I have a happy Christmas story I would like to share with all of you. I was at Dick's tonight, wandering through the lanes with a vacant gaze on my face, trying to buy gifts for my nephews. I have been very distracted the last week - distracted by the thought that when (if???) we ever get a list of who Bush spied on, I bet Kerry, Michael Moore and perhaps even I, who buy antiques in France and ship them here for resale, may make the list. I have my mother's old .22 rifle, but never use it, although my dad, an ex-Marine, taught me how to shoot when I was 12 years old and I am pretty good at it, if I say so myself.
Well, I decided to have some fun with the people in the gun section.
More Happy Christmas story below:
(Disclaimer: the following story is true, but I am not really looking for a gun. I was just playing a fun Christmas game with the gun lovers in Dick's.)
The gun section was very crowded. There were two clerks and about 6 people at the counter, with another 8 to 10 people in the section perusing various items. As we approached it, I said to my husband, very loudly, "I should look into getting a gun; I might have to protect myself from all the conservatives who want the government to spy on and round up liberals." A number of people looked up at me in surprise, so I then said to my husband, "Remember that 'Liberal Hunting Permit' we saw on that old lady's car on the way here. I bet you she would love to catch us and skin us alive." More startled glances from the gun-loving crowd. My husband practically ran away. I decided to play.
I went up to the clerk, who ignored me. I guess in my Dartmouth sweatshirt and Merrill shoes I did not look like the typical gun-toting, gun-buying rural resident. He was intermittently helping another customer, but that customer was consulting with his wife, Annie Oakley, so I proceeded to loudly state, "I need a gun because I am called an enemy of the state, because I am against the Iraq war, and because conservatives say that I am a traitor who is aiding and abetting the enemy. What kind of gun is best?"
Well, the clerk and everyone around could have been beamed up to a less intelligent planet, for all the sounds they made. The clerk finally responded with: "Well, I am not sure what you are asking."
"Simple," I repeated. "I need a gun because too many conservatives, such as Limbaugh and Hannity, say that I and other liberals are traitors, and I know my history. I know what people do to those they call traitors, even those like me, who are ex-Republicans. I need a gun to PROTECT myself and my family. Do you recommend a rifle, or a shotgun??"
Good Lord, one might have thought I was asking for a gun for a silly reason; I figured I should explain myself further.
"You see," I told him, "I buy antiques from France, so I email there, asking worrisome questions like 'Is the upholstery in good condition,' and, 'How long is that table?' I am worried that I am being spied on, and that people will come out to take me to the reeducation camps. Or a conservative neighbor of mine might want to ship me out because one of my best friends is a militant librarian. Also, I teach a few banned books. So, what type of gun is best?"
At this point, I began to feel as though I was really nuts. I waited for a moment, then told him, "Never mind. I'll go to WalMart where they love Americans."
The crowd all stood there slack-jawed. They stared at me, in my college-preppy outfit, and wondered if I were serious. Good. Let them lose some sleep for a while.