This is a handy guide for those of us who plan on being here Sunday, May 22, 2011. We have no plans on being raptured, but because many of our countrymen and women do, we have preparations to make.
Forget of course that the Bible says:
No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Matthew 24:36
or that the Gregorian calendar is off by a few days, or years (depending on what and who you read), some Christians are preparing to be raptured, the time when they [the righteous] will be taken to Heaven, Saturday, May 21, 2011.
This is not to be confused with the end of the world, which they believe will be October 21, 2011.
Think of this Saturday as sort of an "evacuation day for believers, leaving the planet to the rest of us for a few months.
Like the Christians who plan on being airlifted outta here, you too must make arrangements, and plans.
Check on your Saturday Plans
Starting on Monday you need to make some phone calls. Since you don't know who will be raptured, though they may have a big "going away" blow out on Friday night.
Since you don't know please check your Saturday plans to make sure you aren't in the middle of something when someone important to those plans gets raptured out.
For instance:
If you are planning any plane travel on Saturday make sure those in the cockpit aren't planning on being raptured. You don't want the entire cockpit empty at 30,000 feet.
The safest bets would be no Christians in the cockpit. A crew of Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, atheists/agnostics, etc. would be best. (lapsed Christians, those who belong to liberal or gay welcoming churches, or pretend piety but are schtuping a flight attendant on the side, etc. are probably pretty good too)
You may want to check to see that there is a proper auto pilot on board too
If you are planning any surgery on Saturday, check out the surgeon. You don't want him or her disappearing at a critical juncture. Plus if his or her physical body is going to go crashing through the ceiling of the operating room/theater all that dust and debris will contaminate the sterile field and your open wound.
Also check out your entire police force in your town/city, this includes the sheriff's office for those unincorporated areas.
If your entire police force plans to be raptured you will need some precautions for your own safety. You might not need to run out to buy a gun, if your neighbor is a right wing Christian who believes he/she will be raptured on Saturday, ask them for the stock pile they've put up since President Obama was elected. They aren't going to need it where they are going and they won't need the cash either!
If you aren't lucky enough to have a right wing Christian next door neighbor, and you don't already have fire arms, and your local gun shop or Walmart is still sold out of them, look for alternative means of protection.
Do enroll and take a week long personal protection marshal arts course.
Do take a long look around your house at items you can use to protect yourself and your family. A documentary on using items often found around the house for personal protection has already been made, please view it and review it several times this week.
That's right forks, shovels, bowling balls, sharpened fingernails, etc. and farting. But you need to practice, get to it!
Also don't forget darts, and since I've not heard of a run on dart boards yet, they may still be available at Walmart, Target, Kmart, Toys R Us, etc.
Also check to see if your local fire department will be fully staffed, or if your fire department is all volunteer, if there will be enough or any volunteers. You may want to pick up a few fire extinguishers (which is a good thing to have in any case)
Luckily it's spring time so you probably won't get too cold if the power goes out. You might want to pull out that camp stove you hid in the closet just in case Y2K came to fruition and make sure everything works.
Water? well that's what tubs are for .. clean it up Friday and fill it up Friday night.
There may be a few things I haven't thought of that you need to do
Oh yes, while oil company execs WON'T be raptured, gas station owners might be, fill up your cars on Friday night. Also Banksters will NOT be raptured so make sure you pay your mortgage.
Also be helpful to your right wing Christian friends in pre-rapture. If they have pets offer to take care of them, or give them a list of no-kill shelters.
Send out invitations to your Jewish, Muslims, Hindu, Sikhs, atheist, agnostic, and the wrong type of Christian friends for a Sunday, May 22, 2011 After Rapture Party and or picnic or barbaque.
You may also want to send invitation out to your right wing Christian neighbors, friends and family who are "left behind," they are sure to be depressed and will need a pick me up. ;-)
What to do on Saturday
Stay off the roads. It will be a mess with all the people raptured straight out of their cars. Unlike the days of horse and buggy when rapture just meant that your mode of transportation would just wander off safetly to the side of the road and eat some grass, now a days rapture will be a major road hazard, what with all the unmanned cars careening into other cars, buildings, off bridges, etc.
It may look like they are filming another Dukes of Hazard movie, or another episode in the Blue Brothers franchise.
If you want to go anywhere a bike ride just might be the safest thing.
By all means be supportive of your repaturing friends.
You may want to buy blowup life size sex dolls (oh yeah you need to do this earlier in the week) before filling them with helium you'll want to append messages on to their chest, bellies and backs (making sure to cover the naughty bits). These messages should say things like "Happy that your leaving!, "Have a good trip!", "How cool is 30,000 feet without an airplane?" "Where's the key to your house?"
Affirming things that let them know just how happy and supportive you of them.
If you don't want to do something that might be ecologically damaging but you still want to show them your support take pillow cases out to your front or back yard (which ever is un hindered by trees). It may be a little harder and restrictive to spell out messages since you may not have enough pillow cases.
Start out with a simple 3 letter word like "Bye" spelled out well can clearly that can be read from above, and work from there.
Cardboard is good too. Using the rules of freeway blogging will help it be read from higher up too.
You may also want to put your audio speakers outside your windows and play them out (sans Bill O'Reilly tirade, you're trying to be supportive).
I really haven't thought much of a playlist for Saturday, other than the timeless favorite, "Nah Nah, Hey Hey, Goodbye." If you want up tempo the Pointer Sister's Neutron Dance is good.
maybe kossaks could suggest more.
Some of those who know they are staying are planning on have a party Saturday night. But really since we weren't given a time, rapture may still be happening so I prefer to wait for Sunday.
Sunday, May 22, 2011 AFTER RAPTURE DAY
Everything should be a bit quieter today, and it may be easier to get around town since right wing Christian church parking lots are empty. Enjoy the morning and get ready to party.
You may wish to join others all over the world in the party atmosphere. There are several groups dedicated to the Sunday, May 22 party:
The After the Rapture Party
The Post Rapture Party
And the LMAO Day Event ( I plan on tying a balloon to my mailbox with LMAO written in sharpy on it).
To name a few.
Then there is your own party/BBQ/picnic.
Some people have been asking what to wear to an after the rapture party. Some have come up with a t-shirt
Make it big and festive and enjoy yourselves. There's a lot of celebrate!
For one thing on Monday traffic will be lighter.
