I'll probably delete this when I come to my senses but for now it's better than just sitting and crying.
The last three and a half months have felt like absolute hell for me but nothing, nothing at all has prepared me for the last three days which truly would seem to redefine the meaning of hell,
My mother had a sub-arachnoid hemorrhage in early October we were told all along that while there was a danger of the worst happening there was a good chance she would make a good recovery, and eventually she started to after 2 and half months in intensive care she went to neurological rehab and was making really good progress, she recognized all of us she loved all of us - she was still confused but we were told things would get better.
Then she got ill with a virus, the hospital didn't allow visitors because they feared it spreading, we were assured she was getting looked after, on early Saturday morning we received a phone call - she had had a cardiac arrest, it took 40 minutes to get her heart beating again so off to intensive care again although this time the doctor said he would bet against her rather than for her.
They spent the last two days cooling her (to protect the brain and organs) today was the big day and the news is mostly bad, she can longer squeeze our hands she doesn't respond, but I can see her eyes looking at me and a tear rolled out of her eye when I was crying, the nurses are not optimistic neither it has to be said am I, the thought of her coping with the damage caused by the hemorrhage was bad enough, but this, I really don't know my heart is broken into a million pieces.
My mother is a wonderful wonderful person everyone who met her was fond of her I love her more than anything the thought of carrying on without her is just so unbelievably unbearable. I feel lost and completely desolate I think the last months have taken a huge toll on me but for it to end like this is beyond my worst nightmares.
I don't want to continue every minute feels like torture I can't sleep I can't do anything I just sit and cry occasionally I scream. I'm a man I shouldn't be reacting like this but I've always been emotional and I've always felt things deeply. There's a small part of me that's still scared by the resignation and despair I feel
I really tonight don't feel like it's worth going on. There are so many things that I've not done that I just can't imagine doing without my mother I just can't imagine.I also feel horribly horribly ungrateful for the time when she was better recently I've been very upset anyway - part of it I was told was a delayed shock reaction and part was distress at seeing her confused. She was getting better and she was practically stolen from us now and unnecessarily The worst part is that I feel like the next few days are going to be even worse and I just can't cope with it any more.
I'm sorry for writing such a completely off topic diary and for darkening anyone's day I don't even know what I want to achieve by this but I want to get these feelings out there somewhere because I feel like I'm going completely crazy,
I hurt