Almanac
Today is Wednesday, September 24, 2025. There are 98 days left in the year.
Rosh Hashanah ends this evening.
The whereabouts of “Gestapo Tom” Homan’s alleged $50,000 bribe remains a mystery.
The Epstein files remain on Barbie Doll General Pam Bondi’s desk, unreleased.
FBI director Kash Patel is still in the field looking for Charlie Kirk’s assassin using his Pokemon Go app.
Secretary of “Pew Pew Pew!” Pete Hegseth is on a Signal chat discussing secret plans with CENTCOM and anyone else who figured out that his secret log-in code is LOGIN1234.
Also: Roosters on American farms now start their day with a hearty, “Cock-a-doodle Help We Need A Bailout!”
HHS Secretary RFK Jr. is taking his morning yak spit shower.
Elon Musk’s children “Doorknob,” “Hubcap” and “Rugby Ball III” have issued a joint statement disowning him, leaving only two kids (“Muskelon” and “^%%$%##@23”) who are still speaking to him.
Today the Mortgage Bankers Association will release its monthly mortgage purchase applications index and the Census Bureau will release its new-home sales figures.
Birthdays include Jim Henson, Phil Hartman, “Mean” Joe Greene, and our first chief justice John Marshall.
There are currently 13 humans in space.
Tylenol remains safe for pregnant women.
Jimmy Kimmel is back on TV.
Escalators are conspiring with Antifa.
President Trump’s corporeal form continues turning to ash.
Enjoy your day.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 24, 2025
Note: You apostrophe d be correct if you guessed that it apostrophe s National Punctuation Day period And you know what question mark I think it apostrophe s great ampersand noble that it apostrophe s got its own day period As I always say comma quotation marks A day without punctuation is like a day without sunshine exclamation point quotation marks Can I get an Amen question mark
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6 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til International Coffee Day: 7
Days 'til GreekFest 25 in Westfield, New Jersey: 6
Trump approval rating in March and now, respectively, according to American Research Group polling: 45%, 37%
Trump's approval on his tariffs and the economy in general, respectively, among adults polled by Ipsos-The Washington Post: 38%, 40%
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who want strict rules for AI safety and data security, even if it means developing AI capabilities more slowly: 80%
Number of Joseph Goebbels' speeches from which Stephen Miller cribbed for his speech at Sunday's Charlie Kirk memorial political rally: 2
Estimated number of Americans who live full-time in an RV, boat, or van in 2023, up 41% from 2019: 342,000
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 4 floods and 1 flight that serves old nuts). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A word or two about cats…
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CHEERS to representing America on the world stage. President-for-life Donald Trump gave his annual address to the United Nations yesterday. The general assembly chamber was packed to the gills, what with attendance by all the world leaders being mandatory and all. He said a little of this and a little of that, but the passage that touched my heart most, as required by the executive order he signed moments earlier, was this:
"Kriege! Kriege! Kriege! Derimmelhofens gevegung ist von der schweinhund in alle schnievben schneibenverhimmelsmachen!!! Ich habe alle der golf tournaments gewonnen!!! Wir sind uber alles der beste in die Welt und nieman werde ein Fragen gefragt oder Ich will sich zu der schlumpen-wumpen gefangnis verschlagen!!! Tylenol ist Beelzebub!!! Auch: meine hande sind NICHT GRAU!!!"
For a full translation of the above, visit Stephen Miller in his dreams.
JEERS to grinding it out in Congress. If you're asking me what the state of the budget of the United States of America—the most powerful, efficient, and got-it-together nation on Earth—is in Congress under the leadership of mighty, mighty fascists Mike Johnson and John Thune, here's the clearest, most concise answer I could find:
I'm glad you asked! But I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you're not.
