Late Night Snark: Darkest Winter Edition
"While Omicron appears to have peaked here in New York City, some countries are just getting started, like in Beijing, where they locked down an office building with workers still inside after a single Omicron case was detected. Hey, anti-vaxxers complaining about the CDC's “communist” policies: why don’t you try protesting at the Beijing Olive Garden? Let me know how that goes."
"The House committee investigating the Capitol attack issued a subpoena to Rudy Giuliani. Though, really, all you have to do to make Rudy appear is draw a pentagram on the floor with Maalox."
You are now below the fold, where the antelope play and the points are doubled.
"Republicans are being criticized for blocking the voting rights bill. But, of course, Republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair they'd lose. It's the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet: because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Minority leader Mitch McConnell criticized Biden's speech on voting rights, calling it 'beneath his office.' Coincidentally, 'beneath his office' is where McConnell buries the homeless men he hunts for sport."
—Michael Che, SNL
"The Supreme Court rejected Trump's attempt to keep records relating to the events leading up to the insurrection secret, which clears the way for the committee to go through more than 700 documents they haven't seen. Hopefully something will come of it. I tell ya what: we have covid, we have flu…the only disease we haven't caught yet is Donald Trump."
A hacker has taken control of 25 Teslas, which explains why right now I’m driving through Bucktail, Nebraska.
—Conan O'Brien via Twitter
And one year ago…
"For the first time in our 244 history, the United States has a female vice president. It's a moment that future generations will look back on and say, 'Wow, that took a long time.' Not only is Kamala Harris our first female vice president, she's also our first black vice president, our first South Asian-American vice president, and the first vice president in four years who doesn't think yogurt is too spicy."
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 21, 2022
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday because the Marauding Grannies are robbing banks that day and I'm their ride. Back Tuesday. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Australia Day: 5
Percent chance that Treasury Secretary and former Fed Chair Janet Yellen said Biden’s $1.9 trillion American Rescue Plan “acted like a vaccine for the American economy, protecting our recovery from the possibility of new variants”: 100%
Minimum backlog of positive Covid-19 tests in Maine, whose sterling record on fighting the pandemic has been destroyed by unvaccinated fuckwads: 46,000
Number of people who could be lifted out of poverty with a small wealth tax on billionaires, according to a study by the Fight Inequality Alliance, the Institute for Policy Studies, Oxfam and Patriotic Millionaires: 2.3 billion
Estimated start date of construction on the second large offshore wind energy project (off the coast of Rhode Island) to gain approval in the United States: 2/1/22
Number of homes President Biden wants powered by offshore wind farms by 2030: 10 million
Percent of lost TV remotes that end up having been accidentally left in the fridge or freezer: 4%
Puppy Pic of the Day: Eh, better make it two…
CHEERS to falling down. David Leonhardt of The New York Times brought us some good news this week on the Covid-19 front, via his daily "The Morning" email:
The latest Omicron developments continue to be encouraging. New Covid-19 cases are plummeting in a growing list of places. The percentage of cases causing severe illness is much lower than it was with the Delta variant. And vaccines—particularly after a booster shot—remain extremely effective in preventing hospitalization and death. […]
If anything, the official Covid numbers probably understate the actual declines, because test results are often a few days behind reality.
The U.S. seems to be following a similar Omicron pattern as South Africa, Britain and several other countries: A rapid, enormous surge for about a month, followed by a rapid decline—first in cases, then hospitalizations and finally deaths.
Hooray. We finally reached the critical beginning of the end of the middle of the end of the beginning of the middle of the beginning of the end. Welcome to halftime, bring on Janet Jackson.
JEERS to building back better in itty bitty bits. Now that the voting-rights legacy of John Lewis has been set upon by the rabid Republican dogs and clubbed into oblivion by wooden bats wielded by Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin, it's time for the Senate to move on to their next important task: carving up Joe Biden's Build Back Better bill into smaller pieces and seeing if they can get those passed under reconciliation rules:
President Joe Biden sounded a confident note Wednesday at a press conference that Democrats could pass something related to the Build Back Better agenda before the midterm elections.
“It’s clear to me we’re going to have to break it up,” Biden said. "I think we can break the package up, get as much as we can now and get back and fight for the rest later.”
They'll have to be careful that they don’t run afoul of Manchin or Kyrsten Sinema, so they'll start out simple. As of now the items in BBB Package #1 are limited to a free jean-vest tax credit and creation of a government website called SuckItLibtards.gov where households can request up to four giant foam fingers that read: "Coal is #1." But only, of course, if the cost can be offset by taking nice things away from poor people.
