Like most people with opposable thumbs, I've never really watched an entire episode of the O'Reilly Factor. Sure, I've caught snippets here and there, but only enough to get my blood boiling and the remote clicking over to Most X-Treme Elimination Challenge.
Nevertheless, in an act of sado-masochism and having nothing else to do on a Thursday night, I decided to sit down and have an evening in the No Spin Zone. Just me, Billy Boy, and a woefully inadequate 12-pack of Miller Light. What follows is a running diary of my nightmarish experience.
Click for more at your own risk.
7:58: I pregame with a little Shepherd Smith, who is talking in oh-so-hushed tones about the Pope's funeral. Smith is also doing a fine job of dealing with this grave situation while simultaneously promoting FoxNews' coverage of the Pope's funeral:
Shep, in a chirpy tone: "Tune in tomorrow for the wake! Followed by Studio B with Shepherd Smith! Right here on your source for Fair and Balanced news!"
Shep two seconds later, much more gravely: "A sad occassion here in Rome. Good night and God Bless."
The downside to all of this is that O'Reilly will probably focus exclusively on the Pope's death.
8:00: NOPE! The Factor lead states that Bill will "uncover" the real story behind the border-patrolling Minute Men, a "major pot problem" in San Francisco, and, of course, Ward Churchill, who at this point must be made of 98% straw.
8:01: The O'Reilly Factor graphic swoops majestically onto the screen, a mix of curvy red lines in 3-D and Bill's logo. I'm pretty sure some stoner designed this intro after waching "Tron" and thinking how bitching it would be with curved lines instead of straight ones.
8:01: Bill leads off the show with his "Talking Points Memo", which reminds me of cult meeting, but without the hot chicks.
Bill says: "The left is bad to criticize the Minute Men."
Screen reads: "The left is bad to criticize the Minute Men."
Bill says: "If they don't have an immigration plan of their own, they have no right to chastise."
Screen reads: "If they don't have an immigration plan of their own, they have no right to chastise."
I feel dumber for having watched this. Bill could just start singing "Farmer in the Dell" and I'd love it.
Bill says: "It is the Factor's opinion that the mouse takes the cheesë."
Screen reads: "It is the Factor's opinion that the mouse takes the cheesë."
8:05: Hey, we're joined by Kris Kobach, former counsel to John Ashcroft! O'Reilly declares firmly that "the ACLU doesn't care about drug smuggling or illegal immigration." Kobach nods in agreement and lauds the Factor's ability to, and I quote, "project power across the globe".
8:06: "Project power across the globe"...damn, there are too many falafel jokes running through my head right now to accurately criticize this statement.
8:08: Man, that slowly rotating FoxNews logo cube is hypnotizing. Just once, I'd like to see O'Reilly shut up and reach out his right hand to give the cube a gentle rub.
Again, too many falafel jokes are running through my mind.
8:09: Mercifully, Bill takes a commercial break. The first three commercials are for a Soy and Canola Baking Oil, Suzuki, and Putnam Investing. Which confirms my suspicions that Factor viewers are all effete liberal elites writing running diaries about the Factor.
8:11: Shooting in Maryland! Bombing in the Middle East! Michael Jackson looks creepy! This has been your Fox News update.
8:12: It's the Factor's "Impact Segment". Geez, and I was expecting a "soft, cushioned blow report". Silly me.
Anyway, Bill has on Michael Novak, who is described as...get this..."Fox News Papal Analyst". And we wonder why the Daily Show is so spot on.
8:13: The text under Novak's name now reads "Michael Novak: Friend of Pope John Paul"...man, this guy has it all!
8:14: "Michael Novak: Flew to Rome Aboard Air Force One"
8:15: "Michael Novak: Plans to Attend Pope's Funeral"
8:16: At this point, I'm kind of tuned out, imagining funny things to put under Bill's name. A few thoughts:
"Bill O'Reilly: A Little Douchy"
"Bill O'Reilly: Calls Collect"
"Bill O'Reilly: Just Farted"
8:18: Hey, did you know that the Pope was for the Iraq War after all? Bill takes the time to pitch his website and New York Post column before informing us that "based on his investigation", the Pope was "out of it" during the lead up to war and just delegated authority. Micahel Novak: Friend of John Paul II completely disagrees.
Nice "investigation", dipshit. Maybe next time you can look into why Bugs Meany couldn't have stolen candy from Encyclopedia Brown, because he was "too busy watching penguins at the North Pole". Man, O'Reilly is a turd.
