From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You:
10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping
9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes
8. Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street
7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out
6. You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video"
5. Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record"
4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room
3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico"
2. You googled a recipe for hummus and the FBI raided your house
1. [You] suddenly discover there's an antenna bolted to your ass
---Late Show with David Letterman
I upgraded to a satellite dish---much better reception. ("Right, Chico??!!") Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 19, 2006
Note: C&J will be taking a time-out on Tuesday. We will return on Wednesday the 24th. Let the gnashing of teeth begin.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the YearlyKos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 20
Days `til the legendary La Kermesse Festival in Biddeford: 34
Days `til the vote on gay marriage in the U.S. Senate: 17-22
Percent of women who say they'd rather be poor and slim than rich and overweight: 63%
Percent of men who say the same thing: 55%
(Source: USA Today/Fitness magazine via The Week)
And from the Department of No-Land Security:
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,523
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: How doggie journalists get their scoops: "So we get outta the limo, right? And Foggo says to Nine Fingers, `I've never seen a hooker do that with a poker chip!' And then Nine Fingers says..."
(More cute pics at Sheba the pug's blog)
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CHEERS to CIA Director-to-be Michael Hayden. We were skeptical during the early part of yesterday's confirmation hearings. But when we found out---via Mark Fiore---that General Hayden's deputy is going to be Snuggly the Security Bear, we flipped. Breathe easy, America---everything is snuggly and secure!!
P.S. Get that finger outta your mouth, General...you don't know where that finger's been.
JEERS to the new border patrol cadet. And we wonder why the Mexicans are laughin' at us. "Can ya....can ya pop a wheelie?? Heh heh heh..."
CHEERS to George Will. It's always nice when someone slips a conservative a civility pill:
An aggressively annoying new phrase in America's political lexicon is "values voters." It is used proudly by social conservatives, and carelessly by the media to denote such conservatives.
This phrase diminishes our understanding of politics. It also is arrogant on the part of social conservatives and insulting to everyone else because it implies that only social conservatives vote to advance their values and everyone else votes to...well, it is unclear what they supposedly think they are doing with their ballots. [...]
Attempts to assign values-seriousness can get complicated: Freedom and happiness are valuable. Arguably, governmental actions that did much to increase freedom and happiness in the past half-century were state laws liberalizing divorce. These made important contributions to the emancipation of men and especially women from mistaken marriages. Perhaps the most important of these laws---it was among the most liberal and was in the most populous state---was signed by a divorced governor, Ronald Reagan. What do socially conservative values voters make of that ?
I dunno. It's hard to understand `em when their heads pop off their bodies.
HEH to the Boy Wonder's Blunder. 13 years ago, VP Dan Quayle cited Murphy Brown as a poor example of family values. I'd wish him a happy anniversary, but I forget which rock he's under.
JEERS to the gay phantom menace. The U.S. Senate---that bastion of decorum and solemnity---has officially slated a vote three weeks from now to write discrimination into the Constitution (shame on today's Portland Press Herald for not running a story on it). This is cut-and-pasted directly from the amendment document:
"Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a wombat. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a wombat."
Ruh Roh. One more unemployed transcriptionist in the world this morning.
CHEERS to D.C. High. Yesterday's senate amendment-markup meeting---held in the cramped President's Bedroom so as to keep the press and public out---produced this exchange between senior Arlen Specter and sophomore Russ Feingold:
"If you wanna leave, good riddance!"
"See ya---wouldn't wanna be ya!!"
"Mary Lou told me you were a jerk..."
"Mary Lou got kicked off the cheerleading squad because you gave her ephedra!"
"Lame-O!"
"Jackoff!"
"Go then!"
"I will!"
"You don't have the guts!"
"Watch me!"
"If you walk out that door...!"
[SLAM!]
"I don't... need... you..."
Oh, they are so going to the prom together.
JEERS to the Weather Channel. Now that they've been scooped by Pat Robertson's latest meteorological predictions channeled directly from God (sample: "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest"), they're pretty much out of business. Waaaaait a minute---tsunami in the Pacific Northwest?? God...you're fired. [Update: We've been informed that a tsunami could, indeed, strike the Pacific Northwest. But God is still fired---for hanging around people like Pat Robertson.]
CHEERS to the courage to not fight. On May 19, 1774, the first Shakers sailed to America from England. During the Revolution they refused to fight and were jailed, making them our first conscientious objectors. And you thought they just made nifty furniture...
JEERS to playground bullies. A playground in Illinois will be changed because one parent complained about a concrete floor-tile pattern that was in the shape of a pentagram. All the affected children will be entitled to free cosmetic cloven-hoof surgery.
UH OH to Rick Santorum's heart. It's gonna blow when he reads this: back in the day, humans and chimps used to---um---have relations. Of course that never happens today. The chimps figured out we're a bunch of jerks who never call.
CHEERS to Al Franken. The Van Helsing of the left turns 55 Sunday. Here's to the exposure of "Lies!" and promotion of "The Truth---With Jokes" for many years to come.
JEERS to Opus Dei Dullsville. How bad is "Blockbuster of the Century" The Da Vinci Code? Let me put it this way: apparently we can add a newbie to the list of deadly sins: Boredom. Let me guess, Ron and Tom: the devil made ya do it.
CHEERS to lifting the bun off the McFecalmatter sandwich. If you liked the movie Super Size Me, you'll drool over Fast Food Nation, based on Eric Schlosser's best-seller. (Watch the trailer here.) Fresh steamed broccoli never tasted so good.
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 19, 2005:
CHEERS to literally supporting the troops. Chuck O'Brien went from creating fake cadavers on `CSI' to creating life-like prosthetics for injured vets of the Iraq war. Sure beats the hell out of a yellow car magnet.
JEERS to Bush family values. Guess who's coming to dinner at the White House? A porn star! Says Mary Carey: "I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove. Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad!" Pass the asparagus, please...and the lube.
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And just one more...
YICK to nocturnal emissions. Click on this link---if you dare---to see Bill O'Reilly spending some cuddle time with the missus. My sympathy for her knows no bounds.
Have a great weekend---maybe go kick the soccer ball around with some friends. Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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