From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
This Late Night Snark Cost Me $500k at Tiffany's
"Rudy Giuliani is apparently thinking about running for president. Wow, that would bring us to, like, seven candidates and about 35 ex-wives."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"President Bush was almost hit by a foul ball at a baseball game. Bush vowed revenge, but you know President Obama will probably get the guy."
---Conan O'Brien
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"At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony."
---David Letterman
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"Should oil companies give back all those tax breaks? Yeah…as soon as the seagulls give back all that oil."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Michele Bachmann is the female candidate for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual."
---Bill Maher
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"A man in Wisconsin ate his 25-thousandth Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating the first one. Then afterwards he ate a piece of broccoli and died."
---Seth Meyers
And 5 years ago:
Clip of President Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone. We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.
Jon Stewart: That's what terrorism and gay people are for.
"You may commence grilling when ready, Gridley!" Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 27, 2011
Note: C&J will be off on Monday and Tuesday and will return on Wednesday. But let's not dwell on that. Let's just seize the moment and---right here, right now---let's Wang Chung tonight. Yes! Let's Wang Chung like we've never Wang Chung'd before! I'll fetch the lawn darts from the closet, you go grab the Slinky and the Yoplait.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Harry Potter and the Deathly Republican Budget: 19
Days `til the Clinch Mountain Music Fest in Virginia: 15
Number of U.S. presidents who have addressed the British Parliament: 1 (Obama)
(Source: amk for Obama)
Florida Governor Rick Scott's approval rating after 5 months in office: 29%
(Source: Quinnipiac poll)
Percent of Americans moving to a new residence in 2010 who settled in, respectively, the same county, a different county in the same state, and a different state: 70%, 20%, 10%
(Source: Census Bureau via David Nir)
Minimum cost of the "pleasure palace" being built for Vladimir Putin: $1 billion
(Source: Harper's Index)
Estimated price-per-barrel increase in oil prices due to speculation: $27
(Source: Center for American Progress)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Fresh Paw
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CHEERS to holiday multitasking. This is one of those long weekends that creates a bit of emotional whiplash, especially up here in the normally frozen tundra. It's the first warm-weather holiday weekend of 2011 and that makes us giddy, but the reason for the holiday---honoring our war dead---is decidedly somber:
It's unclear where the tradition of decorating graves came from, but several towns in United States claim to have created it. In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson actually settled the issue declaring that Waterloo, N.Y., first celebrated a local Memorial Day on May 5, 1866, and carried on the tradition of closing the town and decorating graves annually.
Starting with World War I, it became a day to recognize fallen American soldiers from all armed conflicts. In 1971, Congress declared that Memorial Day be an officially recognized holiday to take place on the last Monday of May every year.
While you're at it, take a few extra moments to reflect on Dwight Eisenhower's words: "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity." Me, too. Minus the living it part, but y'know what? I'll take his word for it.
CHEERS to comeuppance. Remember back in March when Republicans in a Wisconsin legislative committee rammed through the union-stripping bill, and the lone Democrat who was present raised a futile stink about it? That was Assembly Minority Leader Peter Barca, and he said over and over again, "This is a violation of the Open Meetings law and it is wrong!" Republicans ignored him, dismissed the committee, rushed the law to a vote, passed it, and guess what? Yesterday a judge struck down that law because it was a---everyone say it with me---violation of the Open Meetings law and it is wrong!!!. And now it is Representative Barca who gets to do a victory lap:
"Gov. Walker cost the taxpayers by refusing to respectfully sit across the table from his employees, look them in the eye and take yes for an answer on the benefit concessions they offered. We hope the Legislative Republicans will rethink their plan to betray the people of Wisconsin by taking away workers' rights and hurting Wisconsin's middle class.
Today's decision by Judge Sumi restores Wisconsin's long tradition of open government. This ruling sets an important precedent that when the Legislature meets, the people must have a seat at the table. This is a huge victory for Wisconsin democracy."
It now goes to the Supreme Court, but for now the scoreboard proudly reads: David 1 Goliath 0.
JEERS to getting seated at the Sith's table. Dick Cheney, one of the most despised humans in America with or without a pulse, said yesterday: "I worship the ground that Paul Ryan walks on." We'll file that under "Reasons why Paul Ryan is really glad this week is over."
CHEERS to the little rover that could…but isn’t anymore. A little whirligig on wheels that deserves a spot in the space-exploration hall of fame---the Spirit Rover---has run out of juice after 7 years of peeking into Martian windows and sending the nudie pics back to earth. If you feel so inclined, please join me in a toast to a happy and rust-proof retirement: "Bloop Poink Whirrrr!" Don’t spend all those Social Security checks in one place, now.
P.S. The crew of the Shuttle Endeavor completed its final spacewalk this morning. They were outside for 24 minutes and broke a new record for playing Ding-Dong Ditch on the residents of the Space Station without getting caught.
JEERS to petty stooges. Thirty-nine years ago today, in 1972, the White House "plumbers" hit the Democratic National Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, setting events in motion that led to Nixon's resignation. The first clue that something was amiss: their bill was reasonable.
