Monday with George
Hard to believe it was seventeen years ago when we got the news that Philosopher of Comedy George Carlin had died too young at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his brain droppings…
"Remember, kids, Mr. Policeman is your friend. Always cooperate with him. Mr. Policeman wants to help you, so you must help Mr. Policeman. Don't forget, if you refuse to cooperate, Mr. Policeman will beat you to death. Especially if you're not white."
“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms."
”Men don’t show emotion, except rage, because it takes strength to show soft emotions. Most men don’t have that kind of strength. They keep things inside. Then they kill someone.”
"Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise."
1937-2008
"Children's Hospital in New York is quite an amazing place. On a recent visit, I saw two seven-year-olds performing a kidney transplant."
"They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?"
“Trade is always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating ‘which policy is better for America,’ don’t bend over.”
There's a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, "Fuck you, I don’t do that."
”A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up.”
“When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. I'm puzzled by the whole thing.”
"Stick around. China's gonna win it all."
And if you have time, sit back for ten minutes and appreciate the sheer preparation and practice required to pull off his legendary (and NSFW) set about those seven infamous words. Like a vuvuzela to the ears of the Puritan.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 23, 2025
Note: Hello, customer service? I'd like to exchange my current planet for a new one, please. It broke. Yes, I'll hold………
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til the original No Kings Day: 11
Days 'til Taste of Chicago in Marquette Park: 5
Population of Iran: 91 million
Number of claims made by King George Bush II about Iraq having WMDs that turned out to be true: 0
Drop over the last six years in the presence of plastic bags along shorelines in communities that have plastic-bag regulations in place, according to a new report in Science: 47%
Number of the seven K-pop band BTS members who have now completed their enlistment duties in the South Korean military service: 7
Age of Fred Smith, who founded FedEx in 1973, when he died over the weekend: 80
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In a tree in someone's backyard…Saved!!!
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CHEERS to Billeh's Monday Morning Clocky-Time Update. In an effort to keep track of the president's ever-shifting deadlines for making decisions on critical issues and developments that will affect the fate of the entire world, here's a quick rundown of where things stand at the moment:
Formally declaring War on Iran: Two weeks, unless he did it last Saturday
Brokering peace between Russia and Ukraine: Two weeks
Tariff deals with trading partners: Two weeks
Trump done wore out all the clocks.
Tariff deals with non-trading partners: Two weeks
Infrastructure week: Two to three weeks
Rare Earths deal with China: Two weeks
Release of the Epstein Files: 22 weeks (ha ha, just kidding...it’s never.)
Tik-Tok Ban: The 90-day deadline following the original 90-day deadline has expired so the new deadline is 90 days, unless in 90 days he decided to extend the extension of the extension of the deadline
Resumption of ICE raids on farms and hospitality workers: Today, but not tomorrow, but definitely the day after, but not the day after that...and so on.
Annexing Canada and/or Greenland: A period of time, maybe sooner, maybe later, we'll have to see
Please join us for tomorrow's Clocky-Time Update in two weeks.
CHEERS to the little state that just did something BIG. Okay, first of all: notice how I put the word 'big' in all caps? That's the kind of visual wordplay you've come to expect in exchange for your hard-earned dollars, and we will never let you down on that score. At C&J, your entertainment is our HUGE priority. As for the news, Rhode Island just did something rather SIZEABLE to stop mass shootings:
Rhode Island’s Democratic-controlled state House on Friday approved legislation that would ban the sale and manufacturing of many semiautomatic rifles commonly referred to as assault weapons.
The proposal now heads to the desk of Democratic Gov. Dan McKee, who has said he supports assault weapons bans. If the bill is signed into law, Rhode Island will join 10 states that have some sort of prohibition on high-powered firearms that were once banned nationwide and are now largely the weapon of choice among those responsible for most of the country’s devastating mass shootings.
On the downside, the law only bans the sale of the killing machines, not the possession of them. So all you lunatics with closets full of AR-15s and AK-47s can continue working on the latest draft of your manifestos. (Memo to Clem in Woonsocket: it's "The pod people are—not ‘is’—coming after our precious bodily fluids with chemtrails." You've got to pay attention to grammar with these things or people won’t take you seriously.)
CHEERS to supporting the troops. 81 years ago this week, President Roosevelt—he of the super-awesome Democratic Party—signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home.
