SAN FRANCISCO (05-21) 14:30 Mexico launched the first preemptive strike of its long-rumored Reconquista campaign, to regain its former territories in the United States, with an all-out assault on San Francisco, California today.
Moving quickly to attack before the Bush administrations plans to station National Guard troops with all the latest techology could be moved into position,
the Mexican assault dropped an enormous BunkerBuster Chipolte Burrito into the middle of the city, sending thousands fleeing in panic.
This being San Francisco, several gay weddings already in progress were interrupted, sending the brides running for cover.
Others caught completely unprepared for the surprise attack, fled with only the backpacks on their back, putting safety above modesty.
The violence of the Mexican attack on San Francisco caused widespread damage across all of Northern California. Particularly hard hit were some of the nation's foremost biotechnology facilities releasing unknown experimental pathogens into the environment.
Chiron Corporation refused to comment on damage to its bird flu vaccine program and the potential release of some of its test animals into the surrounding communities.
The Mexican attack, code-named "Chocha Picante," also apparently accelerated the melting of the glaciers in the nearby Sierra Nevada Mountain range, releasing long-frozen former inhabitants to once again rampage the area.
The accelerated global warming effects of the extra-spicy attack also enraged the local penguin population causing them to devour fleeing citizens whole, leaving only their tortured faces visible as they were digested like so many herring.
United States forces failed to anticipate the attack, blaming the lack of intelligence on the antiquated code-breaking techniques of the CIA.
However, American resistance rallied when the National Guard began rounding up suspicious persons of Middle Eastern background, thought to be assisting in the coordination of the attack.
Later, all brown-skinned people were being detained, like this family of tourists visiting from Fandango, on charges of "not being white at the scene of a crime."
Despite the poor showing of the United States military, American corporations Halliburton and Bechtel immediately appeared at the site of the fighting with their hands out, demanding no-bid contracts to supply the war effort.
Editor's Note: Many thanks to the San Francisco Chronicle for the pictures and coverage of today's Bay-to-Breakers Race in San Francisco!
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