Late Night Snark: Jimmy Kimmel September Moments
They can take away his show, but they can't take away my archives…
"I agree. You're not a psychology professor. You are a dull-witted human canker sore who shoots baby hippos out of daddy's helicopter because it’s the only way you can get an erection. Do us a favor—put the twitter aside and go rub a tub of Axe Extreme Hold hair gel on your empty head, you chinless son of a circus peanut. Can there be a dumber thing to be than Donald Trump Junior?"
—2018 (Responding to a Trump, Jr. tweet attacking Brett Kavanaugh accuser Dr. Christine Blasey Ford for starting an answer during a Senate hearing with "I'm no psychology professor, but…")
"Here's the thing about Donald Trump. He cannot help himself. He's been doing business like this forever. He's a sneaky, ham-handed racketeer who cheats in every situation in his life. Shaking people down is what he does. He doesn’t know how to do anything else. He thinks he's Tony Soprano, and in a lot of ways he is like Tony Soprano: they're both overweight mouth-breathers who are disappointed with their sons."
—2019
"Donald Trump invited the Taliban to Camp David three days before 9/11. Next month he's taking al Qaeda to Six Flags."
—2019
"There's increasing concern that even if he loses, Trump will refuse to leave the White House. But here's the thing. It's simple—if the American people want to guarantee that Donald Trump will leave us, there's a very easy thing we can do: marry him."
—2020
"Many people are still resisting the covid vaccine in favor of the paste they use to de-worm horses, so much so that horse owners are having trouble finding it. One feed store in Las Vegas had to post this sign: 'Ivermectin will only be sold to horse owners—must show pic of you and your horse.' Can you imagine? You won't go to Walgreen's to get a free vaccine, but you'll spend four hours photoshopping your body onto a Clydesdale.”
—2021
"The Brooklyn Public library has a great program called Books Unbanned that provides online access to banned books to anyone between the ages of 13 and 21, including young people in other states where they're banning kids from reading these great books because their parents are stupid—they're banning anything that isn’t a Cheesecake Factory menu in some of these states. But this is why I love Brooklyn: even the librarians here are giving the middle finger to these people."
—2022 (while airing his show from his hometown)
[...]
—2023 (While Jimmy Kimmel Live was on hiatus for the writers’ strike in September of ‘23, he raised money to help striking WGA union members in the entertainment industry.)
"A hundred and eleven former Republican national security officials and members of Congress published a letter today endorsing Kamala Harris for president. They say Donald Trump is unfit to serve as president. We've never seen anything like this from a candidate's own party—the list of people who signed it is ten pages long. But don’t worry, Don. You may not have every Republican, but you're still endorsed by Rudy Giuliani, Sean Hannity, Eric, Don Jr., Kid Rock, Hulk Hogan, Gargamel, Chachi, the Babadook, Bill Cosby, and herpes."
—2024
"[The Epstein files are] a big problem for Trump, because the push for releasing the names isn’t just coming from the left. This is a bipartisan effort—hardcore conspiracy theorists have joined arms with Democrats to push for a vote on this. Here's where we stand: the majority of Republicans, including human ottoman Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House, do not want to release the files. They say it would be 'dangerously irresponsible' to do that. The people who are trying to eliminate the measles vaccine believe it would be dangerously irresponsible to release these files."
—2025
Give him his goddamn show back, you f*cking thin-skinned fascist mouth-breathers.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 19, 2025
Note: No C&J Monday. Back Tuesday. And then...the beginning of the preliminary prelude to the eventual unfolding of the first-draft outline of the imaginings of my secret plan will start coming into focus by no later than 2027. Bwoo-ha-ha. Bwoo-ha-ha. —Mgr.
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7 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of autumn: 3
Days 'til the Arroyo Grande Harvest Festival in California: 7
Number of the more than 50 people facing federal charges in D.C., since the fascists' "emergency" law-and-order surge began last month whose charges have been dropped: 11
Year-over-year drop in Japanese exports to the U.S. in August, its 5th straight month of decline due to Mad King TACO's tariffs: 13.8%
Lifecycle of a plastic straw: 200 years
Lifecycle of a plastic toothbrush: 500 years
Percent of Maine covered by forest land, the highest of any state: 88%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Any ramp builders in the house?
