At this point, there's really only one thing to say about Perry. I like this guy. Because folks, this weekend, he did not run away from his debate performance, he owned it!
RICK PERRY (9/24/2011): It's not who is the slickest candidate or the smoothest debater that we need to elect.
RICK PERRY (9/23/2011): What Americans are looking for isn't the slickest candidate. They're looking for an authentic, principled leader.
Exactly. So what if he's not a slick talker? Some of our greatest Presidents have been tongue-tied on occasion. How soon we forget this!
GEORGE W. BUSH (9/17/2002): Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again.
(wild audience applause)
Is that intelligible? No! That sounds like the fevered ramblings of a syphilitic brain! But he was authentic! And so what if Rick Perry threw up all over himself? George H.W. Bush threw up all over himself and the Prime Minister of Japan! That is what's called trickle-down.
A President does not need to be articulate. When the moment of truth comes, he pushes the button. He doesn't convince the button to push itself. He's not the Convincer-in-Chief, he's the Commander-in-Chief. And by command, I don't mean of the English language.
And America is clearly on... this... with me on... one. (Stephen cracks up)
And clearly, clearly, America is with me on this one. CNN's poll after his mumble-mouth train wreck gives Perry an 8-point lead. Clearly he needs to show up at the next debate with a mouthful of angry bees.
Video and transcript below the fold.
I don't like what I'm hearing people say lately about Rick Perry. He has had a bad week largely because of one moment in Thursday's Republican debate.
RICK PERRY (9/22/2011): I think Americans just don't know sometimes which Mitt Romney they're dealing with. Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of, against the Second Amendment, before he was for the Second Amendment? Was it, was before, he was before the social programs from the standpoint of he was for standing up for Roe vs. Wade, before he was against first Roe vs. Wade?
That's what you get when your head speechwriter is magnetic poetry.
And folks, following this debacle, the long knives are out.
FOX NEWS PANELIST (9/23/2011): I thought Perry did a lot of damage to himself.
FOX BUSINESS PANELIST (9/23/2011): He just is not ready.
CHRIS WALLACE (9/25/2011): "Yikes!" That was the one-word headline.
BRIT HUME (9/25/2011): Perry really did throw up all over himself in the debate.
Thoughtful analysis, Brit, thank you. But I'd go even further. Perry threw up all over himself, then chopped off his own head and crapped down his own neckhole, slit open his belly, and nailed his intestines to a tree and ran around it until he unraveled his own guts. He defiled himself with every bodily fluid known to man other than Santorum.
It is impossible to overstate the horrific nature of Perry's debate performance. I mean, just look at it again. Jimmy, I believe we have another angle.
RICK PERRY VOICEOVER: Was it, was before, he was before the social programs....
Oh, that is a gaffe. And Perry's opponents have been quick to capitalize on it. If you'll notice, and I swear I am not making this up, that YouTube footage was paid for by Mitt Romney for President.
[BruinKid note: Ah, it seems there's a rotating ad structure on YouTube, and that Romney ad banner is only one of many that can show up when watching videos on the site. So I don't think Romney's campaign paid for that one. And the Perry voiceover isn't in the actual video; that's Stephen's handiwork.]
At this point, there's really only one thing to say about Perry. I like this guy. Because folks, this weekend, he did not run away from his debate performance, he owned it!
RICK PERRY (9/24/2011): It's not who is the slickest candidate or the smoothest debater that we need to elect.
RICK PERRY (9/23/2011): What Americans are looking for isn't the slickest candidate. They're looking for an authentic, principled leader.
Exactly. So what if he's not a slick talker? Some of our greatest Presidents have been tongue-tied on occasion. How soon we forget this!
GEORGE W. BUSH (9/17/2002): Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again.
(wild audience applause)
Is that intelligible? No! That sounds like the fevered ramblings of a syphilitic brain! But he was authentic! And so what if Rick Perry threw up all over himself? George H.W. Bush threw up all over himself and the Prime Minister of Japan! That is what's called trickle-down.
A President does not need to be articulate. When the moment of truth comes, he pushes the button. He doesn't convince the button to push itself. He's not the Convincer-in-Chief, he's the Commander-in-Chief. And by command, I don't mean of the English language.
And America is clearly on... this... with me on... one. (Stephen cracks up)
And clearly, clearly, America is with me on this one. CNN's poll after his mumble-mouth train wreck gives Perry an 8-point lead. Clearly he needs to show up at the next debate with a mouthful of angry bees.
And while Bachmann has Iowa, and Romney is strong in New Hampshire, my home state of South Carolina loves Rick Perry. And that's the problem, folks. 'Cause South Carolina is the third primary state.
But Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has announced she is moving their primary up to February 28th, South Carolina's date. Well, Governor Brewer has messed with the wrong Stephen Colbert, this one. She says she's doing it so that "Southwestern issues are addressed by the candidates in a meaningful fashion". Oh yeah, it's time for America to have a serious debate on whether it's cactuses or cacti. Bullshit, Jan! This is about the money!
Studies have shown that Presidential candidates spend up to 75% of their campaign budgets on the first few primary states. They're buying ads, transportation, lodging. It's an orgy of spending. And South Carolina is supposed to be the Lucky Pierre in that monetary ass-pile.
[BruinKid note: OMG, there's a term for that???]
But Arizona is muscling in. And now Michigan has passed a bill moving their primary to February 28th. And Florida wants to move theirs even earlier than that. Now, Florida going earlier makes sense. When your average voter is 93, every second counts.
Well folks, South Carolina voters refuse to be treated like second class citizens. State Republican chair Chad Connelly told USA Today:
"We're going to be first in the South and we're not going to share our date with anybody -- especially with a state that breaks the rules..."
Yeah. South Carolina has proven that unless you play by their rules, they will take their state and go home.
Well, I say if all that campaign cash is attracting all the early primaries, let's make sure South Carolina gets all that campaign cash by letting the cash decide the primary. Just do away with the voting, and give all our delegates to whoever spends the most money. On primary day, campaigns just hand in their receipts. That way, unlike electronic voting, at least we'll have a paper trail.
So protect your interest, South Carolina. Because as long as we're deciding Presidential bids, shouldn't we give our state to the highest bidder? We'll be right back.