JEERS to John Q. Corporation: Super Citizen!!! Twelve years ago today, five conservative activist judges on the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on our system of government: it's for sale to the highest bidder. Citizens United is now a four-letter two-words to anyone who values clean and fair campaign financing. But we now know that there's a rather sizable silver lining in the wake of that decision. Those idiot Justices, who agreed that "corporations are people," pissed off so many people that the billionaires and their Super PAC lapdogs got run over by a grassroots stampede in 2012 and subsequent elections. Money is still huge and often decisive, hence the need to do something to curb the tidal wave of cash. But it's not a bell that automatically makes us drool over a candidate when the remaining Koch brother rings it. Unless, I concede, the candidate's name is Bucket O. Ribs.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to today's edition of Where the Fuck Have You Been For the Last Twenty Years?!! Courtesy of President Joe Biden's Wednesday press conference:
President Joe Biden admitted Wednesday he did not anticipate “stalwart” Republican opposition to his presidency, after repeatedly claiming during his presidential bid the GOP would have an “epiphany” during his tenure in office.
“I did not anticipate that there would be such a stalwart effort to make sure that the most important thing was that President Biden didn’t get anything done.”
This has been today's edition of Where the Fuck Have You Been For the Last Twenty Years?!!
CHEERS to the suds of our lives. Eighty-seven years ago this week, canned beer made its debut in Richmond, Virginia:
In partnership with the American Ctwoan Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger's Finest Beer and Krueger's Cream Ale to faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia.
Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.
Which reminds me: what's Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh's favorite book in the whole world? Ayn Rand’s Atlas Chugged.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Very disappointed that our weekly roundup of what’s on the weekend TV schedule failed to win a single SAG Award nomination. But we muddle on anyway, bruised ego and all.
After MSNBC’s Chris Hayes and Mehdi Hasan (in for Rachel Maddow) finish taking their salad-tossing tongs to the Friday news dumps, Bill Maher’s Real Time returns to HBO with Rep. Ritchie Torres (D-NY), Yale history professor Timothy Snyder, and whoever Bari Weiss is. There’s also a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW, same time as the CEO of The Vitamin Shoppe goes incognito on Undercover Boss (CBS).
The new movies and home videos are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL divisional round schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here (assuming they’re not canceled by Omicron). Saturday night Will Forte goes back home to his old stomping grounds to host SNL.
No 60 Minutes this week because of the Buffalo vs. Kansas City game. A ruthless debt collector arrives in Springfield on The Simpsons. And our night ends at 10 when HBO airs a new episode of scamvangelist comedy The Righteous Gemstones. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Bernie! Plus: Rep. Elissa Slotkin (D-MI) and Secretary of State Antony Blinken.
This Week: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Joni Ernst (Cult-IA); Doc Fauci.
Face the Nation: Jan. 6 Committee co-chair Rep. Bennie Thompson; Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Rep. Michael McCaul (Cult-TX); former FDA guy Scott Gottlieb.
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie! Plus Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Sen. Joni Ernst (Cult-IA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Ten years ago in C&J: January 21, 2012
CHEERS to a healthy drop. Here's something that got lost amid all the GOP campaign hullabaloo. One of my Thursday rituals is to check in with Atrios at the Eschaton blog and get his take on the number of "lucky duckies" filing for unemployment claims. Week after week after week, for years on end, his verdicts have run the gamut from "Terrible" to "Awful" to "Horrible." Occasionally he throws us a bone with something like, "slightly less terrible." So it was a good day yesterday when he saw the number (352k) and crowed, "That's actually good news." Or, as Republicans would say: "That's actually bad news." [1/21/22 Update: This week's number, in the throes of a pandemic and in the wake of the Trump Recession: 286K, down from Trump's 904K a year ago. Good news.]
And just one more…
CHEERS to feud food. Sunday is the high holy day here at Daily Kos. Yes…it's National Pie Day. Since we may not be gathered like this in two days, let us enter the arena now and get it on:
“Caucuses!” [Splot!] “Primaries!” [Splot!]
"Love the Daily Kos Load More Comments feature!" [Splot!] "Hate the Daily Kos Load More Comments feature!" [Splot!]
"Ideological purity!" [Splot!] "Practical centrism!" [Splot!]
"We must reach out to white working Americans!" [Splot!] "White working Americans must reach out to us!" [Splot!]
"Your polls are weighted wrong!” [Splot!] “The only error in your polls is...your polls!” [Splot!]
"Ginger!" [Splot!] "Mary Ann!" [Splot!]
"Nuke the filibuster!" [Splot!] "Keep the filibuster!" [Splot!]
"Kyrsten Sinema for President!" [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!] [Splot!]
“The Republican party is nuts!” [Brief cease fire as everyone nods in agreement]
"Woozles!" [Splot!] "Pooties!" [Splot!]
"Three point one four one five!" [Splot!] "That's pi, not pie, you idiot!" [Splot!]
[Ding dong!] "Helloooooo! I'm Mike Lindell and I’m here to introduce you to the amazing wonders of these fine MyPillow products!" [Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot!]
Well done. Until next year, my brothers and sisters: pies be with you. (And also with you.)
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?