From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
NOVEMBER 2: VOTE for DEMOCRATS
Okay, America, you've rightfully made your point quite clear. You're mad. Angry. Pissed. Disappointed. Confused. Scared. Poorer. Joblesser. And because Democrats control Congress and the White House, you're planning to either vote for Republicans out of anger or no one at all out of indifference. Gotcha.
Lemme tell you something. I'm pissed, too. At the politicians, sure, but also at you. Because you may be about to make one of the most misguided mistakes in modern history by turning over the reins to the Republicans at a time when we can least afford to have 'em running around with gavels in their hands.
Read this carefully: the only time we can ever afford to have modern-day Republicans in power is when things are already really, really good. Then, when they immediately start fucking things up---as they inevitably will---we can at least absorb the blow and survive. But as of today things still suck really bad. And with Republicans in power you can count on things sucking even worse---as in, down the drain.
Republican leadership amounts to giving millionaires daily tongue baths and turning everything over to the private sector so that America becomes the Land of the Almighty Shareholder. That worked out real well in September, 2008---the month the GOP-loving Wall Street slicksters turned the gleaming American dream into a pile of rubble.
Republican ideology is made of "facts" they conjure out of bullshit, which they make palatable by throwing them into Rupert Murdoch's Easy-to-Half-Bake media oven and coating 'em with globs of red, white and blue Freedom Frosting and a bunch of sparkly candles of mass distraction. Yum---brainwash cake is so dewicious!
Oh, and Republicans think it's cute to make a game out of saying NO to everything, even good things and useful things and responsible things that would've made life a little better or easier for you and me. Isn’t that helpful! Y'know what intelligent people call someone who runs around saying NO to everything all the time? A three-year-old who needs a nap.
Republicans' words, their deeds, their plans and their actual record of accomplishment are what landed us in our current shithole. All modern Republican leaders know how to do is steal from the poor, give to the rich, foist their angry god on everyone, and break things. That seems to be their reason for being. (And those rare GOP candidates who have a sliver of decency in them? You may have noticed they're getting booted left and right by their own people---the ones who dress up like George Washington and threaten armed revolution if they don’t get their way.)
The Democratic leadership is guilty of sucking, too, no doubt. But here's the difference: Republicans want to prevent or reverse progress, Democrats actually make progress...just too slowly for our liking.
The stimulus was too small. It only created or saved over 3,000,000 jobs, prevented a wholesale depression, and fixed a whole bunch of broken stuff that Republicans ignored when they were in power. (And you do realize that a third of the money was in the form of almighty tax cuts, right?)
The recovery is taking too long...even though any sane person knows that the damage was so bad that we'll be lucky to emerge from it in, say, five years even under the best of circumstances. At what point do We The People finally get it into our heads that instant gratification is pretty much limited to junk food and masturbation? We're suffering now because we were encouraged to not think beyond our next credit card transaction. I still remember the previous Republican president giving us executive orders to go shopping, shopping, shopping and home buying, home buying, home buying. And we did. And now...here we are.
The health care bill wasn't grand enough, even though tomorrow, September 23, is the day when parents can start keeping their kids on their policies through age 26, when you can no longer get kicked off your policy because you get sick, when you'll no longer bump into lifetime coverage limits, and when kids can't be denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition. The mandate forcing us to buy health insurance, which kicks in a few years from now, worries me, I'll admit. But look at the good that lies in just those four benefits above. That's some serious ulcer prevention right there, man.
So progress by the Democratic leadership is too slow. I agree. It is. But it's progress. Vote for Republicans and we get a minimum of two years of no progress. Hell, they're slappin' themselves on the back for their brilliant plan to shut off the lights and go golfing if they take back the House. That's right---they're advertising that a vote for Republicans is a vote to shut down the government. You'd have to be off yer rocker to think that's a good thing.
The United States government is fucking frustrating to watch. It really is. It's populated with wankers on both sides working under often-batty rules and they drive everyone crazy. But one side gets good stuff done and one side doesn't. One side cares about you and one side really doesn't. Both sides get massive pressure from billionaires and corporations to do their bidding (against you!), but only one side puts up something resembling resistance. One side embraces equality for minorities and one side certainly does not. One side embraces real science and one side embraces junk science. One side doesn't believe in scaring the pants off you any which way it can and the other side can't go a day without doing it (Gay marriage will destroy civilization! The smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud! Obama wants to impose Sharia law!). Guess which side is which?
