From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
For your reading pleasure: A New York Times Bestseller List of the Future...
1. THE BIBLE, by God with The Holy Spirit. (United States Government Printing Office, free; mandatory). The Word of God, quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. With a new foreword by Jim Belushi.
2. A MILLION AND ONE LITTLE PIECES, by James Frey. (Random House, $43.95.) A memoir by the Viceroy of Iraq about his hardscrabble childhood that made him tough enough to quell the civil war in Iraq and divide it into a million and one self-governing "cantons."
3. THE DARK LITTLE BOY AND THE IPOD, by Thomas L. Friedman. (Farrar, Strauss & Giroux, $47.95.) A columnist for the New York Times explains the connection between solving world conflict and a third-world boy by owning an iPod Shuffle.
6. HARRY POTTER AND THE CROSS OF NAZARETH, by J.K. Rowling (Scholastic, Inc., $34.95.) A young wizard realizes sorcery is evil, accepts Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, and marries a young woman named Hermione, who wisely chose to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage.
9. MY TOP STORY---AND MY BOTTOM STORY, by James D. Guckert (Random House, $39.95.) A memoir by Jeff Gannon, the 20-year veteran anchor of the CBS Evening News.
13. HAMMER TIME!, by Tom DeLay (Putnam, $48.95.) A former House majority leader of the Republican party recounts his time in prison, his conversion to Islam, and his later success on the PGA senior tour.
17. MAN ON DOG AND LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT!, by Rick Santorum (Morrow, $42.95.) A former senator describes his long-term love affair with "Big Boy," and offers tips on love, commitment and interspecies relationships.
---From FUBAR: America's Right-Wing Nightmare by Sam Seder and Stephen Sherrill
Start savin' your pennies. Cheers and Jeers breaks new literary wind in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 6, 2006
Note: C&J contains no MSG. It does, however, contain just a weeee bit of the THC.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Christmas: 172
Days `til the Bangor State Fair: 22
Percent of high school kids who smoked in 1991: 70%
Percent of high schoolers who smoke today: 54%
(Source: CDC via The Week magazine)
Number of fake blogs created every day by websites to improve their search engine rankings: 6,750
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of letters in "Tsk Tsk": 6
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Now that's Bipartisanship.
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R.I.P. to Ken Lay. The Enron chief and close personal friend of George W. Bush died yesterday at 64 of a broken heart. Some Mainers died yesterday, too, including:
"Red" Whynot Jr., 78, who was the first semi-truck driver for Emery Waterhouse and spent 51 years there, logging 3.8 million miles of accident-free driving.
Leo Marin Jr., 71, who served as a flight commander in the Air Force for 12 years and another 11 in the Coast Guard.
Carolyn Corcoran, 82, who spent many years as a teacher, instilling the values of honesty and integrity in her students.
Pauline Cooper, 81, a Girl Scouts and Cub Scouts leader and past president of the MDI Hospital Auxiliary.
Don Bowden, 88, a W.W. II veteran who founded the first carwash in Bucksport and was a moderator of many town hall meetings.
Gerry Bates Jr., 80, a professional surveyor and engineer who managed the Maine Drinking Water Program and enforced the Federal Safe Drinking Act.
You'll forgive me, Kenny Boy, if I let these folks cut in line at the Pearly Gates.
JEERS to checkin' out early. While we're on the subject of death, we caught an embarrassing gaffe in Oliver Stone's commentary for the 20th anniversary DVD release of Platoon (still one helluva powerful movie). After confessing that Smokey Robinson's Tracks of My Tears was one of his favorite songs in `Nam, Stone laments the singer's recent death. One problem: Smokey is still alive and kickin'. Oops.
CHEERS to expanding your vacation options. Thanks to a state government shutdown in New Jersey, casinos are closed in Atlantic City, leaving gamblers with lots of time to stroll the Boardwalk, shop for souvenirs, lie on the beach, go to a... LOOK!! VEGAS SHUTTLE BUS!! OUTTA MY WAY, GRANDMA!! GO GO GO!!!
JEERS to the Catch-22 of the day. Before the U.S. occupation of Iraq, university students and professors in Baghdad could only study, teach and express pro-Baathist views, but they were safe. Post-occupation, they're able to study democracy and human rights, but now they're getting shot at. One thing is still consistent, though: the food still sucks.
JEERS to the part of personal irresponsibility. On this date in 1854 the Republican Party was Formed. It was all downhill after Lincoln.
CHEERS to droopy drawers. This is funny. Thieving thugs trying to escape the cops are often tripped up by their baggy pants:
"When they run, it makes our job easier," said Jim Matheny, a lieutenant with the Stamford, Conn., police department. ... "They go to take off and either they have to use their hands to hold their pants up or several times the pants just fell down around their knees and they had to stop running," Matheny said. "They spend all day thinking of ways to beat the police and then they go and put these pants on. It really handicaps them."
Which is why I only rob convenience stores in a Speedo.
CHEERS to Nancy Reagan. Today you get 85 stem cells on your birthday cake, ma'am. But only if your astrologer approves.
JEERS to bowling for bigots. In Lewiston, Maine, some knuckledragger rolled a frozen pig's head into a mosque during evening prayers. He claimed it was funny. As in, y'know, a joke. "Ha ha hee hee." His parents must be so proud.
JEERS to homeland security. Washington Post bombshell today says "A government consultant, using computer programs easily found on the Internet, managed to crack the FBI's classified computer system and gain the passwords of 38,000 employees, including that of FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III." This is just my opinion, but I don't think "fbidirectorrobertsmuelleriii" was a very bright choice. Sir.
CHEERS to the mighty greenback. On this date in 1785, Congress officially agreed that the unit of U.S. currency would be called "dollars." Or, as the rich like to call them, 'cigar lighters.'
YARRRGH! to teenage mutant rebel turtles: "I'm gettin' outta this two-bit loser town. I'm gonna make something of myself. I'm gonna design fashions that'll make their heads spin. I'll show `em...I'll show `em all. You'll see!" (I hope that shell is fireproof.)
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Two Years Ago in C&J: July 6, 2004...
CHEERS to the next Vice President of the United States. Kerry taps Edwards to be his Veep. As youthful and energetic as Dan Quayle, with one important addition: a brain. First order of business: Let him sniff one of Cheney's socks...then unhook his leash and let him go!! [7/6/06 Update: Well, it sounded good at the time.]
JEERS to Bill Frist. The GOP Senator says we must...must...pass a gay marriage amendment now! His air-tight logic: "Every day I put it off, more people get married." Did you ever think you'd see the day when that was a bad thing?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to 60 lashes with a soggy pretzel. This is a photo of George W. Bush holding a birthday cake on July 4th (today is the actual date of his hatching). He's sweating like a pig. Methinks perhaps he's having a flashback to the last time he got caught with a cake. Squirm, ya bastard, squirm.
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers is ironic, it's done with a wink. [But] it could go wrong, and you could look like Jeffrey Dahmer."
---Sara Ruffin Costello, creative director
Domino magazine
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