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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Week Ahead
Monday: President Obama and his national security team huddle in the break room by the candy machine for a strategy session on Afghanistan and Pakistan. Among the recommendations for winning the hearts and minds of the people there: painting smiley faces on the wings of our drones.
Senators return from recess. Paint dries on wall.
Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum officially announces he's running for president. Instead of a big splashy bus tour across New England, all it takes for the Palin family to steal his headlines is sending Piper out to pedal her tricycle around the block.
At Apple's Worldwide Development Conference (WWDC) in San Francisco: Steve Jobs speak. You listen.
Tuesday: The White House welcomes German Chancellor Angela Merkel for meetings and an official dinner. As a courtesy, ponchos are passed out to the press corps in case she decides to say the word Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz.
Today is National Chocolate Ice Cream Day. It's also National $!#$!!& Chocolate Ice Cream Headache Day.
Wednesday: The state of the economy takes center stage as the Federal Reserve unveils its latest "Beige Book," aka "Summary of Commentary on Current Economic Conditions." Stocks tumble when Ben Bernanke is seen opening the book and pulling out a half-empty bottle of ripple.
President Obama welcomes the BCS champion Auburn Tigers to the White House. The press corps gets an unexpected soaking when the players all shout Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz in unison.
Thursday: Barack Hussein Obama welcomes President Ali Bongo Ondimba of Gabon to the White House. And if you ever feel like engaging in the fine art of "Republican tipping," just creep up behind one and read that sentence out loud.
The Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee holds a hearing on bills to promote energy efficiency and alternative-fuel vehicles. The hearing will be televised live for as long as the senators can keep pedaling.
Minneapolis residents simultaneously get an ominous feeling in their gut, as if something nefarious is about to take place one week from today. They shake it off, thinking it's probably just another phony Rapture.
Friday: The Treasury Department releases its federal budget numbers for May. Just to keep it interesting, all the numbers are spelled out.
The guaranteed-mega-blockbuster Super 8 arrives in theatres at midnight. The Chinese bootleg DVD arrives on Beijing street corners at 12:01.
And with enough Bacardi and denial, we might make it through in one piece. Let's ride.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 6, 2011
Note: Today's healthy health tip: eating cookies in bed is not recommended. Love, Dr. Bill
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the big GOP debate in New Hampshire: 7
Days `til the 2011 Pasadena Chalk Festival: 12
Incidents of "taxpayer identity theft" in 2008: 51,702
Incidents of "taxpayer identity theft" in 2010: 248,357
(Source: Government Accountability Office via AP)
Starting salary of a new undergraduate with a bachelor's degree in petroleum engineering, roughly double what it was in 1997: $86,220
(Source: The Week)
Percent of U.S. counties in which the share of the under-18 population has dropped since 2000: 95%
(Source: USA Today)
BONUS NUMBERS---Sports 'n Such:
Stanley Cup: Vancouver leads Boston 2 games to 0
NBA Finals: Miami leads Dallas 2 games to 1
French Open: Raphael Nadal def. Roger Federer 3 sets to 1
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"Meet Me in Minnesota!"
Brought to you by the Netroots Nation '11 convention in Minneapolis June 16-19:
Minneapolis is one of the “coolest towns in America” according to a story in Men’s Journal.
[T]he editors cite Minneapolis’ parks, Chain of Lakes, large biking community (#1 biking city in America, according to Bicycling Magazine), and numerous farmers markets as the reasons. [...] The magazine chose 18 towns they believe have mastered the art of “living well in the 21st century.” They also looked at other factors such as number of sunny days a year and cost of living.
---From the official city website
And y'know what else is cool (he said, in the slickest transition ever)? Helping out as a volunteer at the conference. Stuffing the swag bags, checking people in at the registration booth, etc.---there's plenty to do and it helps the full-time staff big-time. If you're going and you can spare an hour or a few, give Shanna Ingalsbee a shout at volunteers@netrootsnation.org. Oh, and…T-minus 10 days and counting.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Looks like a kid in a bear costume to me….
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CHEERS to amazing POTUS tricks. And now, ladies and gentleman, Barack Obama the Magnificent will attempt to take out Osama bin Laden possible-heir-apparent Ilyas Kashmiri with one hand tied behind his back:
Boop. Got 'im.
Yeah, well…next time let's see ya do it blindfolded, tough guy.
CHEERS to the wrong-way partay. I'm sure you were as glued as I was to coverage of the "Faith and Freedom Coalition" conference that was held in that faith and freedom heartland of American breadbasket values: Washington, D.C., aka the "Grange Hall for Scumbags." But as I listened to all the GOP candidates spouting off about how marriage is only between a chick and a dude, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the latest Gallup poll numbers, and I created this handy chart depicting the public reaction to the organization's message through the years:
1970s: "Marriage is between man and woman!" (90 percent of Americans agree!!!)
1980s: "Marriage is between man and woman!" (80 percent of Americans agree!!)
