[Rant]

Do me a favor - and I'm doing this based purely on a hunch that you, the immediate audience member, are possessed of a similar frustration as my own - close your eyes, and just off the top of your head, imagine the top three things, be they abstract or concrete, the top three things that would make you the happiest you could possibly be.  Got it?  I bet you a thousand dollars one of them is your hands around Tucker Bounds neck in a dark alley late at night where no one will miss him.

Jesus Christ John, Who the FUCK is this guy?  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?  This ass-hat parrot is a Spokesman for a CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT?  He has the debate capacity of a Speak N Spell.  And you know what, fuck it, it's not even that.  They can't even commit to what they're doing.  Because if they're going to insult us so brazenly, why are they being so fucking cute about it?  Why don't they just do the functional equivalent of what this prick and his ilk do for your campaign daily, which would be for you to write down the only three answers you're gonna give anyway, filled with all of the bullshit you want to propagandize the public with, to generic questions you want to answer, and then take that piece of paper, walk over to the interview, put that piece of paper down on the table, then grab the nearest cup of coffee, empty it on the nearest intern, slap the anchor in the face, and ask them to "do something."  How you get away with this shit consistently is beyond me.

Back to the point, Is this Really is the BEST person they could find to be out there representing John McCain?  Really?  I'll ask you again, hypothetical person I'm arbitrarily addressing this mid-rant-rhetorical towards, Are you Fucking Serious?  Oh the money I'd pay to piss in that guys coffee.  I'm talking hundreds.  

You know what's even more infuriating; 98% of what he says is bullshit, but its that 2% that drives me up the fucking wall.  The 98% just perpetuates the nonsensical appeal-to-the-masses-with-horse-shit-slant-and-platitudes part of political discussion, no advancement is made in the actual discourse, and no one ever remembers the 2%.  Well guess what, if the 2% is legitimate, then we better fucking deal with it no matter whose side you're on, because facts are facts, and we should work based on evidence, dammit.  

But no, that's not what happens is it?  Tucker acts like a douche-bag, but worse, argues like a retard.  His points are unreasonable, most of them non sequiturs, and they follow no determinable logical system.  As such we rightfully respond by ignoring the diarrhea that his tongue pushes out of his mouth, and we're all the worse off for it, because aside from exposing our functioning psyches to such radioactive-zealotry, if there was a valid point to be made, it wasn't, and any other valid consideration hiding under the shitpile he coughed out is forever tainted as having been associated with that blackhole of douchebaggery, that jester of the intellectually impotent court, that Skip Bayless of Professional Politics, Tucker "I couldn't possibly deserve a swift kick to the balls more" Bounds.  Fuck you, Tucker, Fuck you until you die.

And while I'm at it, what in the Sister Fucking Blue Hell is Pat Buchanan doing on television?  I mean, I don't know why Tucker is in the position he's in, I'm quite sure when he looks in the mirror he himself is stunned his asshattery has gotten him to such a national stage upon which to fail, but his position at least explains why he's on television.  But Pat.....I mean, who was begging for this academic giant's opinion on the issues?  If anyone ever argued that he wasn't racist surely shut the fuck up after he said Powell endorsed Obama based "solely" on race.  Really Pat?  Solely about race?  Can I be the 37 thousandth person to ask you if you're voting for McCain because he's white?  Since you are, your perspective makes more sense, but it still doesn't pass the "not a complete crock of shit" threshold, so nanny-nanny-boo-boo, you fucking racist.

