Jon Stewart, Wyatt Cenac, and Stephen Colbert all had a look at Sen. Jon Kyl's (R-AZ) pure unadulterated LIE about Planned Parenthood using 90% of its services for abortion, when it's actually about 3%.
T.J. HOLMES (4/8/2011): We've heard from Senator Kyl there, we did call his office trying to ask, ah, what he was talking about there, and you know what, I just want to give it to you verbatim here, it says, "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions in taxpayer dollars, does subsidize abortions."
Oh, well, that's OK. Now it makes sense. Turns out if I were to say Jon Kyl spends 90% of his time in the Senate drooling and farting, I don't mean that as a statistic of fact, I mean that at times, he probably produces saliva and methane. Breaks wind, which is not surprising for a man who's body is 90% fecal matter.
....
WYATT CENAC: Jon, we just saw with Senator Kyl, a deft execution of a sophisticated political maneuver known as LYING. He lied, a big fat one. If we played that clip in its entirety, you would've seen that his pants were on fire.
STEWART: Why, why, and again we did not the total clip, but why did he lie?
CENAC: He thought it would help his argument.
STEWART: But you can't just lie. Why not make a compelling and honest argument?
CENAC: Because he doesn't want Planned Parenthood to get money, and the true facts in the case don't favor him. But the lie facts stack up very strongly in Kyl's favor.
Videos and transcripts below the fold.
Interestingly enough, one of the last sticking points on the budget deal had nothing to do with budget. It was, in fact, abortion. Specifically, Republicans' attempt to include a rider that strips federal funding to Planned Parenthood, even though by law already, taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood can't be used... to fund... abortion. Ehh....
Although according to Planned Parenthood detractors, there'd be no way to avoid it.
SEN. JON KYL, R-AZ (4/8/2011): But you don't have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does.
Wow, well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortions! That's nearly 100% abortions! I'd love to see that statistic checked by, uh, ANYONE.
BILL ADAIR, POLITIFACT.COM (4/11/2011): The number of procedures done by Planned Parenthood, abortion services only account for about 3%. There are other ways of looking at it, but overall, it's just false.
I get those numbers mixed up a lot. 90%, 3%, is it 90%? That's why I've been buying 90% milk...
... and very hard to pour, you really have to eat it with a fork.
So 90% to 3%. Luckily, Jon Kyl has a reasonable explanation.
T.J. HOLMES (4/8/2011): We've heard from Senator Kyl there, we did call his office trying to ask, ah, what he was talking about there, and you know what, I just want to give it to you verbatim here, it says, "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions in taxpayer dollars, does subsidize abortions."
Oh, well, that's OK. Now it makes sense. Turns out if I were to say Jon Kyl spends 90% of his time in the Senate drooling and farting, I don't mean that as a statistic of fact, I mean that at times, he probably produces saliva and methane. Breaks wind, which is not surprising for a man who's body is 90% fecal matter.
JON STEWART: Senior Political Strategist Wyatt Cenac joins us. Wyatt, thank you so much for being here. Let me ask you, you know, we just listened to that on the floor of the Senate, Jon Kyl, he's not presenting us with factual statistics, he's merely trying to make a point. What is that?
WYATT CENAC: Jon, we just saw with Senator Kyl, a deft execution of a sophisticated political maneuver known as LYING. He lied, a big fat one. If we played that clip in its entirety, you would've seen that his pants were on fire.
STEWART: Why, why, and again we did not the total clip, but why did he lie?
CENAC: He thought it would help his argument.
STEWART: But you can't just lie. Why not make a compelling and honest argument?
CENAC: Because he doesn't want Planned Parenthood to get money, and the true facts in the case don't favor him. But the lie facts stack up very strongly in Kyl's favor.
STEWART: But it's not the truth.
CENAC: Not even close! It's a blatant lie. But again, in his defense, he's only lying about something that he believes in. It's in service of a strongly held moral principle. He's not lying to get out of a commitment like jury duty, or to be boastful, he's standing on the Senate floor, lying to the American people, to get his way.
STEWART: So as long as you believe in the cause, the ends justify the means, it doesn't matter what you do to get there.
CENAC: That's right. Same with tax cuts. Did you know that cutting taxes on billionaires would create 2 million new jobs in the first 48 hours?
STEWART: That can't be true, right?
CENAC: Of course not. It's a lie. But, it makes not raising taxes on billionaires seem like it helps everyday people, thus achieving its goal, no new taxes on billionaires. Which reminds me, by the way Jon, um, there is some very sensitive information on this tape that I need you to give to the Foo Fighters for safe keeping. They need to listen to the whole thing, especially track 3. It's a matter of national security!
STEWART: Whoa, OK. I just, I didn't.... This is a demo tape, isn't it?
CENAC: No, no. Beardzilla is the name, ah, it's the code name for my top secret source in Washington that has that fresh new sound that everybody needs to hear.
STEWART: See, here's why I don't believe you, mainly because Beardzilla is the name of your fucking ska band that ruined last year's holiday party.
CENAC: No! No! We are NOT ska, we're reggaetón meets jazz infusion!
