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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Exclusive:
GOP Bill Targets Children, Goobers
WASHINGTON---In a move that has enraged childrens groups and their supporters, House Republicans plan to introduce legislation that, if passed, would literally allow lawmakers to take candy from a baby.
The Juvenile Confection Freedom Enhancement Act would allow members of Congress to legally confiscate Tootsie Pops, Runts, Milk Duds, holiday candy, Everlasting Gobstoppers, Skittles, Razzles and other sweets that would appear on a new federal Yummy Watch List.
House Speaker John Boehner made the announcement yesterday. "We're bored to death talking about jobs, and we're not making much headway separating seniors from their Medicare," he said. "But it's pretty hard to screw up taking a lollipop from a two-year-old."
The law would apply to all children up to age four, Boehner said, with exemptions for certain older children. "If a youngster appears capable of fighting back, either alone or by assembling a posse of pals brandishing dodgeballs, we'll look the other way out of self-preservation," he said. When asked what he would do with the confiscated candy, Boehner said he intended to store it on a really high shelf in his office.
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), the primary author of the bill, said it was originally targeted at keeping candy out of the hands of so-called "terror babies." As more co-sponsors signed on---224 so far---the parameters changed, he said. "Walking up to a child and seizing his candy dovetails nicely with the spirit of our party. If we can't take health care away from old people, we'll take Heath Bars away from kids. It produces the same kind of endorphin rush, anyway."
The current draft contains exemptions for children of Republican members of Congress and the unborn. "But once the umbilical cord's cut, the Kool-Aid in their sippy cups is fair game," said co-sponsor Virginia Foxx (R-NC).
The response from juvenile advocacy groups was swift and fierce. "They'll have to pry these Sour Patch Kids from my warm, soft, tiny and adorable child hands," said Wendell Petersmith, 4, of the Center for American Num Nums.
"Just wait until we become eligible to vote," added Natalie Woolich, 6, of the advocacy group Candyless Grocery Store Checkout Counters NO! "In a dozen years, their days in office will be numbered."
A vote in the House is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. If approved, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid plans to send the bill on a path of gumdrops to the Senate floor for a vote. "I look forward to letting America see just which Republicans are willing to lay a finger on our childrens' Butterfingers," he said.
President Obama has promised to veto the legislation if the Juvenile Confection Freedom Enhancement Act reaches his desk. He had no immediate comment, as his mouth was full of Raisinettes.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Note: Found a peanut. Cracked it open. It was rotten. Ate it anyway. Died. Went to Heaven. Went the other way. Woke up. Every day for the last 25 years. No idea why. Oh, look…found a peanut!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Memorial Day: 20
Days `til the official opening of Funtown Splashtown USA in Saco, Maine: 4
Military aid given to Pakistan by the U.S. since 2001: $20 billion
Amount given to Pakistan last year alone: $4.5 billion
(Source: USA Today)
Number of tweets per second between 10:45pm and 12:30am on the night Osama bin Laden's death was announced: 3,440
Number of previous times the rate was that high: 0
(Source: Time)
Rank of Walmart, Exxon Mobil, Chevron and ConocoPhillips on the new Fortune 500 list, based on revenue in 2010: #1, #2, #3, #4
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Think a movement to declare this World Karma Day (he’s not going to get his name attached to anything if I’ve got anything to say about it) would gain any momentum? We’re two-fer now, Bin Laden and Hitler. If something unfortunate happens to a certain third next year, all the better.
Commenter "Jnxd," apparently hoping for President Obama's death, at the "moderated" Michelle Malkin blog, May 1.
All together now: One…two…three… Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Forecast: partly cloudy with a good chance of a shower…
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CHEERS to stirring the melting pot. President Obama travels in Space Shuttle One to Planet Texas today, where he'll give a speech on immigration reform in El Paso and then visit the border to flip the bird at the drug lords on the other side. A lot of people think he should've tackled this issue earlier, but better late than never, I guess:
White House officials say Obama will emphasize the economic value of reforming immigration laws, noting that immigrants account for a substantial share of business start-ups and patent applications, among other things---activities that create jobs for everyone. It's a different approach than talking about immigration as a security issue or a moral one, and also provides a counter to the Republican argument that illegal immigrants drain U.S. resources.
Just a thought, but maybe he can skip the paragraphs about patent applications? It's hot down there and the goal is to keep the audience awake. Keep it simple: Democrats love immigrants all the time, and we want you to succeed, thrive and put down roots here. Republicans love immigrants, too, of course…mainly when they're mowing the lawn.
CHEERS to the mighty Wattle Man! If you believe what I read (and who doesn't?), we're officially going to have candidate Newt Gingrich to kick around starting tomorrow. And to give us a bit of perspective on what we can expect from the thrice-married family-values hypocrite, here's a little snip by Molly Ivins:
[Easily] the most notable contribution to our political life made by Gingrich during his congressional career has been the level of rancor and vitriol with which he practices politics. So impressive were Gingrich's thrusts at the opposition that in 1990, the GOP issued a list of them---words that Republican candidates should use to describe their opponents so they could be successful, like Newt. The words are: sick, pathetic, traitor, welfare, crisis, ideological, cheat, steal, insecure, bizarre, permissive, anti-(issue), and radical.