Which leads me to the man in whose name this whole symphony of overly dramatic race-baiting is being belted into the nations collective consciousness.  John Sydney McCain.  Senator....Dude....what the fuck?  Really?  After what happened in 2000 you go and hire the same guys to run the same type of slanted shit so you can win this time around?  Really!?  I used to think you were a monumental badass, I swear to GOD if you were the same person you were 8 years ago I really don't know who I'd vote for right now, I certainly wouldn't be staying up every night until 3 am smoking cigarettes and reading polls until I convince myself Obama will win and YOU WON'T.  Do you have any idea how much you've scared actual conservatives?  And I'm not talking the evolution denying religious social control lemmings, I'm talking actual conservatives, not "christians" spelled differently.  I mean, I'm a little progressive, sure, but the people and places I come from...I really don't even know how to say it...we're not voting for Obama, we're voting against YOU, and some part of you has got to know that.  I'm for small government and I'm voting for a Democrat to get it, how exactly did you turn the universe upside down to pull this one off, Houdini?  I hope this stings, because it should, you power-hungry-douche, you're like Machiavelli's Prince with down syndrome, you're trying to scare people into giving you power, you're just hilariously inept at it.  You've successfully altered your historical image from being a war hero to being the offensive, outlandish, absurd Orwellian despot who never was, God willing.  You couldn't possibly have done more to set back and destroy the legitimate conservative government principals and ideas reasonably held by reasonable people who were looking for a reasonable discussion of the issues.  You are such a douche.  I hate you.

And another thing, if I have to hear this "real America" bullshit one more time, I'm going to start killing kittens, cute ones first, because this shit is infuriating.  Who the fuck told them to start saying this?  When the fuck did they deputize Joe McCarthy into their argument?  How could this ever conceivably be a good idea?  I swear to you, I was listening to POTUS08 the other day and some asshole during a roundtable actually defended the House Committee on Un-American Activities, aka the Red Scare.  The Red Mother Fucking Scare.....  THE THING people point to to reference grievous overreaches by the government into the affairs of individuals, and this guy was defending it.  Stop it with all this horse shit, pretending that a lapel pin and screaming "I support the troops" is the perfect barometer to measure someone's patriotism.  This "revving up the base" kick that your constituents have been on since Newt took over has made me absolutely loopy, I can't even talk to you people anymore.  Fuck-ing-A.  Now you're acting like a crazy person, and an asshole, all in the name of a party that you have to know deep down is bullshit.  And even if I thought that deep down the McCain I used to admire were still in there, somewhere, just waiting to shed the hideous bonds he's burdened to get to a place where he genuinely believes he can do good for the country, maybe even to save the country, the fact that he ever chose to seek the office of President by those means would dissolve such a concern immediately.  Even if you lost every state do you have any idea the impact you could have had on the discourse in this country?  Fuck it, what am I talking about, you've made your choice.  God Dammit, John.

I guess it's time I get back to the point.  I have opinions.  Most of them are educated, some of them aren't.  Some of you out there are quick to respond to what must be a terribly ominous strawman perception of me just because I used the words "conservative" and "small government."  Can I blame you?  Of fucking course not, don't be ridiculous.  Every asshole that's been in your field of vision for the past decades have used those words as code words to mean drastically different things.  "Conservative" in practice has come to imply an Orwellian patriarchy, and "small government" is used as mode of corruption via no regulation, instead of being a practice designed to prevent it.  But just because they've fucked up the definitions now doesn't mean the principles never had merit, and if we're truly to advance as a civilization we must discuss both sides honestly and passionately, so we can find the right answer.  We both look to end the day with the best answers to the tough questions, we the few engaging in rational discussion in this little pocket of sanity.

I like being wrong, because every time I find out I'm wrong I get smarter.  I think that we should lean towards smaller government.  I could be wrong.  I could be dead wrong.  Like Nazi wrong.  Big government could be infinitely more awesome than small government.  The point is I'm willing to change my position, on anything, if given strong enough evidence to the contrary, and I think that's the most important part of any conversation.  I didn't write this to defend small government, I'll write that in the days to come, and you can convince me why I'm wrong when I get to those topics.  I wrote this to rant and to tell the lot of you who went a teensy-bit far with your characterizations of my opinions this: Don't jump to conclusions, I'm from the other side and I'm willing to start the conversation, this shit drives me just as crazy as it does you - I think I've made that clear - let's talk to each other like we think intelligent people should talk to each other and maybe we can convince everyone else to follow our lead.

Thanks for your time, I'm happy to be apart of the discussion.  If you don't vote after being subjected to this 8 year shitstorm you should be beaten.
More to come.
Stay Classy.

[/Rant]