I have been hearing an increasing number of complaints about ill feelings among Kossacks and other junkies. There are queasy, disgusted feelings abroad, the sort of feelings one has just before violent fits of wretching. It's like a motion sickness due to sloshing of the brain while watching CNN, or reading NYT or WaPo.
Those in Iowa and, I suspect, New Hampshire, are most seriously affected. Everyday their TV sets and radios are loaded with back-to-back claims, counter-claims and accusations about Democratic personalities.
Did you know that Howard Dean supports Saddam? Or, is it Saddam endorses Dean? I can't figure out who is in league with Osama Bin Laden, but there are several suspects. Then, there's those folks that are against Unions, while others support those evil Trial Lawyers. Yes, folks, Satan is out there walking the land. In the land of the Music Man, there's sin! SIN, I say, right here in River City.
It's enough to make any righteous citizen swoon and tremble.
Despite it all, don't run for the toilets or hide in bed under the warm blankets (unless you're out of fuel this very cold winter).
The cure is really simple: YOU NEED EARPLUGS and 3D GLASSES. (CNN.com has instructions how to make 3D glasses from red and blue cellophane.) Once you are wearing your ear plugs and red/blue glasses, you'll stop feeling queasy.
Here's why the treatment works. The earplugs correct a problem caused by loud, high-pitched political flim-flammery that upsets the sensitive balance of your inner ear. Depending on how badly you're affected, sometimes all you need is ear muffs. This treatment will stop the feeling of swooning and nausea, and allow you to choose more reasonable tones.
The 3D glasses will give you the proper perspective on what's happening. Used properly, you will be able to see when red is masquerading as blue, and vice versa. These glasses will put all those running for President, and maybe some others, too, in their proper position. This sense of orderliness in the world will calm your fears, and allow you to make your way among them. Remember: all politicians emit hidden clues as to their true redness or blueness, which the 3D glasses expose. You cannot go wrong with the glasses.
If you follow my prescription, you will stop having heaves and signs, moans and groans. You won't get depressed, or feel you have to run to the nearest heave-ho joint. You won't even need medical (or other) marijuana to get through this sickie season.
In a few hours, you should be able to lead a reasonably normal life. You should be able to make rational choices.
In GONE WITH THE WIND, Scarlett at first wants to run after Rhett, but she finally settles on "Yes, of course, Tomorrow is another Day!"
I'm still for Dean, and Tomorrow is another Day.