But there's only one word necessary to position Newt: "unserious." The baggage he carries makes Osama's document dump look like a Bazooka Joe comic. But the entertainment value will be sumptuous. Bring on the crazy!
CHEERS to spreading the love around. Fifteen states not named Florida are getting the $2 billion that Florida Governor Rick Scott rejected for high-speed rail projects. That means other states will get new trains, new rails, new bridges, new stations, new hopes, new dreams, new progress, new excitement! Wheeeee!!! Thanks for all the infrastructure cash, Governor Scott! Thank you, thank you, thank you…
The bulk of the $2 billion is to go the congested Washington-New York-Boston corridor, where $795 million in improvements should allow trains to run at 160 mph on a stretch where they are currently limited to 135 mph. Another $404 million will go toward increasing speeds to 110 mph between Chicago and Detroit.
Yes, Florida Governor Rick Scott is the awesomest governor evuh!…for every state except Florida.
JEERS to letters we'd prefer not having to write. Delivered via dancing-cobra mail:
Dear India,
Hello! How are you? I am fine. Hey, what's up with that Pakistan, huh? Sheesh, don’t get me started!
Anyway, I'm writing you to politely request that you stop acting like---with all due respect--- monsters towards girls in your country. If you're going to be a major player on the world stage, it's best to not starve your children to death just because they lack a Y chromosome. Old-world traditions are powerful, I know. But, c'mon. Check your calendar. Specifically, the year. Seriously. It's got four digits now.
Hugs!
Billy in Portland
P.S. Love your naan!
CHEERS to bulldogs unleashed. On May 10, 1940, Winston Churchill was called in to replace Neville Chamberlain as British prime minister after Mr. "Peace in our time" lost a confidence vote in the House of Commons. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and tears in the run-up to war. Years later, Tony Blair offered lies, deception, stonewalling and fake evidence. Potato, puhtahto.
JEERS to unintentional humor. Oh, David Koch, how sour are thy grapes. The bitter old billionaire, who never met a polluted stream he didn't like or an astroturfed tea party rally he didn’t fund, thinks the president who caught bin Laden is still a wuss (and probably not even American). But for pure comedy, it's hard to top this:
"I mean, no president in his right mind would not approve that decision to go eliminate him. So he's getting a lot of recognition and his polls have jumped up, but his decision was the easiest of them all. The real hard work was done by the intelligence and the SEALs.
So President Obama is in his right mind for approving the decision to go after bin Laden. Cool! But Mr. Koch is apparently unfamiliar with the 2001 battle of Tora Bora, during which President George W. Bush did not approve the decision to eliminate bin Laden while he was trapped---and that means Koch just unwittingly diagnosed Bush as a president who was not in his right mind. I wouldn’t stay up too late waiting for a Bush Christmas card to arrive this year, Dave. I think you hurted terrible ex-Preznit's fe fes with the twuth.
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Five years ago in C&J: May 10, 2006
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. More than once Sunday on This Week, George Stephapalooza stuck his foot in his mouth thus and so:
"...that was not one of the top four pieces of legislation that Speaker Pelos... Excuse me, I don't know why I've got that stuck in my head today..."
Guest Howard Dean: "I like the sound of that!"
Cue the seething Republican hate mail.
CHEERS to easing up on the testosterone. The Senate Armed Services Committee is trying to "pin the administration down" on its definition of what constitutes inhumane prisoner treatment. One area of concern is whether "forcing an inmate to wear women's underwear" counts as torture. We say, only if it doesn't make them feel pretty.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to strokes of genius. Now that we've caught Osama bin Laden, America's attention turns to the next big challenge facing us. I'm speaking, of course, of the crisis at golf driving ranges on cruise ships. Ever since a ban on real golf balls went into effect on the high seas (apparently fish couldn’t comprehend the "Do not swallow this golf ball or you will choke, you dumb fish" stamped on each ball), it just hasn’t been the same. Until now! Thanks to the above-par staff at the University of Maine (Orono Yo Ho!), you can swing to your heart's content with new, environmentally-friendly lobster balls:
[T]his is the first [golf ball] to be made with crushed lobster shells with a biodegradable binder and coating, creating value from waste material. “We’re using a byproduct of the lobster canning industry which is currently miserably underutilized---it ends up in a landfill,” [UMaine Biological and Chemical Engineering Professor David] Neivandt says. …
[Undergraduate student Alex] Caddell, a golfer, says the balls perform similarly to their traditional, white-dimpled counterparts. … “The flight properties are amazing.”
Oh, that reminds me of a joke I heard: what do you say to a nudist guy who stayed out in the sun too long? "Hey, Lobster Balls!" (hat tip: Ban Ki-moon's mom)
To improve your odds of having a nice Tuesday, don’t try this at home. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Who thought Bill in Portland Maine would get applause here in South Carolina?"
---Chris Wallace
5/5/11
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