A few weeks ago, someone posted a diary on the Chris Brown/Rihanna alleged assault. As always, a Kossack registered a fairly common opinion: that there should have been signs before he hit her that he was violent. I am going to try to respond to that here.
Twenty years ago, I had a casual friend I’ll call Rachel , and she was the last person anyone would have thought would ever become a victim of domestic violence. Out-going and bubbly, she is frankly gorgeous, an cross between Cher in her Bob Mackie days and an Egyptian goddess, all sloe eyes, rippling black hair, killer body and long, long legs. I have seen her stop men in their tracks. But under the vivacity, there was a lack of confidence because, while she might be exotically beautiful, she wasn’t the Christie Brinkley type the magazines and billboards pushed on us, and she was shy about meeting new people, especially men.
We were all happy when she met a guy who was her counterpart. Big, blond and handsome in a clean-cut way, Bill (not his real name) seemed sweet and a little goofy and very solicitous of Rachel. He was romantic. He sent her flowers. He called her just to talk. He liked spending time with her, and not just in bed. But all was not what it seemed. And within 8 months of their first date, he hit her, and Racehl kicked him out of her life.
My first husband and I learned the whole story when, two weeks after the break-up, we attended a science fiction convention that both Rachel and Bill were at. And Bill was not taking no for an answer. He had been calling her for the preceding two weeks. At the convention, surrounded by two thousand other people, he kept "just happening to run into her". In other words, he was stalking her, and attempting to woo his way back into his life—very typical behavior for abusers after a violent incident. She asked my first (late) husband, a martial artist whom another pal once introduced with the words, "This is Tim. He knows a hundred different ways to hurt or kill you," to have a few words with him. Tim found Bill and made it clear that there were a lot of people who knew what he’d done and who were keeping an eye on Rachel, and that if he didn’t leave her alone, there would be consequences. The funny part about this is that I later heard Bill whining about how he was threatened and he was terrified he’d get beaten up. What made it amusing was that Bill was 6’4" and weighed in at about 200 pounds of solid muscle and worked out. A lot. Tim was 5’11", and on his heaviest day weighed 150. But he was able to put the fear of Deity into Bill, and he left Rachel alone after that.
Unlike many accounts of DV, this one had a happy ending.
None of us saw the abuse coming, not even her best friend. Bill just seemed like such a nice guy, sweet and genuinely caring. Looking back, though, a lot of what seemed like positive traits were actually warning signs—and that is why women don’t see it coming, why they don’t recognize Prince Charming as a violent batterer. A lot of their early behaviors, precisely the things that should be red flags, seem wonderful—at first. Only later are they recognized for what they truly are.
I’ve compiled a list of Early Warning Signs from several websites like this. this, this and this I will attempt to show why even smart women often don’t see Mr. Wrong for what he truly is. They are the victims of extremely intelligent anmanipulative con men who make Bernie Madoff look like an amateur.
Whirlind Romance Many abusers are socially adept, manipualtive and very, very charming. They know how to woo a woman with all the trimmings. They shower her with attention—compliments, flowers, phone calls "just to talk". They aren’t afraid to tell her they love her early on, and they seem like Mr. Nice Guy. Most of her friends will like him, as will her family, because part of the wooing process is getting them to like him. This is why people—including old friends and family—are often so shocked when the truth comes out. The key point here is that he moves too fast, and becomes emotionally involved too quickly.
. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.
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It’s very easy to get lured in by this type of man. Women complain to their friends all the time about guys who wait till Thursday night to ask them out for Friday. A man who calls on Monday to make a date for Friday is a wonderful change—it sounds like he realizes you might actually have other plans if he waits too long. Another thing I’ve heard friends talk about is the emotionally distant man—the one who panics if you mention a friend getting engaged, or breaks out in hives if you tell him you care about him. Or the commitmentphobe who, after a year of steady dating, still can’t bring himself to leave a toothbrush and a razor at your place, let alone admit to being in love. After years of dating distant, unemotional men, someone who talks about his feelings is a relief. After having your guy forget your birthday and Valentine’s Day two years in a row, a man who sends you flowers for no reason does seem a lot like Prince Charming. And unafraid to meet your friends and family? A mensch. And there really are guys like that—I married two of them—who are just what they seem. It can be very hard to tell the Real Deal from an abuser in a clever disguise. That is precisely what happened to Rachel.
The key is that it all happens way too quickly. He rushes his fences. The problem is that it doesn’t seem that way to the woman being wooed.
