Since my last diary entry,
"How To Act Born Again (Better Red Than Dead)" was received so well, I've decided the time was nigh to include tips on the Ten Commandments.
As we all know, The Ten Commandments (hereby shortened to TTC) is of great importance to Red Staters. As such, Blue Staters really need to brush up on them so they will be ready for the American Taliban.
I will attempt to provide some clarification, Do's and Don'ts if you will, for each one.
CAUTION: Those with some theological training may wish to avoid this diary!
I asked myself to name all of TTC. I came with the following list:
1. Thou shalt not kill.
2. Thou shall not commit adultry.
3. Honor thy Mother and Father.
4. Don't covet thy neighbors ass.
5. Something about one god.
6. False Billy Idols
7. Uh, Don't Mess with Texas
8. ... Don't drink and drive
9. ... Don't mess with false bare witness's
10. Thank god this is the last one
Okay, so I didn't do so hot. But far better than the 132 out of 200 Anglican priests. And we know if it is on a website it HAS to be true!
Okay, well I may be a bit confused as there are multiple versions of TTC. I used what was on Wikipedia because I'm lazy. And it is Sunday. And I hate football.
Okay, lets do them in order (from Deuteronomy RSV):
1. "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments."
Here is the miracle: this all fit on two (2) stone tablets. My guess: teeny, tiny writing. Probably Arial at a font size of 2.
How has man responded? By making graven images, of course! See the Sistine Chapel for an example for one of the best examples. Granted it was painted by a homosexual and Red Staters know ALL homosexuals are godless. Had Pope Julius II della Rovere access to the Internet he could have avoided this faux pas!
Red Staters, like many Republicans, have gone for a theological loophole (they are tricky bunch). They've made it a fetish. So what you end up with is:

And the legendary FISH:

Nothing says "I LOVE MY GOD" than an emblem of that religion on the rear end of a car.
2. "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain."
Okay, this is the funny one. Red Staters for some BIZARRE notion have take to the notion that G-O-D is the name of God. It isn't. We really don't know the name of god (well, I don't). I suspect most Red Staters don't either.
So, instead, they've substituted nothing words like "gosh" and "golly" and the occasional "gol" - as in "gol-darnnit!"
It is similar to, but not totally unlike, the English language.
3. "Observe the sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, or your manservant, or your maidservant, or your ox, or your ass, or any of your cattle, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your manservant and your maidservant may rest as well as you. You shall remember that you were a servant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out thence with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day."
And by Holy we mean FOOTBALL!
I mean, how many people do you see interviewed saying "Well, God had nothing to do with this game, it was pretty much our skill, or lack of, that determined the outcome". None.
According to Red Staters, there is nothing more holy than watching a football game. Ladies, you may want to note that it says NOTHING about wives doing nothing. You're stuck making the beer and chip run for hubby.
Church, as many might point out, is optional for the guys. Women MUST attend (mostly so they can see that cute new preacher that moved into town).
4. "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you; that your days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with you, in the land which the LORD your God gives you."
The U.S. has done pretty good with this, eh? Old Folks Homes, Medicare D, raiding Social Security...
To be fair, Red Staters do seem to see a lot of their parents these days as many are unable to find jobs. So, through the wonders of economic regress, face time has increased.
Now we just have to work on that whole "honor" part...
5. "You shall not kill."
Fundies HATE this one. Literally they will say "oh, what it means is thou shall not murder" - which is the key point of Fundamentalism ... not interpreting the Bible.
What most people seem to misunderstand is that this is God's Law and it truly means that people should not kill other people (as to whether that applies to animals as well... much disagreement).
Standard theology states that any killing be the sole purview of God - which is why so much of it was done by Him in the Old Testament. Really a lot. I mean, rivers of blood, dead burnt bodies everywhere... imagine Sam Peckinpah meets Quentin Tarantino - but without Samuel L. Jackson.
6. "Neither shall you commit adultery."
Which is interpreted as meaning "it ain't adultery if I don't get caught".
Some have actually written text about adultery: "What is Adultery?". This text contains big words. Red Staters will NEVER get past "a new view of adultery has been espoused by a minority element within the church"... Instant brain freeze.
According to some, Red Staters are pretty damn bad about adultery. The website Nofaultdiv.com sez that according to "Word Tracker, approximately 3.2 people a day type the key words, "adultery divorce texas" - which means they are either looking for a divorce based on adultery or doing a diary (like I am). Those who are doing a diary will look forward to hearing from my attorney.
But what about the numbers, man? I could not find anything comprehensive and therefore was somewhat apprehensive. However, if Pat Robertson can make up Doctrines of the Church (like the Doctrine of Assassination), I can make up numbers and say 57% of Red Staters are adulterers. Wow! I had no idea prior to that sentence.
7. "Neither shall you steal."
Yeah, right. Red Staters tend to be several income brackets below Blue Staters so THIS will never happen, right?
You call it stealing, we call it... relocating the material. Sounds good, huh? I relocated several cars last night. Plan to strip and grind them tomorrow, and by next Saturday they'll be arriving at a local parts supplier (no questions asked).
That's bidness, baby!
8. "Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor."
Most Red Staters haven't a clue what "bearing false witness" means. In other words, how can I not do something I don't understand.
Some preachers translate this for them to mean "don't lie about your neighbor" or "don't gossip about them". All pretty good advice.
Except that without gossip how would I know that the son of the daughter of the Principal of the High School was gay BUT before he figured it out knocked up the Mayor's 17 year old girl at the Prom?!?! Who, btw, is built like a brick shithouse. The girl, not the guy.
9. "Neither shall you covet your neighbor's wife"
Unless she has a REALLY great ass or boobs. Well, that is what many Red State men think - otherwise why would they go to tittie bars?
This is also the reason High School football is so popular as it has little to do with the players. Red States have schools for cheerleaders. So they can look really hot hot hot for those gasping, wheezing men in the bleachers (popping their Viagra like they were Chiclets).
Note to the gals: you can covet ALL you want. Sez nothing about coveting thy neighbors husband. Remember, this is Red State logic: if it ain't in the Bible, it's up for grabs!
One thing the Bible is a little vague about is what constitutes a neighbor. For example, if I covet a hot, bodacious sweet young thing from, oh, Tokyo, does that fall under the auspices of neighbor? Your Milage May Vary come the End Times.
10. "and you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's."
The Red States covet a lot. Mostly because they have crap.
For the most part this is the "ignored commandment" because, well, most people don't have an ox, man servant or maid servant. The land is toxic and the ass usually is falling. The house hasn't been painted in 10 years and has leaking sewage. And frankly, if you've seen some of my neighbors, with the spandex at breaking point and jeans at ass-crack point, you wouldn't covet them either.
The Last Commandment
I hope I have helped clarify the stumbling blocks (or mind-field) of Red State religion. All in all, they want TTC nailed, scribed, implanted, or hung everywhere and anywhere. They are a lot like George Bush and the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, he wants to drill in it just to piss off the liberals. Doesn't care if there isn't a lick of oil.
Red Staters believe in the End Times and that we will all be judged. Now since there really isn't much of a standard, I keep wondering what we will be judged on. I hope it is much like the Iron Chef and it is presentation rather than taste.