1990s: "Marriage is between man and woman!" (70 percent of Americans agree!)
2000: "Marriage is between one man and one woman!" (60 percent of Americans agree.)
2010: "Marriage is between one man and one woman!" (53 percent of Americans---[yawn]---agree.)
2011: "Marriage is between one man and one woman!" (53 percent of Americans think you're full of shit.)
I gotta say…if I were a scratch-'n-dent-brained jerk who gave money to the Faith and Freedom Coalition, I'd be demanding a double-refund for doing such a shitty job defending my faith- and freedom-loving homophobia. (It's getting so hard to find competent hate groups these days…)
CHEERS to D-Day. The 67th anniversary of the largest amphibious landing in history is today, and President Obama will no doubt deliver a moving tribute to the rapidly-dwindling number of veterans who waded ashore on that horrific yet awe-inspiring day. George W. Bush is still a little confused as to why we went through all the trouble---after all, the intelligence was accurate, the threat was real, and there wasn't any oil there.
JEERS to the GOP mailbag. Intercepted by one of our scouts:
Dear Egyptian Military Leadership,
Hi! How are you? We are fine. Our citizens still have too many freedoms for our liking, but we're working on that.
Say, we just read about how you conducted "virginity tests" on women who protested in Tahrir Square last March---a practice that involves inspecting their nether regions to see if their hymens were broken. We want you to know that this makes us very, very angry. In fact we're beside ourselves with outrage. Mainly because we didn’t think of it first.
Seriously. You guys are good. The best ideas we could think up over here were defunding Planned Parenthood, forced ultrasounds, and hawking purity rings on the internet. But we'll certainly look into virginity tests as it sounds like they'll dovetail nicely with our mission to create an "ownership society." As in, we own women's private parts. And their privacy.
Sincerely,
The 2011 Republican Party
United States of America
The family values folks.
CHEERS to great moments in laundry launderage. A hundred years ago, the first washer/dryer combo ("Easier than a washboard, more convenient than a rock by the river!") went on sale for the first time. Followed moments later by the first college students to totally ignore it.
JEERS to the return of the Friedman Unit. Wheeeee!!! It's been awhule since we had a chance to add another bogus six month prediction to the pile. Here's the latest entry:
At Walton, Lt. Col. Clay Padgett, commander of the 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry Regiment, seemed to share Gates' view that it's too early to make major changes on the ground. He told reporters that in the Kandahar City area where his troops operate it may take another six months to see whether progress in their efforts to get more Afghan civilians involved in local governance can continue after international forces begin leaving.
Meanwhile Hamid Karzai has issued what he calls his "last warning to the US troops and US officials": stop killing civilians or else! Specifically, or else he'll have to issue his last last warning, probably within another Friedman Unit or two. But until then, keep those bales of bribe cash comin'!
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Five years ago in C&J: June 6, 2006
JEERS to thuggery, American style. Donald Rumsfeld's Pentagon wants to kick to the curb a provision of the Geneva Convention that prohibits humiliating and degrading treatment of prisoners. It's a sad day for the integrity of the United States...but a great day for the employment prospects of Dennis Miller.
CHEERS to strange bedfellows. How important is net neutrality to preserving the American way of life? So important that MoveOn.org and---are you sitting down?---the Christian Coalition have teamed up (pdf) to ensure that the speed of internet access isn't compromised by the phone and cable companies. (A House vote could happen this week). Meanwhile, Jerry Falwell and Michael Moore are teaming up to protest the rising cost of Twinkies. Well Kum-By-frickin'-Yah.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to taking a page from the Daily Kos playbook. One of the most popular (and officially-recommended) ways of responding to nasty trolls here at Daily Kos is to post recipes. And now we've discovered that British Intelligence thinks it's a splendid way to mess with al Qaeda's head, too. They've hacked into an online magazine the group posts, and cooked up a little surprise:
The Telegraph say that when anyone tried to download the magazine, instead of getting instructions in an article on How to Make a Bomb In Kitchen of Your Mom, readers instead got garbled computer code of a Web page of recipes for The Best Cupcakes in America published by the Ellen DeGeneres talk show.
The recipes included one for Mojito cupcakes, featuring white rum cake and covered in vanilla buttercake, and one for the Rocky Road Cupcake that adds, "warning: sugar rush ahead!"
We'll just assume they got the idea from us here at the Great Orange Satan. Well done, Kossacks! Your honorary knighthoods are in the mail.
Have a nice Monday. Stay classy…but perhaps not like this. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Mr Hume:
I've just read your lousy review of Cheers and Jeers. I've come to the conclusion that you are an "eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay."
It seems to me that you are a frustrated old man who wishes he could have been successful. When you write such poppy-cock as was in the back section of the paper you work for it shows conclusively that you're off the beam and at least four of your ulcers are at work.
Some day I hope to meet you. When that happens you'll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below!
---Harry S. Truman
12/6/50
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