Isolation The abuser begins to isolate his victim from friends and family, like a predator separating his chosen prey from the herd. Should be obvious, right? Often, though, it isn’t. He just wants to spend as much time with you as he can—the whole weekend and a couple of evenings a week. You don’t even realize you’re not seeing old friends like you used to—especially female friends who provide a support network. A lot of women don’t even notice it because they’re accustomed to shunting their girlfriends aside when they’re starting a new relationship. And after dating a bunch of guys who are so skittish about commitment that they can hardly manage to call you until the night before they want to go out, someone who wants to hang out, eat pizza and watch DVDs is a great change. By the time you realize that you haven’t had lunch with your best pal or gone to see a movie with another close friend in months, you often feel too ashamed to call them—and you’re already isolated.
Criticism Abusers often alternate between flattery and criticism. In the beginning the criticism is framed as flattery—"You’ve got beautiful hair. Maybe if you didn’t pull it back?" Or they make suggestions on your wardrobe, buying you things or pulling out clothing for you to try on. Often they have pretty good taste, so it can be easy to go along with it, until they’ve made you over into DV Barbie.
Again, it can be hard to recognize. There are actually men who like to shop and who have a sense of style. My husband The Packhorse who spent 23 years in the Navy enjoys shopping and has great taste. The only time I’ve returned something is because it didn’t fit—and usually he’s got a better sense of my size than I do. He’s one of the few men I know who doesn’t break into a sweat at Victoria’s Secret or women’s clothing stores. In fact, when we lived in ME in the early 90s, he made friends with the clerks at the Maidenform Outlet Store, and they’d call him when new things came in. I’d get amazing gifts! While his type is rare, they do exist, and a lot of us are thrilled to find a guy who doesn’t hide in the tool section at Sears when we go to the mall.
After a while, though Mr. Abuser isn’t happy with just occasional suggestions. He will throw her things away. He will send her back to change her dress if it’s too revealing—or not sexy enough. He’ll start in on her behavior—too flirtatious, too assertive, to unfeminine. Eventually this criticism destroys her self confidence. And it’s all so gradual she doesn’t realize it’s happening until she believes she’s such a mess that no one but he can love her.
Jealousy He tends not to like your male friends. He gets a little uncomfortable when you flirt or even talk to other men—but not to the point of making you uncomfortable. Only later, when he has isolated you, does he fly into rages. And, unfortunately, all too often, in our society, a man is expected to be a little jealous, so we ignore it unless it gets really out of hand.
Control All the behaviors described above are the methods he uses to get control of her life. Once he has her firmly under his thumb he will progress to stalking her—calling her at work to make sure she’s there, checking the mileage on the car to make sure she didn’t go anywhere but work. Once she is isolated and demoralized, then and only then will the physical violence begin.
What I am trying to make clear is that abusers don’t seem like abusers in the beginning. After awhile, all those flattering behaviors that made him Prince Charming will escalate into something ugly and destructive.
Why was Rachel fooled? Well, he wooed her. And the criticism was flattering, helpful even. And he wanted to see a lot of her, also very flattering. Eventually, though he began to carp about her appearance. Her nose was too big. Her thighs were too muscular. She dressed too sluttily. She flirted. She was too moody and difficult, a diva. After months of non-stop work, he began to convince her she was too flawed for guys to want her, that only he could love her. Then he started in on her behavior and her character flaws. By the time he hit her that first and only time, he had utterly destroyed her self esteem and convinced her that she was fat and ugly and not very nice. It worked because what he said just reinforced society’s stereotypes. Beautiful though she was, she wasn’t beautiful in the right way, the way the magazines and ads said you had to be. She had a slender, curvy body, well-toned and muscular—but the look you saw in Vogue was a stick figure, and she felt fat. She bought into what he said because he knew what buttons to push, and society also pushed those buttons.
Fortunately, when he struck her, her eyes opened, and she saw him for what he was. She left his apt. And told him if he came to her place, she’d call the police and get a restraining order. She called old friends, and actually stayed with one for a week to drive the message home. And she made it stick. When he called, she saw it was him and refused to pick up. And when their paths crossed at the convention she had someone else deliver a message: that if he harassed her again, she had friends and she’d call the police.
She wasn’t stupid when she fell for him. Bill was an actor capable of an Oscar-winning performance for a much smaller audience. He was a master con man. It’s amazing that we feel sympathy for the victims of a Ponzi scheme operator like Madoff—but, all to often, not for battered women because "theyshould have seen it coming." In the case of Chris Brown’s alleged abuse of Rihanna, he fooled not only her, but the fans, the media and some pretty big corporations who hired him as a pitchman. He was Mr. Nice Guy. If they all fell for it, it’s no wonder that a twenty-one-year-old girl did too.
And that is why women don’t recognize the red flags for what they are: they don’t look like red flags. They look like roses.