Scene: A Courtroom in the US of A:
Defense: Your honor, the defense calls the alleged mugging victim to the stand.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Witness: I do.
Defense: Mr. Gurl, do you like stick-up men?
Witness: Do I what?
Defense: Do. You. Like. Stick-up men?
Witness: I can’t - I don’t understand the question...
Defense: Yes or no, Mr. Gurl. You either like them or you don’t like them.
Witness: Then I guess, no. I can’t say that I like stick-up men.
Defense: So you admit you’re prejudiced against stick up men?
Witness: Not prejudiced. I just don’t like what they do.
Defense: I see. What they do. They meaning stick-up men. Is it fair to say you hate stick-up men?
Witness: No. Like I said. I just don’t like what they do.
Defense: Let the record show that the defendant – oops, I mean, the witness – is hostile to stick-up men.
Witness: Wait, that’s not -
Defense: I ask the questions here. Not you. I’m in control. I’m the defense lawyer. Is that okay with you? Or are you ‘against’ the justice system too?
Witness: I’m…The guy mugged me. That’s why I’m here. I don’t understand this.
Defense: Oh, it’s that simple, is it? Let me ask you a question, Mr. Gurl. Do you ever give money to panhandlers on the street?
Witness: Do I…?
Defense: Stop ducking the question. Do. You. Give. Money. To panhandlers on the street?
Witness: Well, sometimes, yeah.
Defense: I see. So you regularly flaunt your money in public, yes?
Witness: No. I see someone asking for money and sometimes they look like they’re in trouble so I give a little money.
Defense: So, you just admitted you’re on the street flaunting your money.
Witness: No. That’s not what – your Honor?
Judge: Don’t look at me.
Defense: Do you take the money out of your pocket or wallet when you ‘give’ the money to these panhandlers in the street?
Witness: Of course I take the money out.
Defense: Of course. You admit you take the money out. Then I think it’s fair to assume that you enjoy taking your money out. You take your money out and parade it in others’ faces, just daring someone to take it? Isn’t that it?
Witness: No, that is not it. But even if I -
Defense: You admit you give money freely to these panhandlers?
Witness: Yeah, I guess it’s my choice.
Defense: Then wasn’t it also your choice to taunt an innocent stick-up man with your money? Isn’t that correct?
Witness: No, that’s not corrrect.
Defense: Why are you being so defensive, Mr. Gurl? I’m only stating the fact that you freely throw your money to every Tom, Dick and Harry Panhandler yet you want us to believe that the stick-up man was the aggressor who supposedly “stole” the money you regularly and wantonly flash?
Witness: What you’re saying is absurd.
Defense: Oh you think the justice system is absurd, Mr. Gurl? I see. You have no regard for the truth do you? You’re a flaunter of money, a cash-teaser. When you see a chance to get famous by making a false accusation against the poor stick-up man, you take it. And when you’re caught lying, you claim the whole system is absurd.
Witness: (standing suddenly) This is ridiculous! It’s on videotape that he mugged me!
Defense: Witch hunt! Fake news! You have no shame! Sit the hell back down!
Witness: Hey! You can’t talk to me like th -
Defense: Your Honor, I request the bailiff subdue this witness for speaking out of turn in court. They are making a mockery of the justice system.
Judge: Bailiff, escort this witness to their seat. Shame on you for mocking this court.
Defense: Your honor, I think we’ve all heard enough. I ask that you dismiss this case and that the DA file charges against the witness for defaming an innocent stick-up man. What is the world coming to when cheap floozies like the witness can taunt stick-up men and bring false charges against them for doing what any normal person would do in this case: grab that dangling money as their own. Who do these witnesses think they are?
Judge: Sounds good to me. This kind of travesty happens all the time against stick-up men. This case is dismissed. Dear exonerated defendant, you go live your life to its highest potential which is high indeed as you are a man. And you, Mr. Gurl, you are in deeeeep trouble now.
Witness: What the f*ckity f*ck!?
Judge: Insubordination?!
Defense: What?! What?!
Judge: Off with their head!
Bailiff: You actually can’t do that, sir.
Judge: All right then, you slutty witness you: don’t ever darken my courtroom door again!
Defense: You know what you have coming if you do.
Later that evening:
Newsie: Extrey, extrey, read all about it! Angry Mob Runs Witness Outta Town! Who Do These Witnesses Think They Are!