CHEERS to the Environment President. On September 24, 1906, Theodore Roosevelt signed a bill designating Devils Tower—that kewl rock formation in Wyoming made famous in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and by Foresterbob and Narvik—as the country's first National Monument. Some people call it America's national nipple:
Fair warning: don't tickle it or you’ll start an earthquake.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to close calls. Seventy years ago today, in 1955, stocks dropped like a rock…the fastest rate since 1929. The numbers sound positively quaint today:
The Dow Jones dropped 6.5%, 32 points, to 455, with a total paper loss of $14 billion, the largest ever.
Reason: Eisenhower's heart attack. Stocks quickly recovered, though, when the country realized he was still the president. Or, to be perfectly accurate, when the country realized that Richard Nixon wasn't.
CHEERS to Year 5786. Happy New Year again! Rosh Hashanah started at sundown Monday and ends tonight. C&J wishes all of our Jewish readers a hearty "Shana Tova!" minus the Times Square ball drop:
The only similarity between the Jewish New Year and the secular one is:
Many people use the New Year as a time to make "resolutions." Likewise, the Jewish New Year is a time to begin looking back at the mistakes of the past year and planning the changes to be made in the new year. …
Rosh Hashana begins a 10 day period, known as Aseret Ymay Tshuva, (Ten Days of Repentance) or Yomim Nora'im (High Holy days). These ten days that end with Yom Kippur, are a time for Tshuva (repentance), Tefilla (prayer) and Tzedaka (charity).
Even though the C&J household is just a run-of-the-mill lapsed-Episcopalian/lapsed-Catholic domicile, we still took a moment to blow a ram's horn outside our neighbor's bedroom window at 3am. We figure, why break with our normal routine just because it's Rosh Hashanah?
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 24, 2015
CHEERS to not blowin' this popsicle stand after all. Yesterday was supposed to be the end of the world, according to everyone from Isaac Newton's interpretation of Daniel 9:25 to French Foreign Affairs Minister Laurent Fabius—and if you can't believe them, well, who can you believe??? In fact, the demise of the blue marble was so imminent that Buzzfeed even published 23 Things To Do Before The World Ends On Sept. 23, 2015. (Sadly, the only one I got to was "rearrange some olives in a dish in case company drops by." Hey, I had packing to do.) By the end of the day I was starting to believe that it was all a hoax, but then I woke up this morning to find that we're indeed living in a new world: Mississippi is finally no longer #1 in obesity. I have only one thing to say to our new overlords who destroyed our universe yesterday and beamed us to this new parallel one: keep your slimy government tentacles off my Obamacare! [9/24/25 Update: Yesterday was also The Rapture, so now we’re all dealing with getting hoovered up into a parallel-parallel universe. I have only one thing to say to our new-new overlords: pass the Dramamine.]
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And just one more…
Portland also has a huge Civil War Monument. It honors the good guys.
CHEERS to "The Way Life Should Be." Thirty-two years ago this week—back in1993—my partner Michael ("Common Sense Mainer" here on Planet Orange) and I arrived in the liberal paradise known as Portland, Maine, having escaped the rust-belt hamlet of Saginaw, Michigan (motto: "No Smiling: It Scares The Children"). We had no jobs, only a smidgeon of savings, and an apartment that gave us barely any heat but did give us a January heating bill of $318.
Thirty-two years later we're still here and we still have nothing but kind words for our home. Portland is constantly making “Best of” lists for awesomeness: most livable city, best place to retire, great place for dogs, the arts, food, working, playing, drinking, vacationing and yadda yadda yadda. And this year we’re joining the handful of other cities that ditched Columbus Day observances in favor of Indigenous Peoples Day. It’s also nice that we live in a state with a competent Democratic governor and a competent Democratic-led legislature.
So, yeah—we love our little corner of the world, and we hope you feel the same way about yours. Coming up tonight: our annual good luck tradition of releasing our genetically-engineered Maine lobster into the wild. She’s 60 feet tall and weighs five tons. We call her Fluffy. The mayor calls her “code red!!!”
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”I don't think I'll ever be as fit as Bill in Portland Maine—but I'm gonna try,”
—James Corden
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