From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
COLORS! PRETTY COLORS LIKE A RAINBOW!
If you have plans Sunday---like eating, sleeping, working, watching TV, shopping, raising children, going to church or just chewin' yer cud---you'll want to change them. We got ourselves some celebratin' to do. As of March 12, we've spent...
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Four years under the color-coded Terror Alert System
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I hope I didn't spring that on you too quickly. Need a warm compress for your forehead?
As regular readers of C&J know, every Friday I update the color-coded terror alert status in my "By the Numbers" section. But the only thing I ever change is the number of days the system has been in place (1,459 as of today). I never have to change the color itself.
It's always yellow. Sunshine yellow. Blinding sundress yellow. Canary yellow. Yellow Elephant yellow. Or as I like to call it...pee-your-pants yellow.
Did you know that there are colors besides yellow? It's true. There's "Blue," which is GUARDED (general risk of terror attacks). And there's "Green," which is LOW (low risk of terror attacks). But right now we're at "Yellow," which is ELEVATED (significant risk of terror attacks). And, except for a brief moment when we stuck our collective toe into "Orange," which is HIGH (high risk of terrorist attacks with a 30% chance of showers), we've been at yellow every day since the system was put in place.
Now, if we were at terror alert level "Red," which is SEVERE risk, oh my goodness we'd be in a whompin' world of trouble. Why, the Department of Homeland Security suggests you'd have to "Stay tuned to TV or radio for current information," "Expect traffic delays," and "Contact your school/business to determine [the] status of [your] work day." That's right, folks---it's a good idea to call ahead first to find out if your co-workers' faces are turning into a green goo at the office. It'll help you avoid those awkward moments at the water cooler.
But yellow's the color for me. I like it. It fits and accessorizes well. And all I have to do to be a good American citizen at level Yellow is "Continue to be alert for suspicious activity and report it to authorities." Believe me, there's nothing like the feeling of patriotism that washes over you after calling the police at 3am and watching your 80 year-old neighbor lady get extraordinarily-renditioned to Syria for baking suspicious-looking pies.
So today I lift my rum and Coke to the geniuses at the Department of Homeland Security. And instead of a wimpy green lime, I'll garnish it with a plump, juicy yellow lemon straight from the private dungeon of Alberto Gonzales.
God Bless America. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 10, 2006
Note: A new book reveals that Kos has been injecting himself with steroids since 1998 to improve the performance of his blog. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Yearly Kos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 90
Days `til the Fryeburg Home, Garden and Flower Show: 70
Bush's approval rating in today's new AP-Ipsos poll: 37% ("The lowest of his presidency")
Bush's approval on terrorism in the same poll: 43%
Percent who want Democrats to control Congress: 47%
Percent who want Republicans to control Congress: 36%
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,459
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Who farted?
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The travels...
CHEERS to the Gang of Ten. Pastor Dan, PoliSigh, Jgkojak, The White Trash Poet, Moody Loner, Delaware Dem, Phillygal, Histopresto, RenaRF, and Cosmic Debris held down the fort during our absence, providing much-needed snarkies as the GOP machine continued to grind the Constitution into a fine powder. I'm honored that you all agreed to pay for the privilege. Your invoices are in the mail.
CHEERS to Delta. Our flights were on time, the staff was friendly, we only ran out of fuel in the air once, and---I shit you not---we actually got peanuts and cheese and crackers. If this is what comes with bankruptcy, bring it on!
JEERS to unnecessary airline safety instructions. Like this: "Place the metal tab inside the buckle and pull the strap to tighten it." Look, lady, if there's someone on this plane who doesn't know how to put on a seat belt, they need to be wheeled to the nearest Greyhound terminal in shackles.
CHEERS to the blank filler-inners. You would think that digesting hard-copies of the Miami Herald, USA Today and the New York Times while sitting poolside sucking down daiquiris in the sunshine every day would give one a well-rounded perspective of world events. You would be wrong. Staggering down Duval Street to the local Internets Café and logging on to Kos, AmericaBlog, etc. was the only way to be sure we were getting the full story. Of course, we have no memory of those trips, but the point is...Key West has really good daiquiris.
WHAAA?? to unsolved mysteries. Honest...we have no idea how this got pinned to the inside of our underwear. (And five bucks to anyone who can locate the keys to the cuffs.)
The Rest...
CHEERS to sinking the S.S. Dubya. It's over---Dubai Ports Wallyworld says it's turning over our port operations to an "American entity.", adding one more miserable failure to the record of our 30-something-percent president. But we're not breathing easy just yet---Port Management for Dummies just rose to #1 at Amazon.com.
JEERS to (not so) divine intervention. As if Homeland Security didn't have enough on its plate (like color-coordinating their terror alerts with their purses), now the White House wants the agency to start funneling money to churches. That's right, kids---apparently we are so unprotected that the only thing that can save our collective ass is paying off the folks with a direct hotline to God. See you in church.
