A contact embedded in the State Department has just leaked to me the contents of the President's briefing memo for his tour this week of Japan, South Korea, China, and Mongolia. I offer it exclusively here, on the Daily Kos:
Presidential Briefing Memo
Asia Pacific Tour 2005
The Department of State, working together with the White House Asia Policy Group have identified a number of key policy issues for you to focus on during your tour of Asian countries this week.
Chief among your foreign policy goals, Mr. President, is to not throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister. . .
Chief among your foreign policy goals, Mr. President, is to not throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister. And when we say "do not throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister" we do not mean to imply that it is OK to throw up on any other Prime Minister or any Japanese official of another rank, or anyone else you meet on the trip. Indeed, Mr. President, if we could sum up our goals for this trip in three words, they would be "don't throw up".
Please keep in mind that that the Asian diet varies widely from what you may be used to. Your Japanese hosts, for instance, may offer you raw fish or seaweed. Mr. President, if you do not feel you can keep it down do not try to eat it. Wait until no one is looking and slip it onto Laura's plate. Secretary Rice specifically asked us to remind you that expressions such as "In Texas, we wouldn't feed this slop to the hogs!" or "Seaweed? You must be shitting me, Tojo!" are unlikely to advance American interests in this strategically important area.
Your second stop will be Korea. Korea has a wide and varied cuisine and we suggest, sir, that you touch none of it. The consequences could have an adverse affect on our chief foreign policy goal for this trip. In particular, you may be offered local Seoul food delicacies in the capitol. This will not be collard greens, as you might expect.
The President of South Korea is named Roh Moo-hyun, but his name is pronounced "No". At your request, we have had this carefully vetted by the CIA and we can report that it is correct. The area experts we have consulted all agree that it would not be productive to try to correct his pronunciation. We also hope that the name can serve you as a handy memory helper in this way: "Should I throw up on this man? -- NO".
When in South Korea please remember that it is the policy of your administration to not refer North Korea as a state with weapons of mass destruction. This is because North Korea possesses weapons of mass destruction. Please refer to weapons of mass destruction only in countries without weapons of mass destruction. We suggest Singapore in this regard.
In China, you will meet the President Hu Jintao and the Prime Minister Wen Jibao. As we have explained to you, they will both be Chinese -- this is not unusual in China. It might be considered impolite to comment on it. In the Chinese system of government, Hu outranks Wen and it is important to keep them straight. We don't know who you will meet when, but when you meet Hu please don't call him Wen unless, when you meet Wen it is Hu who introduces you.
During your brief visit to Mongolia, please remember that the native people are Mongolians, and not Mongoloids. This is extremely important. You will only be in Mongolia for four hours. Please, sir, "Mongolian", OK?
At all times, there will be peanut butter sandwiches available on Air Force One. Please watch your diet. Have a safe trip, sir, and we look forward to seeing you soon.
