This hilarious spoof popped into my e-mail box, so it's making the rounds. Still, I couldn't find it on Kos via a search. If it's been done a dozen times, I'm sorry. But if, like me, you haven't seen it yet...ENJOY
Washington Times
DeLay attacks taken personally
March 31, 2005
(Cue Nightline theme: bah bah BUM bah.)
TED KOPPEL: Good evening, I'm Ted Koppel and this is Nightline. We take you now to ABC News reporter Karen Ryan outside the presidential compound in Waco, Texas, where cult leader Tom DeLay and his "Ranch Davidians" have been holding the Republican Party hostage for almost three months now. What's the situation there, Karen?
(Cut to stand up shot of Karen Ryan and a tired looking David Duchovny in an FBI windbreaker)
RYAN: It's been another long, tense day down here, Ted, as federal authorities continue to negotiate with the House Majority Leader. I have Special Agent Fox Mulder of the FBI here with me. He's been on the phone with Mr. DeLay for most of the day. Agent Mulder?
MULDER: It's a tough situation, Karen. We know DeLay and his followers are heavily armed, and they have enough food and water and campaign contributions stockpiled in there to hold out almost indefinitely. Plus, we still don't know if the President is one of the hostages or one of the cult members. We hear a lot f rumors, but at this point we haven't gotten any hard information from the White House on where he stands in this thing.
RYAN: Agent Muldur, I understand your professional background is in paranormal investigations. Why have you been brought in as the lead negotiator in a hostage situation?
MULDUR: You're right Karen, most of my work has involved dealing with bizarre conspiracy theories told by people who often appear completely insane. But the bureau felt that kind of experience could be helpful in this case.
RYAN: Some people say the FBI was taken off guard by DeLay's group. Can you comment on that?
MULDUR: Well as you know Karen our field agents have been stretched pretty thin by the president's BS monitoring . . . I mean bumper sticker monitoring program. We've known for some time that the Ranch Davidians were infiltrating the congressional rackets, but we thought the criminal division could handle it. Frankly, they just weren't on our threat list.
RYAN: How would you describe DeLay's state of mind at this point?
MULDUR: (sighs) That's a tough one, Karen. At times he seems almost lucid. But since the Terri Schiavo case hit the cable networks, he's become extremely agitated. He's even more paranoid than usual, and much of the time he seems to be talking in tongues -- which as you can imagine makes negotiations very difficult.
RYAN: Sen. Frist was down here a few days ago, and he told us that based on the video clips he's seen, he believes DeLay is completely sane and totally normal. Would you agree with that diagnosis?
MULDUR: I'm not a psychiatrist, Karen -- although I think I played one on TV once -- but I do have a lot
of experience dealing with people under extreme emotional stress. Based on my conversations with DeLay I'd have to say the man is completely insane -- a total fruitbat. But it's hard to tell. He's also a
very cunning liar. It's possible it's all just an act -- a way of motivating his followers and keeping their
support. Probably the only way to be sure would be to conduct an autopsy. And we hope it doesn't come to that.
RYAN: How are the negotiations going?
MULDER: Like I said, it's very difficult to negotiate with someone who babbles complete gibberish most of the time. We thought we had a deal worked out two weeks ago -- DeLay was going to let most of his hostages go in exchange for an all-expenses-paid golf junket to Hawaii and a 1/12 interest in a new Indian casino. But once the Schiavo news hit the cable networks, his demands became much more extreme.
RYAN: Such as?
MULDUR: Yesterday he told us he wanted the heads of Michael Schiavo, Judge Greer and Nancy Pelosi delivered to the compound on pikes -- although at least he didn't set any kind of deadline. Today was a lot worse: He kept screaming something about eating Ronnie Earle's liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
RYAN: That's Texas district attorney Ronnie Earle, the one who's been investigating DeLay's cult?
MULDER: Right. I had no idea what he was talking about, but one of the other agents told me she
actually worked a case like that back in the early '90s. Some kind of cannibal doctor. Funny, you'd think that would have gone into the X-files . . .
RYAN: Um, if we could get back to the negotiations, Agent Muldur. Have you tried using intermediaries?
MULDUR: Well we wanted to get Bo Gritz to go in, but he was already booked. So we asked former Sen. John Danforth to publish an open letter in the New York Times, calling on DeLay and his followers to surrender. In hindsight, that wasn't such a good idea. DeLay sent back his answer yesterday morning -- and it appears to be written in Arlen Specter's blood. At least that's what the preliminary DNA tests show.
RYAN: What did it say?
MULDUR: I can't use those words on television, Karen. At least not with this FCC.
RYAN: Do you have any leverage over DeLay at all?
MULDUR: We've tried the usual stuff -- you know: randomly turning the electricity on and off, blasting
the place with loud music to try to disorient him. We even cut off his Fox News feed for a while. (winces) That also didn't work out too well. He, um, got pretty violent.
RYAN: How hopeful are you this situation can be resolved peacefully?
MULDUR: We'd hate to have to use force, Karen. There are still innocent people in there, and some moderate Republicans too. It would be a real shame if a bunch of them lost their elections just because one crazy corrupt fanatic decided to take his party down with him. But we don't have a lot of time left.
RYAN: Are those bulldozers I see lining up on the other side of the compound, Agent Muldur?
MULDUR: That's just a precaution, Karen. The FBI is making every effort to solve this crisis peacefully.
And if we do have to go in, we're pretty confident we'll be able to hold the loss of innocent lives to a
minimum.
RYAN: OK. Thanks for your time Agent Muldur. I guess all we can do now is wait and watch. Back to you Ted.
(Cut to Koppel at his desk. We briefly catch him adjusting his toupee, until he realizes he's back on
the air.)
KOPPEL: Right. Well, uh, thanks Karen. (clears throat) We'll be back in a moment with our two-hour ABC News exclusive -- Terri Schiavo: The Early Years. But first, a word from our sponsors . . .
(Cut to commercials.)