There is nothing rah-rah about these midterm elections, America. Nothing. It's just not that kind of year. If I don’t see a single piece of confetti or hear one brass band I won’t care in the least. All I want is for you and everyone in your sphere of influence to circle November 2 on your calendars and vote to keep Democrats in the majority. If you do, we'll continue our slow but steady recovery despite the lockstep obstruction the minority Republicans will keep throwing up. If you don't, well, we won't.
Love him or hate him, President Obama is right about one thing: When you put your car in "D" and hit the gas it goes forward. When you put it in "R" and hit the gas you go backwards. And if John Boehner or Mitch McConnell are at the wheel, they'll back us right off a cliff. I know this for a fact because, at 46, I'm old enough to know from experience that that's...what...Republicans...do.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Note: I delivered the above rant while wearing a red foam clown nose. Funny!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time ends: 46
Days `til the Hola Festival in Knoxville, Tennessee: 17
Time autumn rolls in tomorrow morning: 3:09
Number of industrial facilities found by the EPA to have been in continuous violation of the Clean Air Act since 2007: 2,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of countries in which homosexuality is a crime punishable by death: 7
(Source: The Week)
Rank of Toy Story 3, Iron Man 2 and Twilight 3 among the highest-grossing summer movies of 2010: #1, #2, #3
Number of the top 12 highest-grossing summer flicks that had an 'R' rating: 0
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 170 (including 4 gogs and several telemarketing calls from the Big Guy). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Really bad idea from Paw Paw, Michigan: the self-loading puppy piggy bank.
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CHEERS to tattered auction paddles. Wow---you guys really went into a bidding frenzy at the Netroots Nation fall auction. (Proceeds help fund NN regional events and the big June convention in Minneapolis.) The total raised at the closing buzzer last night: nearly 14 thousand bucks! I'm proud to say I now own Elizabeth Warren's autograph, which gives me the authority to take cash from banks and test it to make sure it still has purchasing power. (You buy that...right?) And this year only six people were sent to the hospital during the bidding war over lunch with David Waldman. [Sigh] I guess his star is fading.
JEERS to Senate inaction. Republicans to our soldiers serving in harm's way: DROP DEAD. For the first time in 48 years, they refused to even allow for a pleasant Tuesday discussion on the Defense Authorization Bill yesterday, meaning the GOP has compromised the safety and security of America and her citizens. President Obama should immediately take us to terror alert RED, now that John McCain and his 41-seat Republican majority have effectively slit the Pentagon's throat for political gain. C&J doesn’t pray often, but we will be now for all of our troops who have just been given a middle-finger salute by McConnell's Army. And shame on Democrats for not forcing the hardly-noble opposition to stand up there and make good on their filibuster threat by talking and talking and talking 'til they're blue in the face and then talking some more. The Senate is broken. As if we needed another reminder.
JEERS to the crazy Brits. On September 22, 1761, George III was crowned King of England:
"It was a sad day for the British Empire when King George became its political master. He was a man of narrow intellect, and lacked every element of the greatness of statesmanship. 'He had a smaller mind,' says the British historian, [Peter] Green, `than any English king before him save James II.' He showered favors on his obsequious followers, while men of independent character whom he could not bend to his will became the objects of his hatred."
Sounds like the jackass who sat on our throne recently. Anyway, thanks for the colonies, G-3! But, as always, you can keep the kidney pudding.
CHEERS to a li'l nip in the air. We're looking forward to the changing of seasons at 3:09 tomorrow morning. It's never more beautiful or cozy up here than it is from late September through November---the high season of flannel, hot apple cider, brilliant colors, and frosty mornings that scream, "What global warming?!!" (Although we'll get one more burst of it today when the mercury hits 80.) And something quaint and peaceful happens when the tourists leave and New England takes on a certain stoic, old-fashioned, Norman Rockwellesque innocence and charm this time of year: the weed gets a bit cheaper and the porn a little more plentiful. (Now if I could just remember where I put my Gore-tex toemuffs...)
