From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Michele Bachmann…On the Issues
HPV vaccinations:
"There's a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that vaccine. She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine. There are very dangerous consequences!"
Climate change:
"A polar koala bear came up to me outside the grocery store, and he said the Arctic ice caps are bigger than they've ever been before, and polar ice is forming so fast now that his polar koala bear family and friends are getting frozen into all this ice and they gotta use blowtorches to prevent their little handpaws and feetpaws from getting frostbite. Global cooling is the great environmental menace of our time!"
Immigration:
"I was on a airplane that was in flying mode when a gremlin appeared on the wing and peeked in my window. Obviously we couldn’t hear each other, so we played Pantomimes until his message became clear: we need more laser-toting prairie dogs and exploding tumbleweeds at the border. Also: Mexicans in Mexico need to start…speaking…ENGLISH!"
Gays:
"I was coming home from abstinence practice the other day when a man ran up to me sobbing. He said that the homosexuals had used their 'Gay-T-M' cards to withdraw all the town's money. Now everybody's hungry, the garbage is piling up by the curb, and they've totally banned polyester. This is what happens, people!"
History:
"A park statue of Founding Father John Wayne told me, 'Congresswoman, don’t let them fool you into thinking the Shot Heard Round the World was fired from Concord, Massachusetts!' He said that's a lie by the hard-left fringe to sanctify Massachusetts as a liberal shrine! So let's hear it for the real cradle of liberty: Concord, New Hampshire, located in Boston, Iowa!"
Of course, I'm not making any claims that she said most of these things. I'm just reporting what I told myself she said, and I have never been known to be wrong, according to my source, which is my mirror when I'm standing in front of it. (It also sometimes tells me I'm "lookin' snappy there, pard'ner!")
The autumn wind came blowin' in, and it smelled like pie! Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 23, 2011
Note: There are now over 320,500 registered Kossacks here and only one six-pack in the fridge to last us through the weekend. Man, do we need Meteor Blades' administrative skills back pronto.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the end of Atlantic Hurricane Season: 68
Days 'til the South Dakota Festival of Books in Deadwood: 14
Number of jobs added to the auto industry since its low point in 2009: 133,000
(Source: Time)
Amount Alaskans are each getting from the state's socialist policy of oil wealth distribution: $1,174
(Source: Sarah Palin's successor, Gov. Sean Parnell)
Drop in housing starts in August: 5%
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Percent of Americans who believe Osama bin Laden was met in the hereafter by 72 virgins: 3%
(Source: Fox News poll)
Weight of the giant crocodile recently caught in the Philippines: 2,370 lbs.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: It's your turn to burp him…
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CHEERS to Autumn---Day 1. At 5:04 this morning the autumnal equinox got its groove on and stole summer's mojo. Right on cue the flannel shirttails are flappin' in the breeze, the leaves are turning, and New England takes on an unabashedly old-fashioned Currier & Ives feel. I love it. Summer may get all the publicity...but fall is the real deal. Tonight, our usual solstice tradition: an LL Bean boot full of steaming clam chowder!
JEERS to amateur night. At the Republican debate last night, the candidates vying to get crushed by Obama-Biden were as silly as the audience's colonial uniforms. I only have a couple thoughts. Cue the blockquote box thingy:
- Rick Perry, the GREAT SAVIOR of the Republican party, appears to be turning out to be this election cycle's Fred Thompson…to coin a phrase, all hat and no cattle. Even the reddest of the RedStaters couldn’t contain his disgust, calling Perry a "train wreck." Other words that come to mind: tired, clumsy, bored by it all. I don’t want to say it's time to stick a fork in him, but seeing Mitt Romney doing cartwheels in the parking lot afterward isn't a good sign for Governor Goodhair.
- Yes, a few rednecks booed loudly after an active-duty soldier stationed in Iraq asked, via You Tube, if the candidates planned to bring back 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.' Afterward, in the spin room, it was agreed that the candidates should have spoken up on the spot and repudiated the booers. But none of them had the presence of mind to do it---they just stood there, frozen behind their lecterns like deer in the klieg lights. If they can't handle a no-brainer like that ("Hey! Stop the booing! That gentleman is putting his life on the line for your freedom!"), what's going to happen when they get the proverbial 3am phone call? (Hint: Zzzzz...)
Also during the debate, I found two nickels, a dime, a femur, a long-lost Shawn Cassidy LP, and my dog's Grover Cleveland squeaky toy under our sofa cushions. Winner: Moi!
CHEERS to great moments in naval warfare. On September 23, 1779---during our War of Independence---Commodore John Paul George Ringo Jones, aboard the U.S.S. Bonhomme Richard (named as a tribute to Ben Franklin) engaged the British man-of-war Serapis in the North Sea. It was during this battle that Jones uttered the immortal words, "I have not yet begun to fight!" Reason: when the British captain yelled "Fight!", he failed to precede it with "Simon says..." (Navy dogs---so persnickety.)
CHEERS to the sound of silence. Hey, remember all those right-wing protests over the planned American Islamic community center near the hallowed World Trade Center site (and also, let's not forget, near the not-protested stripper bar near the hallowed World Trade Center site)? Remember when Donald Trump figured that the American Muslims were worthy of being located exactly five blocks away because that was…um…the appropriate distance from the WTC site just cuz? Well, the Park51 community center opened Wednesday with nary a peep. And now everyone will see---as they eventually do anytime the teabaggers froth and fume about anything---that all the anger and accusations and condescension were one hundred percent unjustified and born out of simple bigotry and hate. I love happy endings, don’t you?
