Bush Offers Plan to Privatize the English Language

Bush Offers Plan to Privatize the English Language

- By Dire Wolf Armageddon, political editor

WASHINGTON, DC - Tired of fucking up the English language, Bush announced a plan today to privatize the English language.

"For too long we have lecturned under the axis of words," said Bush. "The dictionary, the taurus, and the lego are tyrannis. The American people love freedom. We must eat breakfast and strong."

Under his new plan, school children will no longer be required to learn grammar, spelling, or "the soft tyranny of thinking good." Instead, they will be allowed to tear up the dictionary and use whatever words they want.

Robert Novak, arriving at a Bush news conference in a brand new Bentley, defended the president:

"A penny in nine, lose again," he said. "A penny in time, lose twice!"

Democrats were quick to criticize Bush's policies, but no one cared.

Berkeley ornithologist Benjamin Walpole believes this new policy will provide a boon for Bush's No Child Left Behind.

"School districts that have been failing will get a strong boost from this new initiative," said Walpole. "Already there are plans to replace Literature classes with farting contests."