allstartrek—the classic Balance of Terror episode of Star Trek (the first appearance of Mark Lenard—Spock’s dad in subsequent episodes but a Romulan commander in this one) airing on the H&I network. Also: a 50th anniversary airing of Jaws at 8 on NBC.
50 years later and they still ain’t got one. (Jaws airs at 8 on NBC.)
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA final wraps up Sunday with game 7 between Oklahoma City and Indiana (ABC). And with the Stanley Cup won by Florida this week, we’re down to just the ongoing Major League Baseball schedule and the WNBA schedule. Oh, and the Women’s PGA Championship airs tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on NBC.
Sunday’s a snoozer, so do what makes ya happy. But if you can stay up ‘til 11:00, John Oliver delivers another hot plate of Last Week Tonight (HBO) with a side of kippers and chips.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senators Mark Kelly (D-AZ) and Lindsey “I Got Me A Woody Over This New War We Done Got Here” Graham (Fascist-SC); Bob Costas.
Also: the ghost of John McCain shows up on every network to celebrate how war with Iran is excellent news for him.
This Week: Senator Tom Cotton (Fascist-AR); U.S. Marine Col. Steve Ganyard (Ret.) on the Israel-Iran-U.S. War.
Face the Nation: Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA).
CNN's State of the Union: Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA); Senior White House Lip Plumper and Puppy Murderer Kristi Noem; Israeli President Isaac Herzog.
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senators Tim Kaine (D-VA) and assassination celebrator Mike Lee (Fascist-UT).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 20, 2015
JEERS to dragging your virtual heels. This is exactly why net neutrality rules are so important. The FCC just busted AT&T for giving internet subscribers less gerbil power than they were promised:
The FCC found that when customers used up a certain amount of data watching movies or browsing the Web, AT&T "throttled" their Internet speeds so that they were much slower than normal. Millions of AT&T customers were affected by the practice, according to the FCC. The fine, which AT&T says it will fight, is the largest ever levied by the agency.
By not properly disclosing the policy to consumers who thought they were getting "unlimited" data, the company violated the FCC's ru
I'll post the rest of the copy in the blockquote just as soon as my Time-Warner connection stops buffering.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the thawing season. Summer arrives tonight at 10:42 ET. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we can feel our toes up here in Maine again.
Bonus puppy pic. My terat.
Two months (here, anyway—unlike our summer, yours may include September) of peace, tranquility, and boring news cycles. Right? Right??? If only. But for Maine it does bring 60 glorious days of heat after months of shutting ourselves inside, closing all the windows and cranking the furnace up to 70. First item on our agenda as summer gets its solstice on: shutting ourselves inside, closing all the windows, and cranking the AC down to 70.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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