At the very moment that the Democrats may move to abolish the military’s anti-gay “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy, (see Joan McCartér’s “DADT Repeal Prospects Look Good”), Christine O’Donnell is crafting her first piece of proposed Senate legislation to be introduced in her current U.S. Senate campaign.
Referred to by O’Donnell insiders as the “Don’t Touch, Tell All” policy, it would require the military to prohibit all sexual self-stimulation, including masturbation, in its ranks on pain of dismissal from the military.
O’Donnell’s proposed regulation would require all military personnel, married and unmarried, to submit to weekly polygraph questioning on the subject of their personal sexual habits, especially instances of self-stimulation.
Similar to Scientology’s auditing process, all military personnel would be questioned about their sexual practicing during the previous week. Those who truthfully admitted to instances of masturbation would be given a demerit for each instance of masturbation. Those admitting to more than eight instances of masturbation in any six month period would be placed on probationary status, while a score of 12 or higher would mandate automatic dismissal from the service. (Demerits could be removed from a service member’s record by his/her providing documentary or video proof of equivalent instances of male-female sexually procreative practice).
Those who appear to be giving deceptive answers to the weekly sexual questioning would be automatically re-tested. Persons scoring as deceptive on three or more sessions of polygraph testing would be summarily dismissed from the service without benefits.
All new military recruits would be automatically tested as a part of the induction process. Those who register as multiple masturbators as well as those who are found to be deceptive, would be excluded from the services.
In addition to polygraph testing for sexual purity, the O’Donnell legislation calls for the use of video cameras in all military shower rooms and dormitories to discourage use of those venues for unsavory sexual practices. Possession of all sexually explicit reading and viewing material would also be severely circumscribed.
O’Donnell’s advisers admit that this new legislation might severely reduce the number of persons qualified for entry into military service and might also result in a sizeable reduction in the numbers of our currently serving forces, but claim that having a sexually pure armed forces would more than compensate for the loss of those service members who are so morally deficient as to engage in self-stimulation and similar non-procreative sexual practices, such as goat fucking.
In support of her legislation, Ms. O’Donnell commented that she doesn’t advocate ramming her proposed regulation down the throats of the military, but the gradual introduction of increasingly severe penalties for service members who refuse to adjust to the new policy. Thus, her proposal would initially not call for slicing off offending military members during the first two years of the program, to provide for an adjustment period, but thereafter it might be gradually introduced.
When asked to comment on the proposed policy, a spokesman for the Taliban (Afghanistan division), remarked that such a policy, while admirable in conception, might adversely affect the moral of their guerrilla fighters and their pet goats, so it might not be culturally appropriate for their own members.
Leaders of the American Taliban, on the other hand, expressed over-whelming support for the “Don’t Touch, Tell All” policy, calling it “an important step forward in winnowing out the forces of evil from the midst of our defenders of purity and the American, democratic way. “We see this as a good way to increase the number of children born to the pure in mind, a helpful step to reduce the relative population of perverts, RINOs (Republicans in Name Only) and Democrats.
Pentagon officials, who did not wish to be named because not authorized to comment, expressed fear that the proposed policy would virtually wipe out our ability to defend democracy in foreign wars. “What the fuck was this woman thinking?” asked one high ranking defense official, “Is she some kind of peacenik? She’s trying to wipe-out every red-blooded member we have!”