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Ladies and gentlemen. From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...Cheers and Jeers' Exclusive One-Year Anniversary Exclusive Explodes in the Exclusive Extended Copy section... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
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"Where the hell are the balloons!!? Who's in charge of the balloons!!? I want more goddam balloons!! Go Go Go!!"
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 10, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days `til Christmas: 15
Days `til 2005: 21
Days `til `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith': 160
Approximate number of individual Cheers and Jeers since 12/10/03: 3,000
Approximate number of `4s' in the tip jar since 12/10/03: 10,000
Approximate value of those `4s' in Euros: 27
Your Puppy Pic of the Day:
Tis the season for babes in swaddling clothes: http://www.focusmag.gr/id/files/19790/w_tired%20puppy.jpg
C&J Exclusive! "Behind the Laughter...Behind the Pain: An Exclusive Anniversary Exclusive Interview with Bill in Portland Maine Exclusively by Bill in Portland Maine." Conducted in the library at the Exclusive Portland Country Club on December 9, 2004.
How's the rum and Coke? There's only one way to describe any rum and Coke ever made in the history of humankind--which, of course, is six thousand years--and that is "perfect." Thank you.
You've become quite a celebrity at DailyKos. Does that surprise you? Let's put it this way. If you told me a year ago that Cheers and Jeers would become the #1 recommended diary at the #1 reform Democrat blog in the world, I'd kick you in the nuts.
I believe I did. And I believe you did. And I was the one who got the ice pack. Get over it.
How do you do it day after day? I type really fast with two fingers. I learned on a manual Smith Corona machine when I was four years old and now I can type almost faster than I can think.
Which fingers do you use? The middle ones, which are also useful in traffic.
What are you most proud of in your life, Bill in Portland Maine? Still being with the first guy I ever dated; we've been together 11 and a half years now. Writing and hosting two successful TV infomercials. Moving to a blue state I love but growing up in a red state, Ohio, so that I can understand the mentality. And I'd have to put C&J up there on the shelf, too.
Infomercials? Sure. Between 2000 and 2003 my face was seen more often than Leno and Letterman combined. It's a living.
How do you feel about George W. Bush? You can't blame him for everything. The Whigs screwed up a lot of things early on and we're still digging out. If, for example, we hadn't made that stupid Louisiana Purchase we'd have virtually no red states at all. But if you don't count the stagnant economy, job losses, arrogant foreign policy, destruction of the separation of church and state, lack of intellectual curiosity, no transparency, dividing the country instead of uniting it and a total lack of humility, I'd give him a C+.
John Kerry? No, my name's Bill. Pay attention.
No, what do you think of John Kerry? I voted against him before I voted for him. I thought he was stiff a year and a half ago, and I think he's still stiff. Nice, yes. Smart, yes. Patriotic and courageous and senatorial, of course. But he did exactly what Howard Dean warned us about: he was an über-liberal trying to be Bush Lite. It killed him. And by the way, if we don't get smart and move to a nationwide primary---or at least a regional primary system---we'll continue to hamstring ourselves the way we did last January. Then again, I eat paste.
Let's talk about Daily Kos. How long have you been squatting here? Since March 2003 at least. Howard Dean's blog led me here and I became addicted to Kos's Cattle Calls for the Democratic nominees. Then the idea for C&J hit me a year ago and became my contribution to the [makes quotation marks with fingers] "Buh-log."
How do you see C&J in the overall scheme of DailyKos? C&J is like the children's table at holiday gatherings. We're dismissed as juvenile delinquents, but you know one day we'll rule the planet. In the meantime we're content to use our spoons as catapults to flick peas at the grownups.
What's your relationship with Markos? He walked right by my office last summer on his way to Peaks Island and never even stopped to say hi. So there's great sadness, bitterness and regret over that. But seriously, what can you say about a guy who opens your eyes, feeds your soul and lets you vent every day?
You obviously base your column on TV Guide's famous Cheers and Jeers page. Who else influences your format? Newsweek's Conventional Wisdom Watch. Kos's original cattle calls. Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet for Entertainment Weekly, which sucks eggs big-time since he left.
How long does it take you to write C&J? A few hours. But gathering it is an all-the-time thing. Everything I see, hear, touch, smell, feel, read and watch goes through the filter. It never ends.
So you must be pretty opinionated. Yeah, well, fuck you. What do you know?
How do you come up with your punchlines? It's an assembly line process. First I think outside the box. Then I take a drink. Then if I can't steal a punchline from some obscure web site no Kossack would ever visit, I delete the item.
Have you ever stolen a punchline from The Daily Show? No. But I do shake my fists of fury when they beat me to a really good one...and laugh when I top them.
Can you give us an on the spot Cheer or Jeer? Jeers to more hot air. Sean Hannity just signed a new $25 million contract with ABC to keep his radio show going. Sounds impressive until you break it down---it's only 50 bucks per lie.
Let's talk about C&J readers. I noticed you've been getting well over 200 comments lately. Who are these people? I would say they're desperate, lonely people scrounging for an easy 4. But that might be considered rude so don't print that. Did you scratch it out? Can I see that you scratched it out in your notes? Okay. Frankly, they're an incredible bunch. All ages, all walks of life, and we're even building an international following. I think what unites us is a need to spin some fun out of these dark times. That and our cats and dogs. And poop and fart jokes.