STEWART: Thank you very much, Wyatt. Wyatt Cenac, everybody. We'll be right back.
You want more proof Obama won? Republicans gave up cutting all funding to Planned Parenthood, which is a waste of money. Who plans for parenthood? You chug five wine coolers on New Year's Eve, wake up in a strange bed, then come September, you're hanging a ducky mobile inside the walk-in closet the way God intended. Planned Parenthood should not get a dime of federal money, and Arizona Senator Jon Kyl knows why.
SEN. JON KYL, R-AZ (4/8/2011): If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does.
Over 90%, that is unbelieveable, in that it is not true. Because only 3% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortions.
Kyl jus rounded up to the nearest 90. Besides, when this 87% discrepancy was pointed out, Kyl's office immediately released the following statement to CNN.
T.J. HOLMES (4/8/2011): ... and you know what, I just want to give it to you verbatim here, it says, "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement"...
See? It was not intended to be a factual statement. You can't call him out for being wrong, when he never intended to be right. Now, I gotta say, that is an amazingly liberating defense. Now I can say things like, Jon Kyl has a vestigial tail, and it's not where you think it would be. There's a reason he never wears a tank top. Note: that was not intended to be a factual statement.
Speaking of never intending to give factual statements, Fox & Friends. This weekend, they explained why there is no need for Planned Parenthood, even if 97% of their services are contraception, breast cancer screening, STD testing, and other services like pap smears. Because as the brown-haired guy who's not Steve Doocy told the blond-haired guy who is Steve Doocy and the blond-haired girl who's not Gretchen Carlson, America already has a trusted place for those services. Jim?
4/9/2011:
STEVE DOOCY: He was talking about Planned Parenthood being this great provider where women can get blood pressure checks, and pap smears, and breast...
BRIAN KILMEADE: Which you can get at Walgreens.
STEVE DOOCY: Exactly right.
Exactly. You can get a pap smear or a breast exam at Walgreens. I'm pretty sure they're between the Swiffer refills and the cat food. Ladies, just look for the stirrups. I know Walgreens is where I go for all my medical needs. Just last week I got my annual colonoscopy at the photo center. I swallowed a waterproof disposable camera, had a bag boy punch me in the gut to make the shutter go off... (cracks up laughing) hung out in the coffee aisle till it passed, and an hour later, got a clean bill of health... (cracks up laughing) and an hour later, got a clean bill of health and a free set of doubles for my family. (That's impossible.)
By the way, speaking of families, did you know that Jon Kyl has had sexual relations with all of his first cousins? And that is intended to be a factual statement. Note: that last statement about the previous statement being a factual statement? That was not intended to be a factual statement.
Jon also had more about the budget showdown. It's not as funny, but he does conclude with this awesome dig at Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN).
All right, so we're done here, people. We can all go home and rest assured that even though this small budget dispute was blown up to hostage-like negotiation proportions because of the unusually large place at the table the Tea Party maintains, at least they're satisfied now.
REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (4/10/2011): It sounds like John Boehner got a good deal. Probably not good enough for me to support it, but a good deal nonetheless.
What are you... what are you talking about? That's where we're at with the Tea Party, you can't even support good deals now?
"Well, it's a good deal, but some poor people remain oddly unfucked, so my constituents won't have it."
Stephen also had more about the anticipation leading up to midnight last Friday. And most of you should enjoy his interview with the Mythbusters.
BTW, the anti-choice nutjobs over at Life News are claiming Kyl's 90% figure is actually an UNDERESTIMATE. Gotta love how in quoting Kyl's press release, they specifically left out the "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement" line, and quoted the part after that.
And also, props to PolitiFact Georgia for soundly destroying Herman Cain's psychopathic notion that Margaret Sanger wanted the genocide of the black race, and that's why she wanted abortions. It's just so incredibly wrong in so many ways, and I've seen it constantly used by pro-life groups. So please read up on the facts, and the next time some asshole raises the Sanger point, hit them repeatedly in the head with the facts, and call them out for the liars they are.
So, I have an idea. You use Twitter? How about starting a new hashtag called #JonKylFacts? In it, we can list all kinds of "facts" about Kyl, and if asked, we'll just use his own words that the "remark was not intended to be a factual statement". You know, along the lines of:
Jon Kyl has had sex with all his first cousins. #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl has a vestigial tail, but it's not where you think. #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl lost on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl has the largest collection of German bondage porn in the Western U.S. #JonKylFacts
When Jon Kyl sounds reasonable, it's time to up your medication. #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl's grandmother fucked an alligator in Boca Raton, FL. #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl still isn't sure the right side won the Civil War. #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl got his 25-year-old mistress a cushy state job. #JonKylFacts
Jon Kyl still runs with scissors. #JonKylFacts
Out of over 1 million of his dad's sperm, Jon Kyl was the fastest. #JonKylFacts
(OK, that last one may be true.)
What can you guys come up with?
BTW, I found this great insult if you ever find yourself in an argument with a birther.
Well, YOUR birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
Zing!!!!!
