Late Night Snark: The Garbage Truck Rolls On Edition
"Over the weekend, The New York Times published a crazy story about Elon Musk, claiming among other things, he was taking ecstasy, psychedelic mushrooms, pills believed to be Adderall, and so much ketamine he told people it was affecting his bladder control. Which is a delightful detail. Between him and Trump, that Oval Office has gotta smell like an abandoned nursing home."
—Jimmy Kimmel
“I do love the detail that he’s the one who told people he had bladder problems. That means things were so bad, he had to be like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing weird, it’s an overabundance of ketamine.’ ”
—Jon Stewart
"Elon Musk is now blasting President Trump’s big beautiful bill as “a disgusting abomination.” And that’s coming from the guy who made the Cybertruck."
—Jimmy Fallon
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“I would expect Trump to hire someone who’s not qualified to handle hurricanes, but to not even know when they come? It’s almost like Trump picks his cabinet the way you select a jury. ‘Do you have any opinions on hurricanes? Have you ever heard of hurricanes? No? Great! You’re hired.’ ”
—The Daily Show’s Michael Kosta, on reports that FEMA head David Richardson claimed he’d never heard of hurricane season
"Wow. Saying 'we're all gonna die' into an open microphone is already a pretty damning summation of Republican politics, but her casual tone made it seem like she might've just planted a bomb in the room."
—John Oliver, on Iowa Senator Joni Ernst's response to Republican Medicaid cuts at a town hall event last week
"Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced last week that the government would change covid vaccine guidance. Your options are now Pfizer, Moderna, or a gallon of raw yak milk."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 6, 2025
Note: Nostradamus predicted that a note would appear at this very spot at this very moment. I'm still waiting. What a fraud.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the nationwide June 14 No Kings Protests: 8
Days 'til the 71st annual North Beach Festival in San Francisco: 8
Amount by which Dollar Tree says King TACO's glorious tariffs will cut their profits: 50%
Confirmed cases of measles in the U.S. so far this year on RFK Jr.'s watch: 1,000
Percent of Americans who smoked cigarettes regularly in 1969 and 2024, respectively, according to Gallup polling: 40%, 11%
Age of Mainer Mark Ancker when he died and was laid to rest in the first mushroom casket used in the U.S.: 77
Percent chance that one of the comments left in response to the above Portland Press Herald story on mushroom caskets is, "What in God’s holy name is this world coming to?": 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to certainty. If you're like the staff here at C&J, lately your head has been full of varying emotions ping-pong'ing in your head like spheres made of polymers with a matte finish having a mass of 0.095 ounces and a diameter of 1.57 inches and a coefficient of restitution of .089 to 0.92 (give or take). It can all seem overwhelming. As we head into a glorious late-spring weekend, I thought it would be helpful to simplify your life and quiet your mind by posting a brief update on what we know thus far about where we stand today:
Earth is the third planet from the Sun and the only astronomical object known to harbor life. This is enabled by Earth being an ocean world, the only one in the Solar System sustaining liquid surface water. Almost all of Earth's water is contained in its global ocean, covering 70.8% of Earth's crust. The remaining 29.2% of Earth's crust island, most of which is located in the form of continental landmasses within Earth's land hemisphere. Most of Earth's land is at least somewhat humid and covered by vegetation, while large sheets of ice at Earth's polar deserts retain more water than Earth's groundwater, lakes, rivers, and atmospheric water combined.
If you found this helpful, please rec, tip, like, poke, repost, retweet, reskeet, re-reddit, memorize, belch, nominate for a Pulitzer and a Nobel, read aloud on your street at midnight like a town crier, convert to crypto, and turn it into a narcissistic 15-second Tik-Tok video featuring a shaky close-up of your face as a sparkle pony head while rainbows and teddy bear emojis dance around you. Oh, and don’t forget to clean out your tool shed. How you can find anything in there I have no idea.
CHEERS to the day Hitler shit his pants. The 81st anniversary of D-Day—the largest amphibious landing in history—was today, and we are reminded that last year President Biden delivered a moving tribute to the rapidly-dwindling number of veterans who waded ashore on that horrific yet awe-inspiring day. (Hard to believe that the youngest of those troops who went all Saving Private Ryan on Germany's ass are now 99.) Contained in his message: a big ol' swipe at Donald Trump's boyfriend Vladimir:
“Here we proved that the ideas of democracy are stronger than any army or combination of armies in the entire world,” he says. “We proved something else as well: the unbreakable unity of the allies.”