8:19: Commercial break. The next two minutes of my life finally puts the "Which is better: urinating or watching Bill O'Reilly?" debate to rest.
8:22: Personal Story Segment! Man, Bill is pissed off. Something about prison lovers, a woman not being charged as an accessory to prison escape...honestly, I'm kind of focused on the cube now.
8:23: Bill says condescendingly, "yeah, she's suffering from Stockholm Syndrome alright". That quote has to be the funniest punchline I've ever heard to a joke that doesn't exist.
8:24: Bill says (and I SWEAR I'm quoting directly): "I don't like to convict people on TV. But she's guilty."
This man is a comedic genius.
8:25: We're almost halfway through the Factor, and I must say this--the logos underneath the talking heads are far more interesting than the actual program. We have the Fox News cube rotating clockwise on the left side of the screen, a circular "O'Reilly Factor" logo rotating counterclockwise on the right side of the screen, and some Curvy Tron lines floating about in the ether between the two. I feel like I dropped some acid and started watching Richard Mellon Scaife-funded Anime.
8:27: Thankfully, another commercial break. Our intrepid hero moves on to beer #4.
8:28: Terri Schiavo's brother and sister are on Hannity & Colmes tonight. You know, after watching Splotchy McGee for a half hour, Sean doesn't look that bad.
8:29: Angela Alioto, former member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, joins the Factor. Her husband used medicinal marijuana before his death from stomach cancer. O'Reilly claims that he is "all for" medicinal marijuana, but is concerned because his producer went to a clinic in LA and bought pot for $275 dollars from a doctor. Bill is incensed at this. I have two things to add:
- Why the fuck is Bill sending his producers out to break the law? Again, this man is the main ingredient in a Feces Colada.
- Who the hell buys pot for TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS? Stoners are at least smart shoppers.
8:32: A contractually-mandated O'Reilly rant about George Soros' desire to force children to smoke marijuana
8:33: Coming up after the break: the No Spin Showdown! Featuring Bill and Ward Churchill's attourney.
On a side note, I would pay good money to see a REAL WWF-style showdown with Bill, Ludacris, Ward Churchill and George Soros. Although I fear that Bill's wrestling persona would be something extremely lame, like "The Scrappy Irishman" or "The Angry Liver Spot".
8:37: I don't know where the Factor's intro music ends and cheesy Baywatch-montage-guitar riffs begin.
8:38: Bill welcomes Ward Churchill's attourney, and immediately takes on the straight-talking, plain folk style that we love about O'Reilly:
Bill: "I don't have anything personal against Ward Churchill. I just think he's a pinhead."
Again, this man is a comedic genius.
8:39: Alright, I'll come out and say it: Ward Churchill looks like Herman Munster, but with the hairstyle of any member of Hanson.
8:43: About two minutes ago, O'Reilly said that "you'd need proof if you claimed you were a Martian". I've spent the last 2 minutes thinking about wacky situations involving Kazoo and the INS...sorry, I'll try to focus better.
8:45: Apparantly, Ward Churchill sells art forgeries, or so Bill claims. Geez...at this pace, Bill will soon demand proof that Churchill wasn't the much-rumored "Third Gunman" at the McKinley assassination.
8:48 Hey, it's Lisa Ling! She used to be on the View and Channel One news! And now she made a documentary about prison culture.
8:50: Bill gets pissed off at the "thugs" in the prison system, and then admits that he hasn't taken the time to see Ling's documentary of prison culture. I understand how he couldn't find the time to watch it--Bill is too busy "investigating" scoring pot in LA and making shit up about the Pope.
8:52: Bill cuts to commercial, telling us that we "Won't believe our most Ridiculous Item of the Day".
I'd like to nominate the last 52 minutes of my life for that award.
8:54 A commercial is on that features Cheech Marin standing in front of a large portrait of Cheech Marin.
This commercial is for Target.
(I feel cold...sooooo cold...)
8:55: Most ridiculous item of the day is...SHARKS! Man, didn't see that coming. According to Bill, Florida's sharks are "cruising for action, just like the people are." This guy is hilarious.
8:57: Bill reads a bunch of letters--who the hell writes these things?
8:59: A guy who says that Delay was right to pay his family a half million, that's who.
9:00: 9 PM! WOOOO! I have never been so happy to see Sean Hannity! I love you Alan! I love you Sean! I did it, man! WOOOO!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shower.