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CHEERS to genuflecting before our new One True God. Let us kneel, bow our heads, and recite the HOLY WORDS of the Replacer-of-Jesus in our promised land (Motto: USA! USA! Truck Nuts 4EvR!), as now mandated by the federal government. This is call-and-response so please turn to page 435 in your New MAGA Bible:
Call: If I’m dealing with somebody in customer service who’s a moronic Black woman, I wonder is she there because of her excellence, or is she there because of affirmative action?
Response: Charlie, hear our prayer.
Call: Reject feminism. Submit to your husband. You’re not in charge.
Response: Charlie, hear our prayer.
Call: We need to have a Nuremberg-style trial for every gender-affirming clinic doctor. We need it immediately.
Response: Charlie, hear our prayer.
Call: The great replacement strategy, which is well under way every single day in our southern border, is a strategy to replace white rural America with something different.
Response: Charlie, save us from the barbarians at the border.
Call: In Charlie's name we shall hunt down anyone who believes otherwise or besmirches his holy words that most of us only found out about a few days ago.
Response: Amen.
Now please join us in basement for meth, pork rinds, games of Pin the Cancellation on the Late Night Host and an exclusive look at the plans for Disney's new government-mandated It’s A Straight White Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World theme park.
CHEERS to today's Super Awesome Merger Mania Update. We keep track of these things so you don’t have to:
Paramount and ABC merged with Nexstar, which merged with GE, which merged with Spectrum, which merged with Nestle, which merged with Northrop Grumman, which merged with Meta, which merged with Microsoft, which merged with Kraft, which merged with Wells Fargo, which merged with Schnitzel Boy LLC, which merged with Spaghetti-Os, which merged with with RFK Jr.s brain worm, which merged with anything that hadn’t yet been merged but they all fell over and died because (of course) it's RFK Jr., and now the only business left in America is the United States Navy which we can attest has a lovely and extensive gift shop in Annapolis.
As a result of the above, Monday morning you'll report to your new job as an oarsman on the newly-commissioned trireme Jefferson Davis. And when you're going after those Venezuelan pleasure boats at ramming speed, we expect you to put your backs into it.
JEERS to those batty Brits. 264 years ago this week, in 1761, George III was crowned King of England. His ascension seems to mirror a certain one here on our side of the pond:
"It was a sad day for the British Empire when King George became its political master.
King George III was the only British monarch before Elizabeth II who could fart the alphabet. Rumor has it Charles III can only make it up to “L.”
He was a man of narrow intellect, and lacked every element of the greatness of statesmanship.
'He had a smaller mind,' says the British historian, [Peter] Green, 'than any English king before him save James II.' He showered favors on his obsequious followers, while men of independent character whom he could not bend to his will became the objects of his hatred."
—From History of the United States of America, Volume II by Henry William Elson
Sounds like a certain New York City-born jackass with a narcissism fetish who twice hoisted his bloated carcass on our own throne. Anyway, thanks for the colonies, G-3. But, as always, you can keep the kidney pudding. And the haggis. And Russell Brand. (Please.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to deep-sixing #20. Trump should consider himself a lucky little MF’er. On September 19, 1881, President James Garfield died, 80 days after some disgruntled jerk whipped out a couple guns and shot him in the back. One bullet grazed his arm, the other hit his backbone but not the spinal cord or any internal organs. Had the radical notion of sterile hands and instruments (already embraced for 30 years by much of Europe) been in use at the time, and had they not basically starved him, the president would’ve lived. True story: Alexander Graham Bell tried to locate the bullet using his new invention, the metal detector...
As the doctors struggled to understand the extent of Garfield's wounds, Bell, inventor of the telephone, used this machine to try to locate the bullet. When found, the machine was to send a sound to the attached telephone receiver.