President Biden made America proud on D-Day 2024.
He goes on to praise NATO’s strength and unity, drawing an implicit contrast with his Republican rival, Donald Trump, who aides say considered withdrawing from NATO. Biden also works in a mention of Ukraine’s war with Russia.
“The struggle between dictatorship and freedom is unending. Here in Europe we see one stark example. Ukraine has been invaded by a tyrant bent on domination,” he says. “We cannot let what happened here be lost in the silence of the years to come. We must remember it, honor it and live it.”
“Democracy is never guaranteed,” he adds.
Trump would've flown over to mark the anniversary today, but he heard there was a 1 percent chance of rain.
CHEERS to great moments in dust busting. Ives McGaffey of Chicago patented the first mechanical ("whirlwind") vacuum cleaner on this date in 1869. It was a crude device—the butler sucked on a hose.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to changing the nameplate above the front door. On Sunday's date in 1775, "United States" was chosen to replace "United Colonies" as our country’s official name (beating out "Bubbaland" by one vote). But the colonies themselves were far from forgotten—the 13 stripes representing them on our flag take up the vast majority of space, with the states relegated to a modest blue box. By the way, if you need some parchment at bargain basement prices, there's still five thousand boxes of "United Colonies" stationery in the Independence Hall supply closet. Thanks for the advance notice, management. :-(
CHEERS to home vegetation. Look, you should be old enough by now to figure out what's on your various screens this weekend. But, dang it, you're just so adorable I'll do for you again. Nothing much of note tonight, but the MSNBC hosts will be worth a look as they digest the day’s nuttiness. At 8 ABC airs a Charles Blow-hosted special called Late to the Party, featuring LGBTQ Americans “who came out in the later stages of their lives.” And for all the latest sensational murder business, there’s Dateline and 20/20, now shells of their original selves.
Belmont Stakes tomorrow. All my money is on Fluffy here.
The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Wes Anderson’s The Phoenician Scheme opens today with the usual all-star cast.) The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup schedule is here, the WNBA schedule is here, and the NBA finals schedule is here. Or you can catch the 157th Belmont Stakes tomorrow. Over three hours of coverage for the three-minute race starts at 4 on Fox.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: encores of reports on psychedelic drugs as a treatment for PTSD, and their interview with George Clooney, who is nominated for a Tony in his production of Good Night, and Good Luck (A special live performance airs tomorrow night at 7 on CNN), which we’ll talk more about right after this period.
Sunday night at 8 ET (CBS) the Tony Awards will be handed out for excellence in over-emoting while reading memorized lines aloud—or as politicians call it, a day ending in y. (Full list of nominees is here.) And the weekend wraps with a fresh episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. And then it’s off to bed with you, buster. Busy week ahead.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senators Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Jim Lankford (Fascist-OK); Actor-breast cancer survivor Olivia Nunn.
The Trump-Musk bro brawl will be topic #1.
This Week: Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelenskyy; Louse of the House Mike Johnson (Fascist-LA).
Face the Nation: Director of Destroying the National Economic Council Kevin Hassett.
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus Senators Markwayne Waynemark (Fascist-OK) and Comrade Ron Johnson (Fascist-Russia).
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senator/Medicare Fraudster Rick Scott (Fascist-FL); Rep. Michael McCaul (Fascist-TX); Destroyer of the Office of Management and Budget Russ Vought.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 6, 2015
JEERS to derpa derp: grifter-for-god edition. Fundamentalist performance artist Pat Robertson said to his followers during a taping of his TV show yesterday that pornographic movies cause demonic possession. Then he leaned over to his producer and said, "You can replace my cloven hooves with hands in post-production, right?"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to self-critics from the great beyond. These words of Theodore Roosevelt’s are often trotted out by us crazy lefties, and for good reason. The dude currently occupying the office is a narcissistic crybaby criminal sexual predator who ma
CHEERS to self-critics from the great beyond. These words of Theodore Roosevelt’s were trotted out a lot by the left during the first Trump administration, and for good reason. The weirdo is a narcissistic crybaby who makes it dictatoriously-clear he will brook no criticism. Regardless of which party’s dude or dudette leads the nation, Roosevelt’s 107-year-old words apply equally. As a public service, C&J publishes our annual reminder...
The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants.
True fact: Roosevelt once took a bullet to the chest and only sought medical treatment after he’d finished delivering his scheduled campaign speech.
He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile.
To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.
Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else.
—Theodore Roosevelt
And so we shall.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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