Yeah, what's up with all the flatulence humor? I dunno. But I got to tell you this quick story. In the late `70s I lived in Germany--I was around 11 years old---and my class went on a field trip to Berlin. We were getting a tour of the Reichstag and I let out a huge fart---juicy as all get-out. Everyone turned around and looked at the guy next to me. So I looked at him, too, and he got blamed for it. We were on the floor laughing our brains out. The tour guide was appalled.
I think farting is the common denominator that unites all humanity. They should do it more often at the U.N. Can you imagine if Kofi had laid a patch during Powell's big WMD speech? They would've adjourned laughing and gone out for beer and pizza and we never would have invaded.
Do you realize how much employee productivity is lost by people reading C&J at work? I know. And I feel guilty because that's the reason all of America's customer service reps are now outsourced by agents in New Delhi named "Frank" and "Suzie." American reps got too distracted. Oops.
A lot of people were surprised that you posted a C&J the day after the election. Yeah, that one was tough. But look, C&J isn't just ha-ha funny. It's also a vent for my anger and that's a big reason why I do it. Can you believe `we the people' re-elected a professional schmoozer who couldn't pass a fifth-grade civics test? Can you believe we sent certified looneys like Bunning and Coburn to Washington? Can you believe the neocons are getting a free pass over Iraq? That piece of shit Medicare drug card plan? The Texas redistricting? The deficit? Stephen Colbert nailed it on The Daily Show when he said, "The way to job security in this administration isn't through failure---it's through colossal failure."
But then there's Barack Obama and Howard Dean. And a lot of brewing scandals that I think will bite the GOP in the ass. And 103 year-old Esther Forbes who voted in her 22nd consecutive presidential election. And Air America. There's always stuff to cheer about.
What's with the tip jar you put out everyday? Isn't it a little redundant since Kos added the Recommended Diaries? The day I stopped putting out a tip jar Meteor Blades gave me a verbal thrashing so I brought it back. Maybe you should speak to him. You know he crushes walnuts with his biceps.
People call you the King of Mojo because you get so many 4s every day. And I appreciate that. But with the dollar at record lows, a 4 is really only worth 2½ now. If this keeps up I'll be a troll by January.
What does your partner, Michael, think of all this? He completely supports me as long as I remember to tape Days of Our Lives and do the ironing.
Who do you admire? The usual bunch: Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, FDR, Fillmore, Harding. I think I'm warming up to Harry Reid; he's crafty. Howard Dean, of course. The wickedly funny Paul Lynde, who was from my hometown. Any gay kid who gets picked on by a thug and ends up kicking the crap out of him. And Jerry Falwell, only because I bet he'd be really good at bouncing me on his knee.
Have you ever bought pornographic videos? Jesus! What the hell kind of question is that? Absolutely not. I rent.
Have you ever thought of running for public office? Only if you delete my answer to your last question.
Do you support the troops? Let me put it this way. I expect my tax dollars to go toward protecting the troops with armor for their vehicles and themselves. I expect my tax dollars to go toward decent living conditions for them. I expect my tax dollars to go toward hiring competent private-sector companies that will make supply lines and reconstruction efforts operate smoothly. I expect my tax dollars to go toward adequate health care and benefits for veterans. I expect my tax dollars to pay the salaries of competent leaders who will listen to the troops when they say things suck and then fix the problem. So I'm supporting them in theory, but in practice I feel like most of my tax money has gone down a giant sinkhole. We could've changed that on November 2nd, of course, but we decided to stick with our strategy of No Yellow Ribbon Car Magnet Left Behind. Ooh...I think I just ranted.
What's the cruelest thing you've ever done? In 12th grade, we had a student teacher in history class who was just awful. Insufferably boring, and forever leaning on the verbal crutch, "...and that type of thing." It was, "Lee attacked at Gettysburg and that type of thing." "The Monroe Doctrine was written with a quill and that type of thing." So I organized a dozen classmates and we signed an edict deeming him "guilty" of boring us in the classroom. He took it pretty well, but it obviously stung. I felt bad after that. But I hope he took it to heart. A subject like American history should never be boring. Also I killed a person by holding a magnifying glass to his head in the hot sun. And once I cut all the whiskers off my cat. She was bumping into the furniture for weeks.
Any words of wisdom for C&J readers? Write to your elected officials. Read the Constitution. Realize that one day you're going to keel over so squeeze some fun out of life. Have faith that the reform Democrats shall rise again. And please ease up on the cat comments.
I'm thinking of a number be... Six!
...tween 10 and... Thirty Seven!
Between 10 and 20. Eighteen!
Wrong. Fourteen. And I think this interview's over.
So do I. Ass. Jerk.
Cheers and One-Year Flashback: December 10, 2003...
JEERS to George W. Bush's "spontaneous" appearance during CNN's Larry King Live. Walk-on during end of Laura interview reveals hopelessly inarticulate boob. No Red Ryder BB gun for you, pal, until you learn how to say "Merry Christmas" without gritting your teeth.
CHEERS to Al Gore for showing true cajones in early Dean endorsement. Ex-Veep understands that the only way to break out of Democratic party complacency is to shake, shake, SHAKE things up. The bluster coming from inside the beltway proves he's right on.
And just one more...
CHEERS to you...from C&J: http://www7.plala.or.jp/igloo/picture/pen/Thank%20you!!.gif.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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