Some of you may remember my trifecta (really it was four but I like the the word trifecta) of diaries on Adoption. Back in Late Jan/early Feb my wife and I adopted a baby girl, she was 4 months old at the time, and I got some interesting responses, most were VERY pro, but a few were very against adoption, to the point of saying that my daughter would grow up to be a bitter angry child because we weren't her "real" parents.
Time has passed, and I came across this viewpoint again recently, from someone I didn't expect.
Let me preface this by saying 2 things. I have family members who are adopted, cousins.. one is well adjusted, happy, the other does have some problems, but I don't belive them to be related to adoption as much to some alcohol abuse issues.
Let me also preface this by saying that I'd already do anything for my daughter who is the most magical wonderful tiny little person I could have ever imagined.
Anyways..
I have a friend.. who is adopted. I've always known he was, we've been friends for a long time, we lost touch for years and only last year sometime did we "find" each other and start emailing etc. We have a fair amount in common, and get along well, hes just a good friend.
However I'm scatter brained, and sicne my daughter got here I've not been emailing ANYONE as much including my friend.. So the other day I realized I hadn't ever told him.
His response.. was.. diffrent.
He very bluntly wrote me back and said I had jsut ruined this childs life, and that adoption had scarred him horribly. Not that his adoptive parents had ever done anything TO him in terms of abuse, etc. But that he felt he was scarred forever due to the fact that he felt he had been "taken away" from his true family, and he was SURE she (my daughter) would feel the same way.
I was honestly floored, I mean really.. My wife and I both will always let my daughter know she was adopted, and that we were picked by her birthmother to adopt her.
When I said as much to him, he responded to me that I shouldn't use the term birthmother, she's the "First Mother" or the "REAL mother" and we (my wife and I) are "caretakers" and not REAL parents.
Needless to say I don't know if I'll be talking to him anymore, I was kinda upset, and actually rather pissed off.
It turns out this isn't a totally rare outlook, though its not common, there are groups of adopted children who are grown who feel this way. Some do say that they were abused in some way by thier adoptive parents, but most just say they never felt at "home" and realized after they knew they were adopted that the parents that they called mom and dad, were really just strangers who had no claim on them.
So I come here today.. to ask, has anyone else seen this before? Heard this? I'm not a worrier by nature, but this whole thing has me freaked a little, I mean right now I have a happy bubbly (and reallly drooly) 7 month old little girl. And I never want to think that she's going to hate us because she's adopted.. or not hate but be angry with us.
Oh well..
PS For those who want you can see pics of my daughter at www.picturetrail.com/jjacook