JEERS to the NEW, IMPROVED AMERICA! Thanks to the Republicoward party, here's how the FISA law works now:
Step 1: The president can spy on you for any reason without a warrant for 45 days.
Step 2: After 45 days, the president will request an extension.
Step 3: Republican lapdog Senators will authorize the president to keep spying on you.
Step 4: Repeat steps 1, 2 and 3 until you're safely tucked away in a nursing home where the maximum damage you can inflict on the homeland is drooling on an orderly.
Coming soon is Step 5: Throw the bums out in November and abolish steps 1 through 4.
JEERS to the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. This is embarrassing. "Moderate" Maine Senator Olympia Snowe totally caved on investigating Bush's illegal wiretapping activities. After this episode and her shameless vote to confirm Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, all we can do is paraphrase the second-ugliest legislator in D.C. (Rep. Jean Schmidt) by transposing one letter: "Cowards cut and run. Mainers never do." From this moment forward, ma'am, C&J considers you the worst thing imaginable in our state: "from away."
CHEERS to the silver lining. It's too early to abandon hope that Bush will get run outta town on a rail over his impeachable spying activities. From Glenn Greenwald:
Congress has not rendered legal, and cannot not retroactively render legal, the commission by the Administration of criminal acts. Eavesdropping on Americans without judicial oversight is, without question, a criminal act that was deliberately and repeatedly committed by the Administration. The decision of the Intelligence Committee not to bother investigating that does not immunize the Administration from the consequences of that wrongdoing, and if the Intelligence Committee will not investigate these criminal acts, that does not mean that they won't be investigated and exposed.
Eight months `til November...not that we're counting.
JEERS to ElevendollarGate. Did you see the deceptive fundraising letter sent out by the National Republican Senatorial Committee? Disguising a "survey" to look like an official tax form, it "requires" the recipient to send in a minimum of 11 dollars, even if they'd rather use it to line their birdcage. Can people file class-action lawsuits for this kind of chicanery? (I'd pay good money to see Liddy "Dick" Dole in the pokey.)
CHEERS to Jon Stewart. Hosting the Oscars, he was as polished as Johnny Carson and smart enough to avoid attempting the Billy Crystal song-and-dance routine. Same time next year?
CHEERS to our tattered troops. The Maine National Guard is having to cobble together 86 troops from different outfits in order to send a unit to Iraq:
Maj. Gen. Bill Libby, the top official in the Maine National Guard, warned just last month that the only way for the Army to activate more Mainers would be to create ad hoc units from newer recruits who have not yet served overseas because their units had already deployed.
The arrangement means soldiers won't know each other well before deployment. Libby equated the practice to a football team's changing players before every game and said it was commonplace when he served in Vietnam in 1968 and 1969.
You don't say. God, this war sucks elephant balls.
CHEERS to clawing your way through Spring Break. So everyone's all atwitter about the recent discovery of a fuzzy lobster off Easter Island. We can assure you it's just a Maine lobster on vacation. We all bundle up like that from October through June.
JEERS to indigestion. That wacky GOP---they're for states rights only until those rights become inconvenient to their campaign contributors. The latest: the House votes to strip states' ability to add toxicity warnings on food labels in order to placate the mega food-industry conglomerates. Just remember: if you get home from the supermarket and something in your bag glows, oozes or talks back to you, save it for the neighbor kids.
CHEERS to the original plastic diva. 47 years ago, the Barbie doll made its debut. And gave closeted gay boys someone safe to come out to. Memo to Mattel: Muah!
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One Year Ago in C&J: March 10, 2005...
CHEERS to Dan Rather. The CBS stalwart hangs up his fuzzy anchor slippers after getting blogged to death last fall over "Memogate." C&J goes on record: he was an outstanding journalist with more guts than all the Fox airheads combined, standing up to hostile fire in Vietnam and hostile presidents in the West Wing. Too bad he committed the unpardonable sin of overstaying his welcome. Enjoy your frequency at the fishin' hole, Kenneth.
JEERS to plummeting spider hole sales. Saddam's dramatic capture was faked, according to a soldier who says he was present when the Iraqi loon was taken from a home in Tikrit and then planted underground in an abandoned well for a more photogenic collaring. If true, that leaves us with only two things that weren't faked during the war: the death and the destruction. Rah Rah.
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And just one more...
JEERS to the next generation of Republican "leaders." Secret photo from the Heritage Foundation shows that they're getting trained earlier than ever. Prodigies, one and all.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"We thought that with all the interest in Bill in Portland Maine, we would have a lot of inquiries from the public. However, this is not the case."
---Che Hashim Hassan
Malaysian Forestry Department
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