CHEERS to throwing a dick in the dock. Serbian security forces get a gold star today for nabbing the really really really horrible ex-general, Ratko Mladic, who massacred 8,000 men and boys in Srebrenic back in 1995. Ratko, who lived up to his name better (read: worser) than almost anyone else who has walked the planet, has been deemed healthy enough to be tried for crimes against humanity in the International Criminal Court at The Hague. I hope they throw the book at him. And lots of tomatoes and whatever else they got handy.
CHEERS to masking tape. It was invented on this date In 1930. It has a million and one uses, but to shut up a lying Republican blowhard only duct tape will do.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Oh, I surrender---TV rules my world, so sue me. This weekend I'm going to savor the HBO movie Too Big to Fail, which I caught about 15 minutes of on Monday night and gawd is it good. New DVD releases include nothing recent I've heard of, but who cares with re-releases of The Great Dictator, Platoon and Grand Prix on the menu? (You can visit Ain't It Cool News for the full list.) NHL playoffs continue tonight (Boston vs. Tampa Bay---winner faces Vancouver in the finals), and the Red Sox continue playing with their eyes closed…and winning! The Indy 500 is Sunday---my money's on Animal Kingdom. On 60 Minutes: Medal of Honor winner Salvatore Giunta and a report from the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Conservative-Moderate-Liberal Guest (CMLG) Index. Let's compare with last week's tally of 11-12-5.
Meet the Press: Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) vs. Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY); roundtable with Harold Ford, David Brooks, Ruth Marcus, Alex Castellanos. CMLG Index: 3-2-1
This Week: Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels. CMLG Index: 2-0-0
Face the Nation: Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA), DNC chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. CMLG Index: 1-0-1
The McLaughlin Group: As usual, two conservatives, one liberal, and one moderate. CMLG Index: 2-1-1
Washington Week: Dan Balz of The Washington Post on the 2012 campaigns; Major Garrett of National Journal on entitlement reform; Helene Cooper of The New York Times On Obama's trip; Joan Biskupic of USA Today on the Supreme Court rulings---one that upholds an Arizona law that penalizes employers who knowingly hire illegal immigrants and the other that deals with prison overcrowding in California. CMLG Index: 1-2-1
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: No way!!! John McCain AGAIN???!!!; Rep. Allen West (R-FL), Rep. Donna Edwards (D-MD); roundtable with Bill Kristol, Nina Easton, Juan Williams, Byron York. CMLG Index: 4-2-1
Final CMLG Index tally: 13-7-5. Ugh---moving in the wrong direction. Skip the TV…go play in the yard.
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Five years ago in C&J: May 27, 2006
JEERS to our lovely ally in the Middle East. Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah told the country's newspapers to stop publishing photos of women. His reason: "One needs to think if he would want his daughter, sister, or wife to appear like that. Of course, no one would." Typical Saudi royal behavior: crude.
JEERS to reefer madness. More evidence that we've outlawed the wrong smoking sticks: A big fat doobie of a study suggests that marijuana---even among heavy users---does not cause lung cancer: "What we found instead was no association at all, and even a suggestion of some protective effect." Two-pack-a-day cigarette smokers, meanwhile, showed a 20-fold increase in lung cancer. Our new slogan for our campaign against the anti-pot propaganda crowd: "Just Say Bullshit."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to My Cutie. This Monday my partner Michael and I will celebrate our anniversary. Michael asked me out on my first date ever (he was very insistent, so I guess you could say it was a "mandate"---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!). We had a lovely courtship---I taught him why John Williams is the greatest composer who ever walked the earth, and he showed me that there are more food groups than just Stouffers and McDonald's. Our first movie together was Jurassic Park---we held hands but that's as far as it went I swear! There were moonlight strolls and meeting the parents and moving from Michigan to Maine. Jobs to find, pets to feed, sights to see. And a slowly evolving, finely tuned form of domestic squabbling, delicately honed for years to the point where today a few sparks fly and, mere moments later, we're over it. Life's too short. And revenge is sweet.
So Monday's big number is 18. To put that in perspective, we met during Bill Clinton's fifth month in office. And here we are, still together, as Barack Obama charges through his third year. Federal benefits for which we qualify as a couple: 0. Our current class among the American citizenry at large: 2nd. Why is that, again? No one ever seems to have a good explanation. Maybe we kicked a bunch of cats in a previous life, I dunno.
In a tradition I started a few years back, I close with this smug snippet from "The new apostle of sanity in sex," David Reuben, M.D. Forty-two years ago, in 1969, his mega-best-seller Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask was published and treated as gospel. (He later took a chill pill and lightened up on us.) This, to me, is a lovely chunk of 24-karat ignorance sealed in the amber of history:
What about all the homosexuals who live together happily for years?
What about them? They are mighty rare birds among the homosexual flock. Moreover, the "happy" part remains to be seen. The bitterest argument between husband and wife is a passionate love sonnet by comparison with a dialogue between a butch and his queen. Live together? Yes. Happily? Hardly.
Yeah...hardly. Uh huh. Right. Good call, Dr. Dave. And for the record, in our household we know the proper pecking order: the cat's the queen, the dog's the butch, and Michael and I are their humble servants. Scandalous, I know. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta take out the trash, do the dishes and pay the bills. And since that will sound too boring for the right wingers, I'll add: in assless chaps with a rubber ball in my mouth and a sailor cap. And because I don't do it often enough: {{{{{Michael}}}}}.
Have a safe and enjoyable holiday weekend. Last one in the pool's a rotten egg! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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