Lost in Dr. Laura's melt down was what Jade was asking for. An idea of how to get her husband to stick up for her. Dr. Laura's final advice to Jade that she should not have married outside her race if she was going to be so "sensitive" hails back to the 1970's.
Jade you deserved better. I don't know if I can help you, because this has troubled me also. No, both my husband and I are white. We have family members who are not white who deal with what you are describing.
Quite frankly, I don't know how to respond to cringe worthy, insensitive comments by ignorant people who should know better. I would like some guidance and maybe this community can help us, since Dr. Laura wouldn't help you.
What to say to a neighbor or or soon to be ex-friend is easy. That's, "Hey! We don't treat people like that!" or, if I'm feeling charitable, "Hey, man that was really insensitive. You need to apologize."
No, the problem is what to do with insensitive family members who just don't get it. You know, the people you live with or those who are going to come back to the next holiday dinner.
I think that's what you wanted to talk about and that's a conversation that hasn't happened anywhere today.
For Some reason I can take on racial issues professionally, but when it comes to friends and family, it's more difficult.
For instance, there are some words that I simply banned from my classroom and office. The "N" word along with sexist, anti-LGBT and anti-religious slurs as well were all banned. If I heard a banned word, I said we use a better language than that. My classroom, my rules. That was that.
We did talk about why some words need to be banned from the English language and how the n-word's origins make it too offensive to use - ever - for anybody. We had some good dialog that led to a good outcome of mutual respect and a rejection of racism in language on the job and in the classroom.
...but,
Social relationships.... yeah, well, that's trickier. A racist remark is just as unacceptable. The problem is, if it's a relationship you value; you want to find a way to say a remark is racist, sexist, insensitive and somehow still remain friends. You want your family to be a part of your life. If you take too strong a stand you can be cut off from your family and your family might take sides differently than you would expect.
How do you confront family and friends without too much stink? To be sure, there can come the remark that can't be tolerated. That I know how to handle. "Get out, come back when you figure out how to be around people," the problem is, that when you resort to that level of rejection, the offender gets defensive and doesn't learn anything.
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Jade, This is late, but maybe, the dkos community can answer the question you had which was:
OK. Last night -- good example -- we had a neighbor come over, and this neighbor -- when every time he comes over, it's always a black comment. It's, "Oh, well, how do you black people like doing this?" And, "Do black people really like doing that?" And for a long time, I would ignore it. But last night, I got to the point where it
....and then you were interrupted.
Here's my answer, based on what little you were allowed to say. Sometimes you have to figure out if someone is genuinely interested in diversity and are ignorant or if they are being an insensitive jerk. I would try something like this first, "I can't say what all black people think" and if you feel comfortable, go ahead and give your opinion. Later, when you and your husband are alone you could ask your husband to be ready for your neighbor next time and ask him to say, "The ambassador for All Black kind is taking the night off" or maybe something less snarky. Sometimes, husbands aren't comfortable with calling out their friends and they need encouragement. Maybe he doesn't know what to say. Sometimes, people would rather ignore a social problem instead of taking it on. Maybe, he doesn't realize that in your eyes he's condoning insensitive, race based behavior.
I'm sure there are others here with other ideas and I hope they will put them in the comment thread.
UPDATE: I just woke up and see things have been happening here. Thank you all for your recs and comments. Thanks for giving Jade her answers, I wish I knew how to let her know we are here for her. Yawn, but I'm still sleepy and need to go back to bed. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.