Sorry, but last night's CNN coverage just screamed out o me for a rant....
Paula, I should like to take this moment to thank you for your stellar performance last night with so clearly illustrated all that is wrong with the media today. I know, I know, if it bleeds it leads, And if they won't say so publicly - every reporter dreams of being the lucky schmuck in the right place at the right time. To get to be the Scud Stud. To be the dumb-assed jerkoff who thought they got the shit job of reporting on a man walking from a car into a building, and ended up as the one on the street when Rompin' Ronnie got shot, to stand over the twitching body of Brady and wring your hands in contrived over-emotion.
The timing Gods haven't been kind to you lately has it Paula?
Anderson Cooper has got to have all the fun along the Gulf Coast while you get stuck back in the booth showing off your legs and chatting with dull "experts".
But for a brief shining hour, you thought you had hit the lottery. Not one, not two, but THREE stories exploding off the screen as the graphics flipped back and forth between the satellite shots of Rita, the radar maps of the storm around Mineapolis, and those poor souls circling the airport in California.
The excitement mounted, and it showed. you could hardly keep the smile off your face and the flush from your cheeks as you flipped back and forth through the stories. The eyes shining, the excitement mounting, the promised climax of an attempted landing impending as you gushed "Well Jacqui, I don't know about you. I've been doing this almost 30 years. I cannot remember a night like this when we're watching two major weather stories and the potential of a serious emergency landing out on the west coast all at the same time. ".
I swear at that moment had the cameras pulled back from your glowing face and sculpted hair that we would probably have caught the sight of you rubbing yourself, so caught up in the moment were you. Look at me! I'm an anchor when the shit's hitting the fan! Woo-hooo baby! Hit me with another! And had we witnessed a tragedy at long beach, I can almost see the way it would have looked. The image of the burning wreckage on one side of the split screen while on the other we would have been treated to you throwing your head back and screaming out "yes, yes, yes!" in the best onscreen PG rated orgasm since When Harry Met Sally. Frankly, I'm not sure if you could have held it back at that point.
It was grotesque Paula. It really was. All the more so from the excitement pre-occupying you to the point where your questions sank to depths of inanity formerly only seen on Fox.
"So Mr. Pilot expert-dude we called up - besides trying to land, what are their options?"
They're in a fucking plane Paula! There ARE no other options!
"And what is the optimal thing these pilots are hoping for?"
To live Paula. Yes, even if it costs you ratings points they really want to see their loved ones again... go figure.
If there was any justice to last night's horrific display of self-indulgent, lustfull excitement, it was watching the plane circle around for one last circuit before finally landing on Larry's watch instead of yours. A landing that he covered with the proper dispassion expected of correct news reporting instead of the info-tainment crap we get subjected to most of the rest of the time.
But Paula? Really. you need to learn something.
Anchoring the news is NOT supposed to be all about you. I know it is to some extent, but you're supposed to have the professionalism and good grace not to show it.
So maybe for Christmas we'll send you a video montage of recent disasters and a vibrator so you can practice achieving orgasm without showing it. Because I don't think I want to see another night like last night, even if it does take another 30 years before you get the chance to repeat your performance.