I rarely post diaries to DK. Too many other great ones out there to read and besides (as those who know me are aware) I am usually much more at ease expressing myself verbally than I am writing but today-Mothers Day 2009 has brought out the need to express myself in writing.
I have two sons. Carl is almost 22 and Jason will be 14 in a couple of weeks. They are the wonderful result of my not so wonderful first marriage. Having so many years between them often made me feel like I was raising two "only children", LOL! Carl, tall and slender and obviously intelligent. Too smart for school sometimes. He underachieved, in part, because he wasn't challenged by public education and was easily bored. Jason, shorter, stouter with learning disabilities that were subtle and not easily diagnosed and therefore not easy for educators to deal with. Both incredibly funny souls although Carl has always been the more serious of the two.
My marriage to their father was not great. We began growing apart in so many ways and eventually I found that he wasn't willing to even attempt to meet me halfway to make it work-so we ended it. We both made our share of mistakes and while many would say I wasted 15 years on the marriage for nothing I remind them of my wonderful children.
Carl and Jason have always had problems getting along. No big surprise as Carl was the center of everything for so long. Then I became pregnant again and he was very excited. Sadly I lost that pregnancy when I was around 5 months along. He was devastated and when we told him a year later that once again there was going to be a sibling-he didn't seem to be very interested. Once Jason did arrive, Carl was enchanted for a while-until Jason was old enough to start getting into his stuff and then he was ready for him to "go back"! Carl was often embarrassed by Jason's learning issues and rarely if ever spent any time with him. For his part Jason would purposely destroy Carl's things in an attempt to get ANY attention from him that he could. Their father was of no help during these times and in fact refused to believe Jason was learning disabled feeling he instead had "behavior" issues. About the time Carl turned 13 his father and I called it quits. Carl took it badly. On the one hand he knew it wasn't working but he loved his father. Jason (now 6) hardly knew his father. Our marriage really began falling apart after his birth so he handled it better. I met my current husband less than a year after my ex and I split. Not wanting to expose my children to someone who might or might not be permanent I dated him for several months before introducing them. First dinner and one of the Spy Kids movies. Then a trip out to a state park to look at the sky with telescopes. I knew I was in trouble when Jason climbed up in his lap and stayed all evening:-) My husband and Jason are so alike that most people assume they are biologically father and son. He and Carl also got along well those first couple of years but then the teen years really took their toll.
My ex spent little time with his children for the next few years although he lived less than 30 miles away. He would see them on their birthdays and maybe Christmas. He also remarried to a woman with no children. When Carl decided to join the Air Force his father suddenly found him interesting again. Not Jason though. My ex would come over to the house to pick Carl up to take him out often in front of Jason and make promises to come back another time and do something with him. He made lots of promises to him that he never followed though with. He took Carl to Hawaii for graduation and has flown him to see his family in Florida repeatedly over the years. Jason hasn't seen that part of his family since 2002. I have tried never to begrudged Carl the attention from his father although it always made my blood boil to see Jason treated so badly. Carl knows how much it hurts me and Jason but I guess he doesn't feel he can turn away from his father. It will therefore come as no surprise to anyone to know that the relationship between Carl and Jason deteriorated even further as Jason lashed out in anger over the obvious fact that Carl was the favorite child where his father (and his father's family) was concerned and he wasn't. Before he went into the Air Force things also became strained between Carl, myself, and my husband. At one point he was told to go and live with his father if he didn't like the rules of the house and he did for about 6 months or so. My husband (who had no biological children of his own) was so strong for me during those times as I struggled to deal with the myriad of emotions that ran through me from anger to guilt.
Carl entered the Air Force (and I am so proud of him and yet terrified because he will probably be deployed later this year) and he continues to amaze me with his intellect. Jason is now ready for High School. He still struggles with learning and we have decided to home school him starting next year. Although he still struggles with abandonment issues where his bio dad as he calls him is concerned, he seems to have reached a place where he doesn't let color his every waking moment like he used to. Carl still comes home often since he is stationed just a couple of hours away and he still enjoys attention from his father and his father's family while Jason seems to be an after thought.
Now I am to the reason for this diary. It's Mother's Day. Carl came into town this morning and he brought me flowers. I know he is almost 22 but this is the first time he has ever brought his mother flowers on his own:-) Jason and my husband put their heads together and sent me funny e cards and ordered a gift I have been coveting for some time that is, of course, back ordered. Usually there is acrimony with these three Y chromosomes. Jason bothers Carl-Carl blows him off. Jason retaliates-my husband tried to intervene and smooth things over. We usually end up with some raised voices and hurt feelings. But today was different. I noticed this morning that Carl asked Jason if he wanted to go with him to run an errand. Later Jason showed his brother his latest drawings and Carl actually looked at them and made suggestions. Both boys are very good at drawing. We decided to go see the Star Trek movie which was really not MY choice but the movie exceeded my expectations. When we got to the movie theater Carl and Jason sat together while my husband and I sat in another part of the theater. This was unprecedented and Carl's choice! The boys had a great time during the movie. Not a single cross word between them the whole day!
We then had a late lunch together and again they sat beside each other and didn't pick on each other the entire time! I don't know if Carl was purposely making this effort or not. Maybe he's just maturing. I didn't ask-but it was the best Mother's Day present ever!!!!