JEERS to little buggers. The old joke about not checking in to a hospital because it can kill ya is a little truer these days with the news that "last-resort" antibiotics are getting the shit kicked out of them by the germs they're supposed to be kicking the shit out of:
The bugs, reported by hospitals in more than 20 states, typically strike the critically ill and are fatal in 30% to 60% of cases. Israeli doctors are battling an outbreak in Tel Aviv that has been traced to a patient from northern New Jersey, says Neil Fishman, director of infection control and epidemiology at the University of Pennsylvania and president of the Society of Healthcare Epidemiologists. The bacteria are equipped with a gene that enables them to produce an enzyme that disables antibiotics.
To prevent panic, doctors are reassuring the public that there are several remedies to which the rapidly-evolving germs are still 100-percent vulnerable: blowtorches, Liquid Plumber and steamrollers. (Supplemental insurance required, naturally. And fair warning: they may sting a bit.)
JEERS to driving under the influence of lactation. Ahh...the Great American Car. It's no longer considered a thousand-pound internal-combustion-powered block of metal and rubber hurtling down the road at high speeds like a battering ram. No, these days people treat it more like a room in their house, in which a variety of leisure activities or personal chores can be pursued. Take, for example, the idiot woman whom several people reported to police was driving erratically here in Maine the other day. She was pulled over and politely explained to police that she was swerving crazily from lane to lane because she was tending to a very important task: pumping breast milk. (Her own, we presume.) The police politely explained back that perhaps it might be safer if she tapped her nipple while her car was stationary, and then politely gave her a big fat ticket. (We're so polite up here it's almost annoying.) Her name will be added to our distracted driver hall of shame:
State Police troopers have encountered several extreme examples of distracted driving over the years, including a woman who was watching an episode of the television program "Gilmore Girls" on a laptop, as well as drivers eating, putting on makeup and texting on cell phones.
That's why I like taking the metro bus. If a distracted driver collides with us, we end up with a small dent and they end up in a tree a block away. If the recovery crane can't get it down we just leave it there and call it art.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 22, 2005
CHEERS to the legacy of the world's most famous Nazi-hunter. Simon Wiesenthal, who pursued and caught over 1,100 of Hitler's thugs and became the "voice of the Holocaust," has died at 96. Today I feel a little less safe than I did yesterday.
JEERS to hurricane relief for...Maine?? Truckers are getting paid by FEMA to drive truckloads of ice from the Midwest...to the Deep South...and up to Maine (a state where residents chisel ice off their windshields 7 months out of the year) because of---zounds!---mismanagement. Cost of this runaround: 800 of your tax dollars per day. Says driver Rick Benn: "It's the government. What do you expect?" Considering who's in charge, nothing less.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to BIG NEWS!!! BREAKING BOMBSHELL...
[Via Eschaton, cross-posted at Americablog, hat tip Digby, kudos Ezra Klein, more at Think Progress, even more via Matt Yglesias, GLBT analysis at Pam's House Blend, spiritual thoughts at Street Prophets, merciless takedown by Glenn Greenwald, constitutional post-mortem by Jonathan Turley, Middle East reaction via Juan Cole, update at MyDD, Eric Boehlert's response to Chuck Todd's totally fucked-up tweet at Media Matters, spot-on parody at Jesus' General, shocking additional details at Raw Story, rant by Nora Ephron at Huffington Post, damning video at Crooks and Liars, droll commentary by James Wolcott, wankers exposed via Matt Taibbi, pushback at Open Left, surprising clarity by Andrew Sullivan, uncontrollable swooning over The Nation's Chris Hayes, Special Comment by Keith Olbermann, additional details at Congress Matters, the missing piece of the puzzle at Talking Points Memo, spot-on crudity you have to read to believe over at The Rude Pundit, stuff the rest of us didn’t even think of via The Rachel Maddow Show, righteous smackdown by John Cole at Balloon Juice, and a massive call-to-action at FireDogLake.]
Oops, sorry, never mind. Turns out it was just bullshit via Drudge.
Enjoy your last day of summer, kids. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Had it not been for Bill in Portland Maine, I would not have been elected."
---Jimmy Carter
9/20/10
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