CHEERS to The Father Zombie of our Country. Skimming through the Fox News Sunday website I came across this fail:
On This Day: September 18, 2001
President George Washington laid the actual cornerstone of the United States Capitol building. This marked the beginning of construction of the U.S. Capitol.
Silly gooses...everybody knows George W. Bush was president in 2001, so he laid the cornerstone for our nation's Capitol. Sheesh! I notified Fox and they promised to fix the error just as soon as the 50 monkeys in their fact-checking department change the ribbons on their typewriters after they get back from their smoke break.
CHEERS to the Environment President. On tomorrow's date in 1906, Theodore Roosevelt signed a bill designating Devil's Tower---that kewl rock formation named after a beloved Daily Kos contributing editor---as the country's first National Monument. Enjoy it while you can; if Republicans get wind there's oil under it, they'll move Heaven and earth to flatten the sucker.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Holy crap, now we're talkin' TV, baby! It's a virtual cornucopia of goodies this weekend, starting with HBO's Real Time, where Bill Maher welcomes journalist/author Ron Suskind, musician Tom Morello, columnist John Avlon, Michael Moore and former Congresswoman Jane Harman. DVD releases include Bridesmaids and the Blu-Ray edition of---I'm already bawling!---Walt Disney's Dumbo. (Harry's list is here.) Saturday night Alec "Schweddy Balls" Baldwin hosts the premiere of SNL. On the season premiere of 60 Minutes: the neo-Nazi movement in America, New York's massive counterterrorism unit, and Book of Mormon and South Park boy wonders Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Oh, and our preemptive apologies to Buffalo for what the Patriots are going to do to the Bills Sunday afternoon---nothing personal, mind you, just business. (Full NFL schedule here.) And, on top of all that goodness, Sunday Homer is saved from a Ukrainian terrorist on the season premiere of The Simpsons.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Michael Bloomberg on Education; Israeli prime Minister Netanyahu; roundtable with Bill Bennett, Donna Shalala, Tavis Smiley and Tim Shriver.
This Week: White House advisor David Plouffe.
Face the Nation: Battle of the Party Poobahs! Debbie Wasserman Schultz vs. Reince Priebus.
Washington Week: Obama's economic plan, the U.N. shindig, and the Republican Tea Party debate will be on the agenda with roundtablers Christi Parsons of Tribune News, John Harwood of CNBC, Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post, and Susan Davis & Jim Tankersley of National Journal.
CNN's State of the Union: Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: David Plouffe; Sen. Lindsay Graham; roundtable with Juan Williams, Bill Kristol, A.B. Stoddard and Brit Hume.
And don’t forget Chris Hayes' new show on MSNBC tomorrow and Sunday morning at 8. Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: September 23, 2006
CHEERS to activist judges. Especially those like the state judge in Georgia who struck down a law that would've made it more difficult for people to vote by forcing them to show photo IDs. Said Fulton County Superior Court Judge T. Jackson Bedford, Jr.: "Any attempt by the legislature to require more than what is required by the express language of our Constitution cannot withstand judicial scrutiny." Of course, the right-wingers, who usually cling to the "strict interpretation" argument when it suits their purposes, are outraged. Funny how that works, huh. [9/23/11 Update: Today there's a dishonest Republican assault on the voting process in dozens of states, all designed to prevent honest Democratic victories. Funny how that still works, huh.]
CHEERS to Al Franken. Last week he got grilled by TIME magazine. A couple morsels...
You've locked horns with most of the top conservative pundits: Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly. Which one is your favorite feud?
O'Reilly. I take great pride in having him as an enemy. He made me feel grudging respect for Rush because when I wrote Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, my editor sent him a copy with a note saying it would really help sales if he mentioned the book on his show. Rush had the self-restraint not to do that. But O'Reilly---he just couldn't help himself. He's pathological.
Who would you rather be stranded with on a desert island: Ann Coulter or Katherine Harris?
Hmmmm. I'd say Katherine Harris, because there's more meat on the bone.
If the Democrats win back the House and/or Senate this fall, what will happen over the next two years of the Bush Administration---impeachment?
No. I don't think they want impeachment; they want accountability. There will probably be hearings to get to the bottom of things, like why we never got the promised report of how WMD intelligence was used by the Administration. I suppose there was a reason for that. It would be nice if things started feeling a little more hopeful and we start addressing the future, looking at the long term instead of the short term.
Crazy loon.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the day the Straight Talk Express jumped the tracks. It happened three years ago today, and it's already become a high holy day on the American political calendar. Three years ago, John McCain proved he couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time when he suspended his campaign (or did he?) so he could ride to Washington on a white stallion and save the planet from economic collapse. He, of course, accomplished nothing except making a token appearance at the White House for PR purposes---a display of pandering that was dismissed as a poorly-conceived stunt. But that quickly faded into the background when, with Keith Olbermann sitting beside him as a witness to political history in the making, David Letterman delivered the coup de grâce after catching McCain chit-chatting on the CBS Evening News set with Katie Couric: "Hey John, I got a question! Ya need a ride to the airport?" Today Barack Obama is in the Oval Office, and McCain is just another asshole obstructionist who blames wildfires on illegal immigrants and whose only solace is knowing he'll always have an open invitation to appear on any of the Sunday morning shows. So thank you, Dave. But more important: Thank you, John.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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