Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group focused on dealing with cancer, primarily for cancer survivors and caregivers, though clinicians, researchers, and others with a special interest are also welcome. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 7-8 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to include physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.
I truly don't know if this is truly a MNCC topic, but as it permeates my thinking about the disease, and my relationship with the community, I'm going for broke and saying it is. If you are still interested, follow me below the orange croissant of truth
In the broadest sense, this diary is concerned with time, or perhaps our relationship with time. As a long time dabbler in the study of physics, I must know of at least 6 different definitions of the word time, none of which hold much solace for the frail human spirit. The passage of time, and our limited existence within the ebb and flow of events is at the heart of most, if not all religon and philosophy. Perhaps it would be better to talk of death, rather than time, if it were my point to talk about religon ….but it's not. Philosophy, or more specifically metaphysics also purports to unscrew the inscrutible in looking at the purpose of life and what comes before and after.
If you are able to find a comfort and purpose within either of these, more power to you, but I find myself unable to discover much solace within either approach.
Since my initial surgery, and increasingly so as I have been in a period of medical care limbo (ignorance is not bliss, and not knowing if you are still in remission is anything but blissful), my thoughts have overwhelmingly turned to “Legacy”.
The handy dictionary.com defines "Legacy" thusly:
1. Law . a gift of property, especially personal property, as money, by will; a bequest.
2. anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor: the legacy of ancient Rome.
3.an applicant to or student at a school that was attended by his or her parent.
4.Obsolete . the office, function, or commission of a legate.
I'm a simple person, I look at a legacy as what I am leaving behind.
I have fathered no offspring.
After a chapter 7 bankruptcy and cancer destroying my business, I will be leaving no money or property to anyone.
I have created no great works of art, no literature for the ages.
That's not what my view of legacy is about.
OWS and others here and throughout my life have made me realize something. Our culture only seems to recognize that which has a monetary value attached to it. This meme so permeates our thinking and language, that we are apt to be completely unconscious of it until an event, like cancer or confronting ones own mortality makes it obvious.
I remember, growing up, the people my parents and the community had respect for... and it wasn't determined on the basis of wealth. One might have respect for someone who was rich, but it almost seemed like the respect was given in spite of the money, not because of it. For what it is worth, it is important to remember that that this is seen through the perceptual filters of a nine year old.
Forgive the socialist digression.
I guess the central question is this: What is our legacy??? What do we give back to the world or the community??? and does it matter?
I have been pondering this for the past couple of months, especially in light of some health issues, and the interminable wait for health insurance. Mostly I wonder if I am being self-defeating, trying to build up my “legacy” rather than devoting all my time an energy into attempting to heal what is going on in my body. My internal counter argument is always the same, what I leave is who I am.
Crazy maybe, but it is where my mind always takes me. I can't ever be rid of the changes cancer has made in me, physically as well psychologically (and as readers of my previous effort recollect, socially), and perhaps this is my minds way of making them less important. If I am concentrating on my legacy, that is less time to concentrate on the impact of being attacked by my own body.
Whatever the reasoning, It seems at this point the decision has been made for me. In a couple of weeks, I will be laid off, or as Mr Brin puts it, joining the community of the L'Toff (apologies to DB if I've gotten that wrong).
The CommonwealthCare doesn't kick in before April first at the earliest.
I'm done with being careful to not commit to others what I may not be able to deliver. I'm going to set up a structure, delivery the new systems, fix the farm, build the legacy. If I do it right, even if the news is bad, I'll still have a structure to carry out those plans
That will be my legacy.
..who knows, the horse may learn to sing (h/t to Aesop)....
Maybe this diary isn't actually about legacy at all, but dealing with the uncertainties of cancer, the cold statistics of diagnostics, and the uncertainty of the future. Maybe legacy is the label one puts on a mechanism to shield oneself from the uncertainties of the future, an opiate for a mass of one. what say you?
In Retrospect:
Looking back at it, this diary is awfully dark...My apologies for those who find it so, but as my draftsman said after reading it for me, “ This part of life isn't all pretty ponies” I suspect he's been spending too much time on 4chan. Also, I am not depressed, have had no recent bad news, so don't interpret this diary as a GBCW or anything like it, it is intended as a challenge...How do we deal with the uncertainty, and frankly the fear. This seems to be mine, at least for now, but I would love to hear about others.