“Hello, operator? Please connect me to the president’s bullet. No, I haven’t been drinking. And I also need Amanda Hugginkiss.”
Despite attempts on July 26 and August 1, 1881, Bell could not situate the bullet.
Turns out the steel springs in Garfield's bed likely rendered it useless. Someday we'll be able to joke about it. But not today—after only 144 years, it’s just too soon.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the stuff that may or may not be flickering on your teevee screen this weekend. Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew are required viewing, but not before watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! for the former’s blood pressure-lowering clackity-clacks and the latter’s...what’s the word?...facts. At 8 the final ten acts perform for the last time before a champ is chosen on America’s Got Talent. (My money’s riding on the ballerina calicos who juggle chainsaws while meowing Pagliacci.) Or you can catch Firing Line at 8:30 (PBS) as professor and right-wing extremism expert Cynthia Miller-Idriss talks about the MAGA movement in the wake of the Kirk assassination.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The Major League Baseball schedule is here and the pro concussionball schedule is here. There’s an all-star Grammy Salute to Earth, Wind & Fire Live Sunday night at 8 on CBS. And that’s about it—everything else on TV this weekend is either college football pre-game shows, college football games, or college football post-game shows. Rah rah rah! Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight!!!
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Governor Josh Shapiro (D-PA); Senator Rand Paul (Fascist-KY); author Mel Robbins.
Also: cocktail weenies reveal the inside scoop on the hottest D.C. parties.
This Week: Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT); Robert Wood Johnson Foundation CEO Richard Besser; SiriusXM host Stephen A. Smith.
Face the Nation: French President Emmanuel Macron.
CNN's State of the Union: Senators Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Markwayne Mullin (Fascist-OK) and John Fetterman (D’ish-PA); Rep Jasmine Crockett (D-TX);
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senators Roger Marshall (Fascist-KS) and Tim Kaine (D-VA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 19, 2015
JEERS to messing with the wrong kid. Texas Police cuffed and hauled a 13-year-old brown-skinned American kid with the scary name "Ahmed" off to jail because he used his brains and basic science to create a cool homemade clock for a school project. The backlash was swift. The hashtag #StandWithAhmed trended all day long, and President Obama invited him to the White House for a root beer summit. But not everyone was on Ahmed's side: last night Bill O'Reilly branded #ClockLivesMatter a hate group, and Rick Perry stepped onto his front lawn to announce that a stopped clock-bomb is right once a day. Moments later, his wife came running out with his bathrobe screaming things at him that can't be repeated here. So, all in all, it was another day in Texas ending in y.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to America's favorite literary boogeyman. 78 skulls go on the birthday cake Sunday of most-famous-Mainer Stephen King, born September 21, 1947 in Portland. King is an unabashed Democrat (actively yet Quixotically trying to dislodge Senator Susan Collins from her perch every six years) who isn't afraid to speak his mind, which he occasionally does by blowing up Blue Sky:
» ICE looking more and more like the American Gestapo.
» Tucker Carlson is your basic white, well-fed, complacent and entitled fuckdoodle.
» Trump and his greedhead cronies may get a big surprise in spite of their efforts to rig the 2026 election. They could find themselves swamped by a blue wave. Americans are wising up to the fact that Trump is turning the American dream into a nightmare.
Happy birthday, Steve. And regards to Mr. Jingles.
» 76 trombones led the big parade? 110 cornets right behind? Are you kidding? If they all played at once, the decibels would blow your eardrums right out of your asshole.
» Free speech? Really? It cost Jimmy Kimmel his job.
» Trump's latest shitshow is to detract from inflation and his ruinous tariffs. As Hitler and Stalin knew, in times of trouble, find a bogeyman.
» What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear.
» As Heather Cox Richardson writes, The Epstein story is about more than the sex trafficking of girls. It's also about rich and privileged people evading accountability for breaking the law." People like Donald Trump, in other words.
» If men could have babies, abortion would be a sacrament.
» Good writing is a delight to those who read it and a mystery to those who write it.
Tonight’s special in the C&J watering hole, as always: half-off Redrum and Cokes.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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