FDR signs the historic G.I. Bill.
The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
The result was the GI Bill.
Now widely credited with creating the post-war middle class, the GI Bill of Rights provided returning veterans with educational benefits, work training, hiring preferences, and subsidized loans for buying homes, businesses and farms. It continues today to be one of the lasting legacies of the Roosevelt administration.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what our 47th president wants to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies, and other benefits. Message: he cares.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to 1-900-CLARENCETHOMAS. Who's up for some SCOTUS hilarity? On this date in 1989, the Supreme Court refused to shut down the dial-a-porn industry, saying that indecent speech isn’t the same thing as obscenity, and is therefore protected. Interestingly, all the justices in the majority had one cauliflower ear. Coincidence, I'm sure.
P.S. Billionaire Harlan Crow’s pet justice Clarence Thomas (not to be confused with billionaire Paul Singer’s pet justice Samuel Alito) turns 77 today. I hope he enjoyed the little, um, "present" we left on his Coke can this morning. We all chipped in, sir.
JEERS to unwanted visitors. The author of Hillbilly Elegy and Vice President of the United States (until his boss decides he can do that job himself and fires him) dropped in on the thriving fishing port of Los Angeles Friday. The staunch supporter of states' rights announced his unwavering support for the federal takeover of the state's national guard, but not before calling California Senator Alex Padilla "Jose," which didn’t sit real well with the locals:
"Mr. vice president, how dare you disrespect our senator," [L.A. Mayor Karen] Bass said in her news conference. "You don't know his name? But yet you served with him before you were vice president, and you continue to serve with him today. Because last time I checked, the vice president of the United States is the president of the Senate. You serve with him today, but how dare you disrespect him and call him José. But I guess he just looked like anybody to you."
Or, just a thought, J.D.: you can just call him Senator Padilla.
[Governor Gavin] Newsom said that mixing up Padilla's name was "not an accident," noting that Vance and Padilla served in the Senate together. "It was very generous of the Vice President to take time out of his closed-door fundraiser to stage a photo op in front of a fire truck—where he 'mistakenly' called a Latino U.S. Senator 'Jose,'" Newsom's office said in a statement.
In fairness, I sometimes get people's names wrong. Why, just the other day I referred to J.D. Vance as J.D. Poopypants, Captain Eyeliner, Couch Casanova, and Get The Fuck Out Of L.A. You Fascist Fuckwad. It happens.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 23, 2015
JEERS to Slick Joe. The Pope released his encyclical—a document containing direct orders from God—outlining the dangers of climate change and what good people of faith must do to stop treating earth like a disposable garbage dump. Naturally the Republicans are expending copious amounts of CO2 calling it a big nothingburger. Check out who gets quoted first:
“I don’t consider him an expert on environmental issues,” said Texas Rep. Joe Barton, a senior Republican on the Energy and Commerce Committee, in a comment echoed by others in his party.
Yes…this Joe Barton from 2010:
At this morning's hearing with BP CEO Tony Hayward, Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.) went so far as to apologize to the oil company for what he called a "shakedown" on the part of the Obama administration to get the company to establish a $20 billion fund to compensate Gulf coast residents [suffering from damage caused by the Deepwater Horizon oil catastrophe].
Pope Francis reminded him that people in positions of authority who contribute to the destruction of God's green earth risk spending the afterlife in a hellish place where there's a lake of fire burning for eternity. Responded Barton: "A place with no government safety regulations, eh? Sounds more like heaven to me."
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And just one more…
JEERS to the "grown-up" party of “personal responsibility" and "family values." Let's check in and see how the spittle-flinging, hair-pulling, mascara-smearing public feud between Tucker Carlson and Senator Ted Cruz is going. Parental discretion is advised:
[Expletive deleted]
[Another expletive deleted]
[Kick to groin]
[Bowling pin to head]
[Five-minute string of expletives deleted]
[Pause for brief moment of unity to give Laura Loomer a swirlie]
[[Double "expletive deleted" brackets because the expletives are so explicit they keep leaking through single brackets]]
[Threats to steal the other's wife]
And this afternoon: out come the wet noodles.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Reading Cheers and Jeers is absolutely a religious, revolutionary act.
—Ayatollah Khameini
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