In the latest installment of “Immigration and Customs Enforcement thugs are big babies,” Oregon Public Radio obtained some incredibly distressing audio of an armed ICE agent—safely ensconced in an unmarked vehicle—who called 911 in October 2025 because he was being followed by a kid on an e-bike.
Yes, really.
But the problem here isn’t just that ICE agent Israel D. Hernandez was apparently so freaked out by a child biking near his car that he felt it warranted an emergency police response.
Armed immigration agents stand outside of a convenience store in Minneapolis on Jan. 21.
The real problem is that Hernandez told the 911 operator, “I need someone here now, or else I’m going to have to shoot this kid.”
Hernandez even pulled his service weapon out of the central console so he could be locked and loaded to protect himself from the child.
Dude, you know you could have just, like, sped up, right? You’re in a car, the kid is on a bike.
But according to Hernandez, the kid came up to his window and perhaps even broke one of the vehicle’s mirrors, so he told the dispatcher, “I’m going to have to act on this kid right now.”
You’d think the type of steroid goblins who join ICE would be embarrassed to call local law enforcement to beg for backup against unarmed people when they get a little scared, but you’d be wrong.
Last fall in Chicago, ICE whined like crazy that the city’s police were not providing adequate backup after their vehicles were terrifyingly stalked and rammed. But that claim dissolved quickly when the Chicago Police Department superintendent noted that, not only had officers responded, but 27 of them were hit by ICE’s chemical munitions used against protesters.
Whoops.
This was the incident where Customs and Border Patrol agents said that they were “ambushed” and rammed by vehicles, forcing them to shoot Marimar Martinez five times, after which Martinez was charged with a crime. But that case fell apart after the agent who shot her bragged about it in texts, and bodycam footage showed that CBP deliberately rammed her car.
Related | Federal agents keep deploying tear gas near kids. We have no idea what it does to their health.
But ICE thugs love to call the cops, insisting they’re under the most terrifying attacks.
In December, they begged Minneapolis police and the Hennepin County Sheriff’s Office to help them, claiming that “we only have a few officers but we have 60 to 70 agitators fighting them.”
Sounds serious!
Except what really happened was that people stood around yelling at ICE and throwing some snowballs while the agents violently detained a woman, dragging her on the icy ground on her stomach. Local law enforcement dutifully arrived, only to say that there were no “life-safety conditions” requiring a response and took off after 10 minutes.
Hundreds of New Yorkers participate in a snowball fight on Feb. 23. Unfortunately, it was just too scary for city police.
To be fair, it turns out that regular cops are terrified of snowballs too.
During the massive snowstorm in New York City earlier this week, some police officers got hit by snowballs in the midst of a snowball fight. As the Washington Post breathlessly described it, “residents began pelting city police officers with chunks of snow and ice.”
In other words, the literal definition of a snowball fight.
But wait! The officers were forced “to retreat in search of shelter.”
Shelter from … snowballs?
Now, we’ve got New York cops saying ridiculous things like getting hit with some snowballs was a “deliberate, outrageous, and dangerous attack on uniformed police officers.”
All of this is just embarrassing. Armed to the teeth, wrapped in the full protections of the state, yet still so scared of bikes and snowballs. What a pathetic way to live.
